before i die Jenny Downham

eighteen

Morrisons is the biggest supermarket in the shopping centre. Its nearly school kicking-out time and its busy.
Take a basket, Zoey says. And watch out for store detectives. What do they look like?
They look as if theyre at work!
I walk slowly, savouring the details. Its ages since Ive been in a supermarket. At the deli they have little saucers on top of the counter. I take two pieces of cheese and an olive, realize Im starving, so help myself to a handful of cherries at the fruit bar. I munch on them as I walk.
How can you eat so much? Zoey says. I feel sick just looking at you.
She instructs me to put things that I dont want in the basket – normal things like tomato soup and cream crackers.
And in your coat, she says, you put the things you do want.
Like what?
She looks exasperated. I dont bloody know! Theres a whole shop full of stuff. Take your pick.
I choose a slim bottle of vampire-red nail varnish. Im still wearing Adams jacket. Its got lots of pockets. It slips in easily.
Great! Zoey says. Law successfully broken. Can we go now? Is that it?
Technically.
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Thats not anything! A runner from the café would have been more exciting.
She sighs, checks her mobile. Five more minutes then. She sounds like my dad.
And what about you? Are you just going to watch?
m your lookout.
The assistant at the pharmacy is discussing chesty coughs with a customer. I dont think shes going to miss this tube of Relief Body Moisturizer or this small jar of Crème de Corps Nutritif. In the basket go crispbreads. In my pocket goes Hydrating Face Cream. Tea bags for the basket. Signs of Silk Skin Treatment for me. Its a bit like strawberry picking.
m good at this! I tell Zoey.
Great!
Shes not even listening. Some lookout she is. Shes fiddling about at the pharmacy counter.
Chocolate aisle next, I tell her.
But she doesnt answer, so I leave her to it.
Its not exactly Belgium, but the confectionery section has miniature boxes of truffles tied with sweet little ribbons. Theyre only £1.99, so I nick two boxes and shove them in my pocket. A bikers jacket is very good for thieves. I wonder if Adam knows this.
At the end aisle, by the freezers, my pockets are bulging. Im wondering how long Ben and Jerrys Phish Food would last in a coat when two girls I used to go to school with walk by. They stop when they see me,
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bend their heads close together and whisper. Im just about to text Zoey to let her know she needs to help me out when they come over.
Are you Tessa Scott? the blonde one says.
Yeah.
Do you remember us? Were Fiona and Beth. She makes it sound as if they only come in a pair. You left in Year Eleven, didnt you?
Ten.
They both look at me expectantly. Dont they realize that they come from another planet – somewhere that spins much more slowly than mine – and that I have absolutely nothing to say to them?
Hows it going? Fiona says. Beth nods, as if she agrees entirely with this question. Are you still having all that treatment?
Not any more. So youre better? No.
I watch them understand. It starts in their eyes and spreads down their cheeks to their mouths. Its all so predictable. They wont ask any more questions, because there are no polite ones left. I want to give them permission to leave, but I dont know how to.
m here with Zoey, I say, because the silence goes on for too long. Zoey Walker. She was in the year above us.
Really? Fiona nudges her friend. Thats weird. Shes the one I was telling you about.
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Beth brightens at this, relieved that normal communication has resumed. Is she helping you shop? She sounds as if shes talking to a four- year-old.
Not exactly.
Hey, look! Fiona says. There she is. Do you know who I mean now?
Beth nods. Oh, her
m beginning to wish I hadnt said anything. Ive got a horrible feeling about this. But its too late now.
Zoey doesnt look at all pleased to see them. Whatre you doing here? Talking to Tessa.
What about?
This and that.
Zoey looks at me suspiciously. Are you ready to go?
Yeah.
Before you do – Fiona touches Zoeys sleeve – is it true youve been seeing Scott Redmond?
Zoey hesitates. Whats it to you? You know him?
Fiona snorts, a soft noise with her nose. Everyone knows him, and
she rolls her eyes at Beth. I mean everyone
Beth laughs. Yeah, he went out with my sister for about half an hour. Zoeys eyes glitter. Is that right?
Hey, listen, I say. Fascinating as this is, weve got to go now. I have to collect the invites for my funeral.
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