before i die Jenny Downham

thirty

I want Adam to move in.
Dad turns from the sink, his hands dripping soapsuds onto the floor. He looks utterly stunned. Dont be ridiculous!
I mean it.
Wheres he supposed to sleep? In my bedroom.
Theres no way Im agreeing to that, Tess! He turns back to the sink, clunks bowls and plates about. Is this on your list? Is having a live-in boyfriend on your list?
His names Adam.
He shakes his head. Forget it.
Then Ill move into his house.
You think his mother will want you there?
Well bugger off to Scotland and live in a croft then. Would you prefer that?
His mouth twitches with anger as he turns back to me. The answers no, Tess.
I hate the way he pulls authority, as if its all sorted because he says so. I stomp upstairs to my room and slam the door. He thinks its about sex. Cant he see its deeper than that? And cant he see how difficult it is to ask for?
213

Three weeks ago, at the end of January, Adam took me out on the bike, faster than before and further – to a place on the borders of Kent where theres flat marshy land sloping down to a beach. There were four wind turbines out at sea, their ghostly blades spinning.
He skimmed stones at the waves and I sat on the shingle and told him how my list is sprawling away from me.
There are so many things I want. Ten isnt enough any more.
Tell me, he said.
It was easy at first. On and on I went. Spring. Daffodils and tulips. Swimming under a calm blue evening sky. A long train journey, a peacock, a kite. Another summer. But I couldnt tell him the thing I want the most.
That night he went home. Every night he goes home to keep his mother safe. He sleeps just metres away from me, through the wall, on the other side of the wardrobe.
The next day he turned up with tickets for the zoo. We went on the train. We saw wolves and antelopes. A peacock opened its tail for me, emerald and aquamarine. We had lunch in a café and Adam bought me a fruit platter with black grapes and vivid slices of mango.
A few days later he took me to a heated outdoor pool. After swimming, we sat on the edge, wrapped in towels, and dangled our feet in the water. We drank hot chocolate and laughed at the children hollering in the cold air.
One morning he delivered a bowl of crocuses to my room.
Spring, he said.
He took me to our hill on his bike. Hed bought a pocket kite from the newsagents and we flew it together.
214

Day after day it was as if someone had taken my life apart and polished every bit of it really carefully before putting it all back together.
But we never shared a single night.
Then, on Valentines day, I got anaemic only twelve days after a blood transfusion.
What does it mean? I asked the consultant.
Youve moved nearer the line, he said.
Its getting harder to breathe. The shadows under my eyes have deepened. My lips look like plastic stretched over a gate.
Last night I woke up at two in the morning. My legs were hurting, a dull throbbing, like a toothache. Id taken paracetamol before going to bed, but I needed codeine. On the way to the bathroom I passed Dads open bedroom door and Mum was in there – her hair spilling across the pillow, his arm flung protectively across her. Thats three times shes stayed over in the last two weeks.
I stood on the landing watching them sleep and I knew for a fact that I couldnt be alone in the dark any more.
Mum comes upstairs and sits on my bed. Im standing at the window watching the dusk. The sky is full of something, the clouds low down and expectant.
I hear you want Adam to move in, she says.
I write my name in condensation on the window. My finger marks smeared across the glass make me feel young.
She says, Your dad might agree to the occasional night, Tess, but hes not going to let Adam live here.
215

Dad said hed help me with my list.
He is helping. Hes just bought us all tickets to go to Sicily, hasnt he?
Because he wants to spend a whole week with you!
When I turn to look at her, she frowns at me as if Im someone shes never seen before.
Did he actually say that?
Hes in love with you, its obvious. Travel isnt even on my list any more.
She looks bemused. I thought travel was number seven.
I swapped it for getting you and Dad back together.
Oh, Tessa!
Its weird, because of all people, she should understand about love. I fold my arms at her. Tell me about him.
Who?
The man you left us for.
She shakes her head. Why are you bringing this up now?
Because you said you didnt have a choice. Isnt that what you said? I said I was unhappy.
Lots of people are unhappy, but they dont run away.
Please, Tess, I really dont want to talk about this.
We loved you.
Plural. Past tense. But still it sounds too big for this little room.
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