before i die Jenny Downham

forty-six

Hey, Adam says, youre awake.
He leans over and moistens my mouth with a sponge. He dabs my lips dry with a flannel and smears them with Vaseline.
Your hands are cold. Ill hold them for a bit and warm them up, shall I?
I stink. I smell myself farting. I hear the ugly tick of my body consuming itself. Im sinking, sinking into the bed.
Fifteen, to get out of bed and go downstairs and its all a joke.
Two hundred and nine, to marry Adam.
Thirty, to go to parents evening and our childs a genius. All three of our children in fact – Chester, Merlin and Daisy.
Fifty-one, two, three. To open my eyes. Bastard open them. I cant. Im falling.
Forty-four, to not be falling. I dont want to fall. Im afraid.
Forty-five, to not be falling.
Think of something. I wont die if Im thinking of Adams hot breath between my legs.
But I cant hold onto anything.
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Like a tree losing its leaves.
I forget even the thing I was thinking.
Why is she making that noise?
Its her lungs. Fluid cant drain away because shes not moving around.
It sounds horrible.
It sounds worse than it is.
Is that Cal? I hear the tug of a ring pull, the fizz of a Coke can. Adam says, Whats your dad up to?
On the phone. Hes telling Mum to come over.
Good.
What happens, Cal, to dead bodies? Dust, glitter, rain.
You think she can hear us? Definitely.
Cos Ive been telling her stuff.
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What kind of stuff? m not telling you!
the big bang was the origin of the solar system and only then was the earth formed and only then could life appear and after all the rain and fire had gone fish came then insects amphibians dinosaurs mammals birds primates hominids and finally humans
Are you sure she should be making that noise? I think its OK.
Its different from just now.
Shush, I cant hear.
Thats worse. That sounds like she cant even breathe. Shit!
Is she dying?
Get your dad, Cal. Run!
a little bird moves a mountain of sand one grain at a time it picks up one grain every million years and when the mountain has been moved the bird puts it all back again and thats how long eternity is and thats a very long time to be dead for
Maybe Ill come back as somebody else.
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ll be the wild-haired girl Adam meets in his first week at university. Hi, are you on the horticultural course as well?
m here, Tess. Im right here, holding your hand. Adams here too, hes sitting on the other side of the bed. And Cal. Mums on her way, shell just be a minute. We all love you, Tessa. Were all right here with you.
I hate that noise. It sounds like its hurting her.
Its not, Cal. Shes unconscious. Shes not in pain.
Adam said she could hear us. How can she hear us if shes unconscious?
Its like sleeping, except she knows were here. Sit with me, Cal, its all right. Come and sit on my lap. Shes peaceful, dont worry.
She doesnt sound peaceful. She sounds like a broken boiler. I turn inwards, their voices the sound of water murmuring. Moments gather.
Aeroplanes crash into buildings. Bodies sail through the air. Tube trains and buses explode. Radiation seeps from the pavements. The sun turns to the tiniest black spot. The human race dies out and cockroaches rule the world.
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Anything could happen next.
Angel Delight on a beach.
A fork whisking against a bowl. Seagulls. Waves.
Its all right, Tessa, you can go. We love you. You can go now. Why are you saying that?
She might need permission to die, Cal.
I dont want her to. She doesnt have my permission.
Lets say yes then. Yes to everything for just one more day.
Maybe you should say goodbye, Cal. No.
It might be important.
It might make her die.
Nothing you say can make her die. She wants to know you love her.
One more moment. One more. I can manage one more. A sweet wrapper whips up the path in the wind.
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Go on, Cal.
I feel stupid.
None of us are listening. Get close and whisper.
My name encircles a roundabout. Cuttlefish washed up on a beach.
A dead bird on the lawn.
Millions of maggots stunned by sunlight.
Bye, Tess. Haunt me if you like. I dont mind.
A duck goes into a chemists to buy some lipstick.
A mouse dunked in water and held down with a spoon. Three tiny air bubbles escaping, one after the other.
Six snowmen made of cotton wool.
Six serviettes folded into origami lilies.
Seven stones, all different colours, bound with a silver chain.
Theres sun in my teacup.
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Zoey stares out of the window and I drive out of town. The sky gets darker and darker.
Let them go.
Adam blows smoke at the town below. Says, Anything could be happening down there, but up here you just wouldnt know it.
Adam strokes my head, my face, he kisses my tears. We are blessed.
Let them all go.
The sound of a bird flying low across the garden. Then nothing. Nothing. A cloud passes. Nothing again. Light falls through the window, falls onto me, into me.
Moments.
All gathering towards this one.
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