fragments | bang chan

iv.

Stomach flipping at the lengthy, detail oriented memory that was threatening to surface in your mind, you put Chan's mug next to yours in its usual place and shut the cabinet before you could take another look at your mug just sitting there and collecting dust. All it was doing was making you feel worse, and you didn't need that right now, even more so because of how vulnerable you were feeling due to Chan's prolonged absence.

For a moment, you stood there in the kitchen feeling completely and utterly alone, and you felt quite sorry for yourself. I must be a sorry sight, you thought, glancing down at your rumpled, week-old pajamas and fuzzy socks covered in lint. A brief thought of perhaps changing your clothes and putting some effort into your appearance for when Chan came home crossed your mind, but then you just wondered if it would even matter. These days when he came home, he just went straight to bed, not even bothering to acknowledge you most of the time. Perhaps he would mutter a quick hello before jumping in the shower, and then once again saying good night (or good morning) as he settled into bed on his side, not bothering to touch you, or at the very least, even make proper eye contact. Running your tongue across your grimy teeth, you decided that taking a shower and brushing your teeth would be a good start, as it had been several days since you had gotten out of bed to do something other than go to the bathroom or pick at leftover food weakly.

You stole one last quick glance at the cabinet that held your special mugs, and then retreated to the bathroom and stripped off your heavy clothes that had begun to smell like sweat and sadness. Although you had been hesitant to get in the shower, as soon as the gentle stream of water hit your back you relaxed into it, and sighed out loud at the mimic of a warm embrace, briefly wishing that Chan were there with you.

Opening your bottle of floral scented shampoo, you eyed Chan's two in one shampoo and conditioner and almost rolled your eyes at it, before slowly putting down your shampoo and hesitantly picking up his. You hated two in one shampoo. It made your hair crispy and frizzy; you needed the extra conditioner. But it smelled like Chan. The scent was almost foreign to you as you popped open the lid and squeezed the pearlescent liquid into your hand, and you felt stupid as you felt tears burning the backs of your eyes. Crying over shampoo now? Really? Was that what it had come to? You slowly worked the shampoo into your hair, taking your time and massaging your scalp just like Chan used to do when you would shower together. Closing your eyes, you imagined that it were his large, calloused fingers rubbing your temples instead of your own weary ones, and the scent combined with your vivid, desperate memories made it seem like he really was there for a moment.

As you rinsed out the shampoo, you felt as if your memories of showers with him were following the suds down the drain, and you had to physically shake your head, wet strands of hair flying back and forth and slapping you in the face, jolting you from your odd thoughts.

He would be back soon. He always came back.
You fumbled for your razor to shave your legs, even though you hadn't kept up with this routine for a while. You were taking your time in the shower and pampering yourself a little, so why not? You slicked your wet hair back out of your face, and realized that you had grabbed Chan's razor instead. You tightened your grip on it, a little annoyed that he had put his razor in your spot, but relaxed your shoulders. Why were you even getting mad?

Did you really care that much about where he put his razor?

As you applied shaving cream to your legs generously, you pondered this for a bit. Maybe you did miss living alone, just a little. It had been nice that no one was there to make a mess, and you only had yourself to clean up after. Although Chan was usually a clean person himself, the littlest things set you off sometimes, even more so lately.

Chan had been the one to move into this apartment with you. It had originally just been you until they raised the rent, right around the time that you and Chan had gotten ready for the next step in your relationship. It seemed like the perfect time to move in together. And for a while, you supposed, it was.