fragments | bang chan

x.

You were debating whether or not to change the channel and watch a movie of some sort when you heard someone jiggling their key in the lock of your front door. Jumping up, you grabbed your empty coffee mug, the closest thing that could possibly be used as a weapon.

But then Chan walked in.

You lowered your mug as he came inside, his eyes immediately finding yours. He shut the door behind him and stood there, just staring. "You're using your mug again?" he asked, chuckling a little.

You brought your mug up to your face to look at it. #1 Mom.

"I guess so," you responded. "Why are you here?" You had meant to ask where he had been, but it came out differently.

"I've been at Changbin's for the past week," he said quietly, seemingly reading your mind. "And I'm here because I think we need to talk."

Your chest tightened at that. "Okay."

Chan awkwardly maneuvered around the table and sat down on the couch, and you sat back down next to him. He held his clasped hands in his lap, a forced, tight-lipped smile on his face. "How was breakfast?" he asked, motioning towards your empty plate.

"It... it was good." He was acting strangely, as if he was a guest in his own house. Then again, you supposed, he basically was at this point.

"Get to the point," you said quietly. "Just say it."
Chan quickly looked away and cleared his throat, but didn't speak. He rifled through his pockets, at first his left and then his right, before he pulled out a small velvet box. He handed it to you, the tight-lipped smile on his face again.

"What is this?" you asked, an edge to your words. He didn't answer. You opened the box to reveal a beautiful, sparkling diamond ring. Your heart caught in your throat. "Is this an engagement ring?"

"Yeah."

"There's usually a whole speech that comes with one of these," you said, making a weak attempt at a joke.
"Usually," Chan repeated. He bit the inside of his cheek before fully turning to face you. "But... I'm not proposing."

Even though you knew that, you felt your heart drop. "Right."

Chan felt his own heart clench at your emotionless response. "I think you know what I'm going to say." His voice was barely above a whisper.

"I think I do."

You lowered your gaze back down to the ring. It really was beautiful.

"I overheard you and Hyunjin last week, at the café."

"How much did you hear?"

"Just a little bit. But I'm going to be honest. I bought this ring with every intention of getting down on one knee and proposing." You tightened your grip on the box. "But after hearing that... I realized what I really needed to do."

You shrunk, letting your loose hair cover your face.

"(Y/N)..." Chan said quietly, his voice shaking, "I think we should break up."

And with those six words, you felt your entire world come crashing down. You had been expecting it, for weeks and weeks. And when he walked in, you knew what the conversation was going to be about. But it still hit you like a ton of bricks, making your breathing stop. You didn't realize you were crying until Chan moved your hair out of your face and wiped your tears away with his own trembling hand.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"No, you're right," you said, your voice oddly emotionless, a contrast to the endless stream of tears making their way down your cheeks. "We need to break up."

Hearing you agree broke Chan's heart even more, and he choked back his own sobs at your cold voice.
You looked down at the ring, still in your shaking hands. You closed the box and tried to hand it back to him, but he stopped you, shaking his head. "Keep it," he said, "I bought it for you. And... I wouldn't know what to do with it. Please keep it."

You slowly set the box down on the table, nodding. It must have been expensive. And he still wanted you to keep it.

"What happened to your face?" he asked, moving your hair out of the way even more. His eyes were glassy. "When did this happen?"

"It's nothing," you replied, pushing his hand away with more force than you intended. He retracted his hand quickly, a hurt expression on his face. "I'm sorry," you said blankly, "but please stop caring about me. Don't be so kind. You're making this so much harder." Your face crumpled as you uttered those words, and you bent over as you tried to hide your expression.

Chan pulled you into a tight hug, and you tried to resist but he just held on tighter, not letting you go. You gave in, much too easily, and hugged him back, choking on your own tears.

You both stayed there for much too long, crying but making sure the other didn't see your tears.

Eventually you separated, Chan's fingers lingering on yours just a little too long as he pulled away. "I should probably go," he said softly.

"Probably."

"Jisung and Changbin are gonna drop by to pick up my stuff tomorrow, okay? I'll text you to let you know a few hours in advance."

"Okay." You wanted to say something about him being a coward, why couldn't he come get his stuff himself? But you kept your mouth shut.

He slowly got up, as if he didn't want to leave, and took one last look around the room. It was like he had been slowly fading from the apartment himself, as he only saw signs of one person living there. He knew for a fact that the only belongings he had left in the apartment were some clothes and shared possessions with you, but he bit his tongue and didn't say anything. He wanted to say more to you, to thank you for all the years you stayed by his side with unwavering love and loyalty, to cry and tell you how he still thought he loved you, to shout and scream and tell you all of his frustrations. But he didn't. He patted your head, one last gesture of affection, before walking towards the front door.

"I loved you, you know." Chan turned around to see you standing there, tears in your eyes threatening to fall, but he knew you were too proud to let him see you cry again.

"I loved you more." The words slipped past his lips before he could stop them, and he cringed internally knowing how much that would sting. After all, he was the one who had asked for this. He shouldn't be giving you false hope like this.

You laughed bitterly, turning away from him so that he wouldn't see tears spilling over your flushed cheeks, and furiously wiped them away with the sleeve of his old hoodie. You didn't want to say it. It would hurt too much. This was supposed to be reserved for your cute moments, your happy moments where the two of you were so in love that it hurt. Not for a moment like this. "I loved you most," you whispered, turning back to him. His gaze softened once he saw your smudged makeup, and he wanted to reach out for you, to engulf you in one last warm hug, but he didn't. He knew that if he did, he would never leave.

He hesitated. "Would it... be stupid to say that I loved you most-est?" he asked quietly. He could feel tears starting to burn the backs of his eyes, even though he promised himself that he wouldn't cry.

"Maybe just a little," you replied, crossing your arms. Your voice sounded nasally; your nose was clogged up from your crying already. Chan wanted to roll his eyes and walk over to you, hold a tissue to your nose and tell you to just let it all out. His legs quivered as he resisted the urge to do so.

"Well," he said, voice shaking, "then I loved you most-est." Finally, hot tears streamed out down his tired face, blurring his vision.

He turned around, ignoring the sounds of your muffled cries, and picked up his backpack, filled to the brim with his belongings. He stuffed down a sob that threatened to escape him and quickly opened the door. His hand clenched the door knob tightly and once again, he resisted the urge to drop everything and run to you, to kiss your tears away and squeeze you in his arms until you couldn't breathe. He knew he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to you, or to him. He had to do this. He took a deep, shaky breath, and closed the door behind him with finality, knowing that he would never again return to your apartment.