dollhouse // billy hargrove

twenty-six

heather's pov

i panicked as the photo booth started counting down for the last picture. i didn't really go into this with much thought, other than a smile and a funny face. 

i relied on billy to choose the last pose as i laughed in a panic.

he stared at me with those beautiful blue moon eyes, and the few seconds felt like a lifetime. i could tell he was nervous about something. he reached his hand up to my chin. his hands were gentle, but so battered.

he pushed my chin up to his lips and leaned in. i put my hand up to his cheek and he nestled into it as our lips finally collided. 

the flash went off and almost immediately, he unlocked his lips.

"i'm sorry. i panicked." i'm not sure if it was true or not. i'm sure he meant it in some way, and i'm sure there was some sort of panic. either way, to me, it was a good last second panic.

"don't be sorry." i reassured him by placing my hand back on his cheek. "don't ever be sorry for showing someone how you feel."

i keep rethinking that sentence. was that weird for me to assume that's how he truly felt? i wasn't sure if it was reassuring, but i meant it if it was. people always distance themselves when they feel a certain way about someone–especially love. i don't know if it's because they don't feel good enough for the other person or what.

we locked eyes again, and for this time i felt certain he wanted another kiss. his eyes were practically begging for it. i leaned in and our lips intertwined. 

his soft lips tasted like cigarettes, but i didn't mind. i couldn't help but smile into them, because for the first time in a long time, i felt at peace. like someone loved me for more than just looks.

there were bees in my stomach constantly stinging me for the longest time, but at that moment it felt like i swallowed a million butterflies as they fluttered around making themselves at home in my stomach. 

and maybe i was selfish for going in for another kiss to feel that feeling again. but i've yearned for this type of love for years. this love felt different from any of the others i've had. it felt authentic. real.

i've always given my all in relationships, but i've never felt the feeling of reciprocation. i've loved too much for in hopes that they wouldn't leave me. because if i gave them everything they wanted and more, they would stick around, right? 

they didn't. my father left. my exes left. it seemed as if they always just left, because i did love too much. 

so i figured i was too much to handle, i should just let go of loving people to the extremes of taking a bullet for them. i wanted to change myself, but i couldn't. because i just wanted someone to love me back the way i loved them.

instead, i distanced myself. i just didn't date. the people who were in my life, stayed in my life. but, no one new entered. 

i slipped up when i noticed billy needed help with his cut up hand. i let myself care, even if he was an asshole at the time. i never want anyone to feel the constant pain of abandonment that i've felt since i was young. because what if he needed that love, too? 

nancy was the only one who reassured me that i was worth loving when i hit rock bottom. she told me i wasn't hard to love, it's just that people don't know how to act when they see such an amazing human. i always questioned it, because when i see something amazing, i cherish it. i admire it. i can't stop thinking about it. i love it. 

so what was so different with me?

billy once made me feel that way, weeks ago. at the party we went to together, i tried to kiss him at the end of the night. i gave in to him, but i was drunk. and he rejected it. it made me feel like shit. but, i fell back for him.

it was the night my father left, and i quite literally hit rock bottom. without my dad at home, it meant that i had to deal with jess all alone. no one to back me up when she targets me. no one to save me when i needed it most. 

i felt so alone, i drove to billy's house. which now looking back on it, i was definitely too drunk to be driving. 

as soon as he saw me in a state of distress, he did everything he could to make anything better. that's when we went on a getaway. 

during the getaway, i started to like him more and more.

in my head, i knew that loving him was going to be difficult, perhaps something i shouldn't even waste my time on. he was a broken boy. someone that others deemed unfixable. but i knew i could love him like no other, the way he deserved. even though he was broken, i was willing to be the glue to hold him back together.

during the getaway, i saw the sides of him no one else has seen. the sweetheart side. the side that wants to love just as much as he wanted to be loved. and, as he let me in, i reciprocated.

he was the first and only person i've opened up to about my home life. i felt no fear of judgement around him. he seemed genuine. 

i never would've guessed how much i would love loving him, though. something that my heart has never felt before. 

billy has shown me that the best thing about loving someone is seeing what they can't see about themselves. he doesn't see the smile he has when talking about something he loves, like california or his car. he doesn't see the blush that fills his cheeks when you compliment him. he doesn't see his nose scrunch up when he smell his favorite meal.

for me, i have willingly fallen in love with the things he doesn't even know about, so just imagine all the things i'm in love with that he does know about. 

there's a lot of things i'm uncertain about when it comes to love. there's no doubt that i'm still learning it. but, at this moment i was sure of one thing. love takes place in my heart as billy hargrove. 

and this was just the start of an everlasting love.