PAINFUL YET BEAUTIFUL

Chapter 5

It has been a week since Pratham had returned from Yale. It was his graduation ceremony last Saturday. Since then Kiara and Pratham we're having the time of their lives. They were planning outings, adventures, trying new restaurants and watching all the movies they have listed for this time.

They were enjoying their time without any trouble and thoughts. They wanted to enjoy this time before stepping into their professional lives. Pratham still was bitter over Ashi and Kiara too remembered her unrequited feelings. They were pretending to forget it as if ignorance would lead to completely forgetting about something that has been hurting both of them.

Isn't it so stupid that we all run hiding our true selves from everyone even ourselves, wearing a happy mask pretending that nothing has happened? Whereas the reality is that we are hurt, we want to shout in front of the whole world about our pain, our suffering and our miseries. Clarifying that all those pretences of being happy are as fake as our declaration that we have finally moved on.

No, it is difficult. It is damn difficult.

Kiara was working on her laptop when her mother came in.

"Kiara there is a proposal for you... The guy has his own business and is from a great family... I want you to think about it, it is a nice proposal. I'm growing old and I'm worried for you cuz at the end of the day you too need a partner."

"Mom I don't want to get married before I become a doctor...I want to be independent first and then anything else"

"Ik shona..So only one year is left naa, we can atleast be in touch with them and after you complete your studies then we will decide about the marriage"

"Actually I don't want to get married at all...I don't want any commitments at this point, please."

"Why and don't you dare say because of your education because I already told everything will be fix after you become independent..I too want you to be independent...And we both know that is not the real reason..And ik what it is"

"There is nothing as such, you are taking it wrong."

She said while averting her eyes.

"Are u sure? You like Pratham right? That is why you are disagreeing. I have seen the way you are around him. Haina! he is the reason..Now why are you quiet say na..give justifications"

"No, there is nothing like that he is just my best friend nothing else. Please stop thinking like this. Aisa Kuch bhi nahi hain."

She observed her daughter, it was pretty evident that she was in love with Pratham. She had always guessed, but it was confirmed on the night of his engagement. She looked so wrecked, broken and miserable when she returned. It seems like she had lost something too precious. She had been sure after that but kept quiet. But now she can't let her only daughter destroy her life. She was her mother and she wanted Kiara to be happy and she will make sure of it.

While on another hand Kiara was becoming uncomfortable under her mother's scrutinizing gaze, she knew she would be able to look between her facade and she never wanted that.

"Aisa Kuch bhi nahi hai, Please believe me."

And then the worst happened she went towards her cupboard opening the drawer she took out a paper, the paper she wasn't supposed to take out. No one was supposed to. She had a horrified expression on her face and she quickly snatched it from her mother.

"Mom nothing is there..Wait!what are you doing?"

"Thank God I went through it or you would have never told me your feelings. Look loving someone is not bad, and I know Pratham is a nice person I too like him. Now Ashi isn't there anymore so I don't see any reason for your refusal..Why you aren't confessing your feelings?"

"But he still loves her and he is not going to allow anyone to take her place, and my feelings in front of him is going to ruin the friendship we have and I can't afford that."

"You know that day when he told me that he love her was one of the worst days of my life. I was sitting there to tell him about my feelings and we were fighting that I am going to tell first or you. You know a part of me wish I would have told him about my feelings first, he would have rejected me but then he would have restrained telling me about his feelings for her. He would have never asked me to plan his dates, he would not have asked me to pick his clothes to impress her, he would not have taken me to shop for the engagement ring. Maybe it would have hurt a little less than it already was."

It was true it was so unbearable to see him passing heart eyes to Ashi or asking suggestions about the ring or his
clothes or their date plans.

"But then another part of me is happy that he is not aware of my feelings or we would have drifted apart."

"Why are you doing this to your self? Why are you ruining yourself for him?"

"I am not ruining myself. I am not forgetting him because I can't forget him..That love has been the reason for my countless tears and sleepless nights. It has caused me anguish, it had made me question myself and it had lead me to indulge in self-pity. I have spent so many nights wondering what did Ashi had that I didn't. Why didn't he ever saw me in the same way that he saw Ashi with? Why the kinda love that he had in his eyes for her was not directed to me. Am I so bad mom?"

She asked weeping

"No, you aren't bad neither he is..We can't control who we fall in love with."

"Why can't we control? Why are we so vulnerable and defeated in front of our feelings? Why do we fall in love with someone who is not supposed to be ours? Why mom why? Why can't I forget him? Why can't I move on?"

She said caressing the paper in her hand. It was when she realized her feeling she decided to write him a letter, a love letter to be precise. Seeing this letter took her down the memory lane.

She looked at her mother who looked worried for her, shocked at her outburst.

"But you don't need to take tension. I am not going to sit and wait for him. I have too many fairytales associated with love and I am going to fulfill them. Pyaar ke saath na sahi pyaar karne wale ke Saath hi Sahi."

She exclaimed walking inside the balcony.

"Kiara?"

Her mother walked inside the balcony and asked her.

"It's okay mae theek hu bilkul.. Mujhe thode der akele rehna hain bass...Please."

She replied turning her head towards the view outside.

Her mother looked at her worried about her but never the less left the room.

The balcony was the favourite part of her room. It was small yet comforting. The view was magnificent. The sky looked so beautiful today. The vast horizon shinning with billions of stars and moon shined in the middle being the center of attention. Growing up she always fascinated the the the the moon, it was beautiful. It lighted up the twilight magnificently. Gazing at the sky gave her peace and she was in great need of that right now.

She hated crying over the same thing again and again. She hated being vulnerable in front of her feelings. But she knew she had to let it all out or it would have suffocated her to death. She also knew she would find someone. Someone who would be a lot better than him.

"The problem is not that we don't find someone. The problem is that we don't find someone who our heart had yearned for" Her subconsciousness remarked.

And there all her debates and assurances died. She could have the whole world but it would never be him.

The following day after she arrived from her university, she saw Pratham's parents sitting in the drawing-room with her parents.

"What are they doing here?" She thought. She was curious and she stood behind the door listening to their conversations.

"I would talk to the point. We have come here with a marriage proposal of Pratham for Kiara"

She stepped back horrified.

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