Everything you need to know

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Writing this chapter with Yellow, let her go, everything I wanted and you're gonna miss this as the bgm had me in tears.
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Well, hi. It's definitely been a while.

It's been almost three weeks since it happened and I see that you remember me. You've got a great memory, I know some people who'd forget about my existence after that period of time.

But what I can also see is that you're still apologising for anything and everything.
Soon you'll be apologising for breathing.

See, I'm not mad or anything.
You thought about that break before talking about it to me. I know you probably thought a lot, and thought that it was the best.
I'm the one who had an exaggerated reaction.

I'm not mad. It's alright.
You had to think a lot before talking about taking a break.
I won't insult you or anything.
And, to be honest, I should be the one apologising. I mean, I'm the problem in that story. Mentally unstable, not having the balls to talk about it or anything...
You have every reason to want to take a break. I would also want to take a break if I were you.

This letter might be pretty long, because I'm about to open up. I know that I won't be able to talk about it face to face, and I'm about to say everything you need to know while I have the courage to.

So, I'm that little orphan who grew up in a catholic house after being adopted at the age of seven. I wasn't allowed to be what I wanted to be, I had to go to church every sunday, I had to pray every night, and I didn't have the right to talk 'nonsense'.
No vampires, no werewolves, nothing.

My adoptive parents also died when I was ten.
Didn't stay long, eh.
Never knew who my real parents were. I searched very hard to find, yet a lot of Y/L/N died in 1962. Sometimes I ask myself, were they really muggle born? Or were they half-blood? pure-blood? What were they? Who were they? Why can't I remember them? How were they? Were they kind? How did they die? Were they killed? Did they died in an accident? A car crash? An airplane crash? Was the house set on fire? It's always who, how, what...
But mostly: Who am I really?

Also, let me tell you that the orphanage I was in, panicked when I received my letter.
They didn't know what to do, and never knew that I could've possibly be a witch.
Yet, they bought me an owl since it was the only thing they could buy me. I had to go to Hogwarts by myself with only clothes, then I met your brother and he bought me everything I needed.

At this time, a doctor diagnosed me with depression and I was already self-harming.
I self-harm because of my every day thoughts:
Why do I live?, I don't deserve my friends and I'm a problem in their lives, I will never be loved enough because of these scars, I'm too scared to be friends with people or loved by somebody, Why am I so emotionally numb sometimes?, Why can't I be happy?, Wouldn't it be all better if I was gone?, Why am I still here?, I really do bother them, I just ruin the mood, they don't really want me in their lives because who would possibly want someone like me?, and more.

Your brother discovered it and promised to keep the secret (which he did and I'm very thankful to him for that).
I developed social anxiety and refused any friendship because I was scared to do something wrong and being judged by everyone. I fought it and got rid of it only recently.

Yet, when I see everyone having fun even when I'm not here, I don't want to come in because I feel that it'll ruin everything.
I see everyone laughing and everything and I don't want to ruin the mood.
So, when I'm with everyone, I'm trying my best to keep a good mood and make everyone enjoy the moment, I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or anything just because I'm here.

Also, I've never experienced love or friendship until I met your brother. He offered me his friendship without hesitation and even without knowing anything about love but from books, I helped him to get out with his crush! On another part, I had to work hard to get yours but got it and it went from friendship to love.
I can say that the Black brothers were my first in everything, ahah!

I'm very thankful to you both for offering me these opportunities. I never thought I'd experience any of that, yet here we are.
I'm a marauder, I'm friend with the girls and the boys who I thought I'd never be friend with, I got the friendship of the boy I wanted to be friend with since his first year and I even got his love..!

The paper was curled because of Y/N's tears.

I'm sorry, I don't deserve you or any other person I've got in my life.
I know I shouldn't be here and you should be living your life as you were living it before knowing me, I can't help but think that you'd really be better without me.
I'm sincerely thinking about leaving. Maybe not life, but leaving Hogwarts, at least.
Anything for you and everyone else to live your life without me being a problem.

I'm truly sorry.
I love you.

Y/N Y/L/N.

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