April 30, 2001
The room was starting to spin. Stevie clung to the table and took a few deep breaths, nails digging into the varnished surface. It had been a long, long time since she'd felt this drunk. With good reason, she thought as the nausea began to take hold.
"I need some fresh air." Still gripping the table she staggered to her feet as Karen helped her up.
"Woah, steady - steady! Do you want some water?"
She shook her head and weaved through the crowd of people toward the fire escape. Gulping in the late spring New York air, she sat on the steps in the alley behind the club. She had not intended to get in this state when she arrived at the gig, but the atmosphere was so good she just got caught up in it. Besides, she was celebrating. Her album was coming out tomorrow. Her first ever album where she hadn't relied on drugs to get her through. Her first ever album where she felt like she had some kind of control. Her first ever album where she'd really felt heard and respected by her producers.
Which was what brought her to Sheryl's gig tonight. She'd had jokes before about how she tends to get over involved with her producers and Sheryl had dodged a bullet, but the truth was they had become so close she couldn't imagine life without her now. She felt flutters of excitement when she thought about them being reunited properly for the album tour in July. There was just something about the way she felt when she was around her - she wanted to feel that way all the time.
As the cool breeze brushed her face, she started to sober up. She should have accepted Karen's offer of some water.
"Hey, here you are." She felt a shock up her back at the soft, Midwest accent behind her. Why was she nervous? Sheryl dropped down onto the step beside her and rested her head on her shoulder. She was wearing a white vest and jeans, but she looked every inch the rockstar. Stevie almost resented how meticulously she planned her outfits when Sheryl made it look so effortless.
"I needed some air," she explained, resting her head against Sheryl's. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, at some point finding their fingers interlinking. Stevie had never been an especially tactile person. She hugged and kissed her friends but ever since the first day of recording with Sheryl it had seemed somehow necessary to be touching her whenever possible. They were forever draped over each other in the studio, not thinking anything of it because it just made sense.
"Thanks for coming tonight."
"Oh, my pleasure! It's been so much fun. I've missed you."
Sheryl lifted her head to look at Stevie.
"I've missed you, too."
She wasn't sure if it was the drink, the excitement of the album drop, or something else altogether she couldn't understand, but something made Stevie lean in to Sheryl, and before she could even process what she'd done, she felt soft lips against hers and a warm hand on her cheek.
She pulled back and stared at her friend in confusion, speechless over what had just happened. She was shocked, not only by the kiss, but but the fact it felt so good. She wanted to do it again.
So she did. She held the back of Sheryl's head as she pressed their lips together. Sheryl's hands were on her face again as she opened her mouth, pushing her tongue against Stevie's lips until she quickly relented, moaning lightly as she tasted her for the first time.
Their hands tangled and carressed each other's hair, neither quite daring to be the first to explore further, but both aching to feel the other more closely. Stevie grew breathless as she felt that familiar tingle. She wanted Sheryl completely. It was strange - she'd never felt this way towards a woman before and yet it was so unexpectedly natural, just following what felt right.
Sheryl shifted on the step and moved to straddle Stevie, but before she could the sound of the fire escape door opening behind them made them spring apart, suddenly as far away from each other as they could get on the step.
They looked at each other, sharing an expression somewhere between shock and hunger. They were both flushed and their lipstick smeared. It would be completely obvious what had been interrupted to anyone who took notice of what was happening around them.
Fortunately, it was only Karen.
"I brought water. I know you said you were fine, but -"
"Thanks!" She grabbed the glass from her assistant and downed it in one before scrambling to her feet and moving to the fire escape. "You know I feel so much better now, just, like, kinda tired you know? So uh, I'm gonna -" she couldn't get the words out quick enough as she grabbed for the non-existent door handle.
Sheryl watched her, open mouthed and still sitting on the step, as she laughed hysterically before suddenly stopping. She was unraveling.
"Fire escape, right?! What a fucking idiot!" Still holding the empty glass she pushed past the other two and down the steps. "Karen, let's go! Big day tomorrow! We can get out this way! Right?"
Karen was absolutely thrown by what was happening. She looked at Sheryl, who tried desperately to look as confused as possible by Stevie's behavior. Thinking better than to question her employer's motives, she followed her down the alley towards the street.
"Stevie, wait!" Sheryl caught up to her, grabbing her hand and pulling her back. Finally getting the sense that this was private, Karen carried on walking, mumbling something about a cab.
Stevie avoided eye contact, desperate to get away.
"Hey, it's ok -"
"No it's not." She finally locked eyes with Sheryl. "It's not. I'm sorry, that won't happen again."
"But -"
"You're my friend and I don't want to ruin our friendship. We have a tour coming up. You're with Owen -"
"Like that ever stopped you having whoever you wanted before?" Sheryl was becoming frustrated. Stevie chose to ignore the - admittedly accurate - insinuation.
"Whatever, the point is that I'm not...I don't...I'm not - look it's fine if you are into that but I'm not."
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Into what? Kissing? You seemed pretty into it a minute ago!"
"Well that was then. Look, I don't know what came over me and I'm sorry. I like men."
"And that is fine, but liking men and liking me doesn't have to be mutually exclusive, Stevie. There's nothing wrong with what just happened. We're both adults. If it was a mistake then fine, it's done and we can forget it. But you're honestly telling me you didn't want that?"
"I don't know. I know there's nothing wrong with it, I'm just...I'm so confused-" she buried her head in her hands. Sheryl moved to comfort her but as she felt her arms round her she pushed her away. "No. I'm sorry, I am. I have to go. Thank you for a great night. I have to go."
Sheryl watched in shocked silence as Stevie turned and hurried to the street before disappearing out of sight.
Neither of them slept that night.
