When Sheryl woke the next morning, she was alone. Maybe Stevie had thought better of it and gone back to bed after all? But then her stomach jolted as she remembered their last conversation before going to sleep.
She put her head in her hands as she realized - she'd really just come right on out and asked for a baby. She'd told Stevie not to answer now, to go and think about it and take as long as she needed. Is this where she was? Sheryl felt panicked at the thought she could have blown things again already.
She pulled out some clothes from the backpack she'd hung on the door then stepped outside. The glare from the sun was bright and it took her a few seconds to adjust, hand up to her eyes to help see. She could make out two figures on the porch, and as she watched, one was getting up and going back into the house. Her eyes adjusted enough to make out the curtain of blonde hair. Still on the porch was a halo of red wild curls. Lori.
"Morning! Sleep well?" She had a twinkle in her eye as she said it. Sheryl smiled sheepishly.
"I hope we didn't..."
"Not at all. Glad you were having a good time. Trust me, in the old days, I've heard and seen it all with Stevie. Nothing surprises me."
"Was that her?"
"Uh, yeah," Lori's smile faltered as she turned towards the house. "Listen, d'you wanna coffee? There's enough here in the pot."
Sheryl made to walk into the house.
"I think I'll just -"
"Come sit. It's good coffee."
She took the hint and joined her would-be sister in law at the table they'd been sitting at the day before.
"Does it have tequila in it?"
Lori threw her head back and laughed.
"I do like you. I said it to Stevie just now."
"You were talking about me?" She sipped the coffee. It was good.
"Girl, she talks about precious little else. You must know that?"
At that moment Jessi burst out of the house and threw her arms around her mother's neck, kissing her before running down to play in the garden. They both watched her for a moment.
"She's a good girl." Lori smiled at her daughter.
"Oh she's great, so polite. Stevie really adores her."
"She'd have made a great mother. It's a shame things turned out how they did. It wasn't meant to be for her."
Sheryl paused, eyes still fixed on Jessi,
who was doing cartwheels across the lawn.
"She told you."
"We go way back, honey. Don't think it was idle gossip. You've sent her into a tailspin with it. She's come to terms with the fact it's not part of her story. She didn't count on you happening. She's spent years convincing herself she didn't want a baby and she was absolutely right, she had a shopping list of reasons why not to. And only one reason why she should. She wanted to.
"But wanting isn't enough. There are so many things, so many sacrifices you have to make. And I'm talking from experience here. So you piping up out of nowhere and saying you want a baby? You're her, 10, 15, 20 years ago. And her mind is set on all the reasons why you shouldn't, because that's what she's conditioned herself to do."
"I didn't realize."
"Of course you didn't. She wouldn't tell you all this herself. She'll never know if she made the right choices or not. She thinks she did, we all think she did, I mean, look at the career she's had. But she's always going to wonder who she might have been if wanting was enough. So now she's in a mess. Because everything in her is conditioned to say no. But that's not fair on you. So what does she do? Deny you the right to follow that path? Of course not."
Sheryl buried her head in her hands again.
"I've made such a mess! I didn't mean for any of this."
"It will find it's way. It always does, don't worry. Jessi! Jessica! Not in the plants!" She turned to Sheryl. "You see, they ain't all that."
~
The car journey home was considerably more muted than on the way out. Sheryl picked out a radio station at random, just to break the silence.
The rest of the morning had passed pleasantly enough, so much so that Barbara had suggested they stay on another night but Stevie immediately said they had to get back. All in all though, Sheryl felt she'd gone down well with the family, which had been the point of the trip. They'd been mindful to tone down the affection in front of Stevie's parents, but even so, it really seemed that by the time they left both Jess and Barbara were more accepting of the relationship and were truly happy for them.
They were, of course, oblivious to the wedge that had appeared overnight. Sheryl was all too aware that disagreeing over whether to have children was a common relationship deal breaker. Of course she'd rather be happy with Stevie than be a mother without, but she also knew her girlfriend well enough to know that the shadow of that conversation would always be present now. She'd always wonder if Sheryl truly meant it, or being with her meant letting go of a part of herself she'd always wanted.
She was right. Stevie hated the what-ifs that haunted her dreams. It was perhaps why she'd held on to Lindsey for so long. It kept that what if alive. But the others...it had broken her in a way that could never be fixed to come to terms with not being a mother. She'd got to a place she wasn't sure she could come back from. She couldn't put Sheryl in that position.
As she gazed ahead at the vast nothingness of the desert, she began to feel her perfect life unraveling.
Something was ringing.
"My phone, could you get it Stevie? It's in my purse."
She fumbled in the bag and found the phone, but by the time she got to it, the call had been missed.
"It's an unknown number, shall I call it back? Oh wait, you got a message..."
She opened the text and her blood turned to ice.
I love and miss you and your body like crazy. Just putting it out there. Call me. Brian xxx
