The familiar Los Angeles skyline whipped past the car window, but Stevie still gazed out as though it was the first time. She was focussing on how blessed she was to see it every day. When she was anxious, her mother had taught her, she should focus on what she had to be thankful for. Her mother. What were her parents going to say about all this? She realized with a jolt she should have told them first. In the chaos of yesterday she didn't think. And then last night...the weight in her stomach turned to butterflies and she smiled.
Every time she thought about the press release, she thought of another person who would be affected. And yet, every time, she also remembered why she had done it. She thought of Sheryl, still sleeping peacefully in her bed, oblivious to the crowd of paparazzi waiting outside the gates for a glimpse of them. She was more important than anyone, and what anyone thought. And yet, facing Lindsey was a prospect that still made her nauseous.
They had agreed last night in the dark stillness of Stevie's room that she should go to the studio alone this morning. Sheryl still had some parts on Say You Will to record as she had come up with countless reasons why she couldn't go into the studio since the break up, but on this occasion it was better for Stevie, initially at least, to speak to the band by herself. These men were virtually family. They had grown up together and shared so much. They would understand. Right?
Her phone hadn't stopped ringing. She'd turned the sound off but it was still constantly vibrating with every call. She didn't know how to stop it and it was driving her mad so between rejecting calls she quickly fired off a message to Sheryl: "turning my phone off. 2 crazy. C u later x", switched it off and hurled it into her purse in a rage. She missed a world without cell phones.
When she arrived at the studio, the place seemed deserted. The documentary crew, the excess people, all conveniently absent. God bless Karen. She hadn't actually seen her since the commotion yesterday so didn't know her feelings but she knew the "closed set" would have been her doing and made a mental note to thank her.
She walked into the recording space and the only person there, idly picking his guitar, was John. He smiled up at her as she entered.
"Hello, Steves."
John had always been like a brother to her. She'd mediated his divorce from Chris, he'd stayed impartial with the drama with Lindsey and with Mick and with Christ knows who else. She was his daughter's godmother. He put down the bass and strode across the room, wrapping her in a hug she knew all too well he didn't give out lightly.
"You alright, gal?"
"I think so." She searched for something in his eyes. It was entirely possible, knowing John, that he had no idea what was going on. He lived in a blissful bubble of ignorance. She'd always envied it.
"Where is she then?"
Ah.
"Oh, she's uh, at home."
"In bed?"
"Yes."
"Good gal, that's what I like to hear. Hope you sorted her out." He winked and Stevie laughed aloud in shock. She'd never heard him talk like this.
"Ohh, I get it - I'm one of the guys now, huh?"
"Not at all, what makes you say that? Tell you what though, trust you to pull a better looking girl than any of the rest of us have managed in the last 40 years. Present company excluded, of course."
She rolled her eyes and smiled at him, pulling him in for another hug. She heard the very obvious noise of someone trying to surreptitiously make their presence felt without being obvious behind her.
"Hi, Mick," she said, without breaking away from John's hug to turn to him.
"Oh, hello."
John mumbled something about coffee and made a sharp exit. There was too much history between Mick and Stevie for him to third wheel on this conversation.
"Are you...is everything ok?"
She frowned suspiciously.
"How do you mean? I'm fine."
"No, I just - that's good, I just meant with everything, you must have had a crazy morning."
"Not really. I've said it, people know. The press will put their own spin on it as they always do. But I don't care, I just want to get back to normal. It's just another day. I had to say it, so -"
"Why?"
"Hm?"
"I've been thinking about it since I found out and it's just not like you, big announcement like that. Especially without telling us first."
There was a tone of resentment in his voice that Stevie understood but it pissed her off all the same.
"Look, I had to, ok? My hands were tied." Her cheeks flushed and she suppressed an inappropriate smirk as she realized what she'd said before quickly explaining the situation with the guy Sheryl had been seeing. "So it was the only way to get ahead of it."
"Shit. That's blackmail. Have you told the police?"
"Yes. So is that it? Are we ok?" She watched him shift from one foot to the other, twisting his beard. He was infuriatingly indirect at times.
"Yes, of course. It's just a shock, that's all...as I said, would have been nice to know before the rest of the planet," she rolled her eyes at this, "but I understand! I do."
She let the silence hang in the air. There was something else. She could see him working up to the question she knew was coming but decided to let him squirm for a moment and find his own way to asking it. Such a child.
"Have you always known?"
She sighed heavily and ran a hand through her hair. The fragility of the male ego.
"You mean when I was with you? No. I didn't know until it happened. And I was very careful in the wording of the statement. I don't see myself as a lesbian or anything like that, I'm just in love with someone who happens to be a woman. I don't care what that makes me but I'm not gay, ok? Not that it would matter if I was, but I was clear about that."
With a flourish, Mick pulled a newspaper from seemingly nowhere. She was splashed across the front of it, a provocative pose from 10 years ago. Above it, the words STEVIE: "I'M GAY".
"For fuck's sake."
At that moment, Lindsey walked in. He stopped and stared at the headline, then to Mick, then finally to Stevie. She chewed her lip as their eyes met. He was stony faced. Brushing past them both, he moved to the mixing desk and started playing around with it.
"John!" Mick and Stevie both jumped out of their skins as his yell shattered the silence. "Are we working today or what?!"
