The Villainess

48: family

Cameron

Family is supposed to be our safe place. But very often, it is where we find the deepest heartache.

I was made aware of that fact at such a young age. Family is supposed to be our source of strength but mine was the reason source of my pain. It is supposed to care and love you but mine didn't. They did, but not until Bridgette came. Family is supposed to be your safe haven, but mien turned out to be my greatest nightmare. Family is supposed to be fair, but mine wasn't. Family was supposed to comfort you but mine left me alone to cry.

Lagi akong napapaisip. Na kung hindi ba dumating si Bridgette ay mas naging maayos kami? Na kung nakuntento lang ako, sinubukan kong ayusin ang relasyon ko kay Bridgette, if only I wasn't such an ungrateful brat, maybe we didn't have to be liek this? That I wouldn't be like this.

Lagi kong sinisisi si Bridgette sa lahat ng kaletsehan at kamiserablehan ko pero, siya nga ba talaga ang dahilan? Pero sino nga ba talaga ang may kasalanan? Was it my parents who were unfair to me? Was it Kuya Sam who stood idly? Or was it me for being greedy?

Kasi parang paulit-ulit na ipinamumukha sa akin ng mundo na kasalanan ko lahat ng nangyari. Kasalanan ko kung bakit namatay si Auntie at si Anda. Kasalanan ko na mas mahal ng pamilya ko si Bridgette. Kasalanan ko kung bakit mas pinili nina Hiro at Varron si Bridgette at iwan ako. Na kasalanan ko. Kasalanan ko lahat. Kasi ang sama-sama ko. Kasi makasarili ako. Kasi hindi ako nakuntento.

Pero putangina naman, simple lang naman yung gusto ko eh. Gabi gabi kong hiniling na sana kinabukasan ay maging sapat na ako sa paningin ng magulang ko. Na mahalin din nila ako katulad ng pagmamahal nila sa mga kapatid ko. Kasi tangina....they were so fckin unfair to me. Bakit sa kanila hindi? Ano bang dapat kong gawin? Ano pa bang kulang? Lahat naman ginawa ko. Lahat sinunod ko. Pero tangina, para lang sa wala. Nabaliwala lahat. Iniwan na naman ako. Kasi masyado akong problematic.

I just wanted....to be happy.

The old me just wanted her parent's attention like every kid does. She just wanted to be enough. To be loved. Yun lang naman eh. Pero bakit ang hirap hirap? Bakit?

Wala ba akong karapatan na magkaroon ng isang masayang pamilya? Was I not allowed to be happy? Was I destined to be forever miserable?

That night, I watched my children crying because of their father. They said they hate him for being too late, for always making me cry, for not being there when we needed him. Lahat ng inipon nilang galit ay nilabas nila noong gabing iyon. They fell asleep from too much crying. Kung kailan sila nakatulog ay siya namang tuluyang pagbagsak ng mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. I can't cry in front of them. As their mom, I should be strong, I should be there to listen and comfort them. I can't falter anymore.

When will this end? Pagod na pagod na ako.

I woke up with puffy eyes from crying. When I looked at my phone, it was qaurter to 6pm. Bumaling ako sa kambal na mahimbing paring natutulog. I kissed both their foreheads and went out of the room. The living room was sparkly clean and organized unlike yesterday evening. Akala ko umalis na si Varron but I saw him sleeping on the sofa, mabuti nalang at kasya siya doon. I went to the kitchen and started preparing the twins' breakfast and mine. Ngayon ang unang araw nila sa eskwelahan kaya inagahan ko talaga ang pagbangon so I can prepare their lunchboxes. Their class will start at 7 and will end by noon. Ako ang maghahatid sa kanila tuwing umaga then Ashley and Josh will pick them up.