heartsick | junhao

10

chan walked into junhui's room, but didn't see him.

"jun?" chan spoke out loud, trying to hear a voice maybe from the bathroom. but he heard nothing,

his heart started to race as he immediately assumed the worst, he walked over to the bathroom door and knocked on it softly. he tried to keep himself calm—both for him and for junhui's well-being.

"junnie? are you in there?" chan asked, still not hearing any answer. his chest started moving up and down rapidly as tears stung his eyes,

he walked out of the room and called for mingyu to help him get the door open, mingyu immediately got up and went upstairs to help chan out.

when he walked into the boys room, he was shocked to see how much of a mess it had become. junhui usually was always kept his room clean, but he had stuff everywhere.

his bed was unmade, and he had trash all over the floors. it wasn't until now mingyu started to seriously worry about the boy,

he hadn't talked to him in a while, nor has he really seen the boy. but he understood sometimes people didn't have the energy to talk to others, but he didn't know it was more than just that.

"can you please help me open the door?" chan said, referring to the bathroom door. "i tried talk to him but he didn't answer, i think he's in there. and i'm—i'm scared," he said, "i hope he didn't.. hurt himself," he finished, his voice lowering and his sentence getting slower.

mingyu nodded his head as he turned around and looked for a coin to use to unlock the door, assuming it wasn't barricaded.

mingyu found a quarter on junhui's dresser and used it unlock the door, and when he did he saw junhui lying on the floor. mingyu's breath caught in his throat as he went to the boys side and tried to wake him up,

he shook the boy and watched as junhui's eyes slowly open, mingyu sighed in relief when he found the boy was alive.

he hugged the boy softly as if he could break at any time, junhui was so much skinnier than he was before. he cheeks seemed more hollow than before, mingyu felt as though he could wrap his arms around him 3 times before it's too tight.

junhui winced a little bit at mingyu's sudden hug, he wriggled out of mingyu's hold and blinked fastly. it took him a second to process his surroundings,

"oh my god junhui," chan said, "i'm so glad you're okay."

"of course i'm okay- i just," junhui began, he was barely able to hold himself up because of how hard he was shaking, "i must've passed out."

chan walked over to junhui and grabbed the boys wrist and lifted him up, "do you want to try and do something today?" he asked, "if you don't want to that's perfectly reasonable, but i feel like maybe it'd be good if you got out of the house? we could do anything you want as long as it would make you feel better." chan suggested.

junhui stood there and didn't talk, "i can think about it, i just.. i don't feel the motivation to even be standing right now." chan put his hand on junhui's shoulder and rubbed his shoulder,

"think about it for however long you need to, don't rush yourself. i'll be waiting for you no matter how long it takes," chan reassured. junhui smiled for the first time in what felt like forever as he slipped his arms around chan's neck and pulled him in for a hug.

"thank you for being there for me," junhui said as he buried his face in chan's neck, "it really means a lot."

chan smiled and wrapped his arms around the boy and hugged him tightly, "of course. you mean the world to me,"

-

minghao sat in his living room beside dokyeom and joshua, as they all played mario kart.

minghao and joshua talked about what happened the second minghao got home, he considered texting junhui so maybe they could talk, but he was sure he didn't want to hear from him.

it was easy for minghao to pretend nothing happened, he had meant nearly everything he said to him. and the separation didn't really mean anything to him.

it was true, he felt bad for beating up junhui, but he didn't love him like he said he did. he just wanted to believe he loved him,

that didn't necessarily mean it was true.

"hey, hao," dokyeom said, "do you wanna go out and do something? i mean, me and shua are leaving tomorrow. we should do something more than playing mario kart all day,"

minghao got up and grabbed his keys, "i'm ready when you guys are," he said as he plopped down on the couch. "go get ready, we'll make plans in the car."

he absentmindedly opened junhui's contact as he decided to call him, maybe they could talk after a week of no contact.

-

junhui laid in bed beside chan, chan's arm was underneath junhui's head and junhui's arm was on chan's stomach. they were cuddled underneath the blankets as they watched a show,

jun felt his phone vibrate so he reached behind him and picked up his phone, "who is it?" chan asked, not taking his eyes off the screen. the lack of answer made chan even more curious, so he looked at the phone to see minghao's name.

"why is he calling me?" junhui asked, chan shrugged his shoulders.

"it's up to you whether or not you answer it," he said, turning his body to face junhui. "you're not required to talk to him unless you're ready."

"i don't want to talk to him but— i'll feel bad if i don't answer," junhui said, chan nodded his head.

"then don't talk to him, he's the one who said all that horrible stuff to you. it isn't required to talk to him," he said, "do whatever makes you comfortable jun,"

junhui nodded his head and silenced the call, "i don't trust myself if i do talk to him," he admitted, "i'm still... sensitive, i guess. i already know i'll fall back into his trap,"

"i still love him, chan," junhui said, "i don't know why, he hasn't done anything to help me, when i was at my worst it was always you who helped me,"

"i'm just... i'm just so heartsick without him," he sighed as he wiped tears from his eyes before they could fall, "it's pathetic. i'm pathetic, i can't believe i'm still feeling this way over him,"

chan nodded his head and pulled junhui into a hug, "he doesn't deserve you, jun. you're nothing but nice to everybody, even the people who are the worse to you," he said, "you deserve nothing but the best. someone who will love you for who you are and will hold you and be by your side through thick and thin,"

"he hurt you and you still trusted him, that alone shows how kind you are,"

junhui sniffled a little bit as he felt his throat thicken, "i love you chan, really i do." he said as he tightened the hug. "thank you for always being there for me,"

chan rubbed junhui's back as he cried, his mind full of all the things he wanted to tell junhui. "i love you too," he said as he rested his chin on jun's head.

chan truly loved junhui, he just didn't know if junhui understood what he meant when he said "i love you". to junhui, he was just a friend who would look at him as if he was his whole world.

he couldn't tell that chan was in love with him because he was too busy loving someone else to notice.