heartsick | junhao

18

"this could be a disaster,
there's so many factors.
like, what if you freak out,
and then we're losing it all?
the critical chapter, where i say "i love you",
and you don't say it after," - disaster, conan gray

"when are you going home?" junhui questioned, walking back into the hospital room. it took him about 3 days to become comfortable and sure enough to leave the room,

"i haven't heard about it from the doctors, but i'm sure it'll be soon. i mean, i'm feeling great," he said, spreading his arms out as if he was trying to prove a point.

junhui smiled and brought minghao's food to his bed, lifting up his hair and kissing his temple as he set the food down.

"hey, junnie?"

"hmm?"

"do you.. forgive me?" junhui raised his head up and raised his eyebrows,

he held his breath for a second as he looked back down at the ground, wondering how he could word and reason. "i don't know," he answered, "i know it's confusing for me to say that. i have been affectionate to you recently but... you did hurt me a lot."

minghao nodded his head, "i'm sorry for everything, you really didn't deserve any of that," he said as he set his cup back down. "you really are a sweet guy, and, i don't deserve any of the kind treatment you've been giving me."

junhui sighed deeply, "i love you. you know i love you, and.. i've always loved you. even though i know i shouldn't, even when you didn't feel the same—if you even feel the same now. we both know i should walk away, but i can't find it in myself to,"

"every day, ever since you left me behind at the amusement park, i wanted you to be mine," minghao admitted, "i know i shouldn't say this. i basically said i used you,"

"i went into, a well, pretty bad depression whenever you said that," he admitted, "but chan was always there to care for me, he treated me well."

"that's good," minghao answered, trying not to reveal any envy in his voice. he looked up from the food junhui brought him and locked eyes with the boy,

"but he's not you," junhui stated.

"he's better for you, though. even a fool could tell that he's in love with you," he inquired, he watched junhui's expression carefully whenever he said those words.

he watched as junhui's face turned a slight shade of red and his eyes widened. "really?"

"mhm, i always could tell. he would always defend you, i remember after our... fight, i texted him asking why you weren't answering, and he got super defensive,"

"well that's one way to make someone feel like shit," junhui muttered to himself, still being heard by minghao.

"how?"

"i just... i feel like, i don't know, i may have led him on?"

"do you like him?"

"i don't..." he responded, not being able to tell if this was a white lie or not.

he knew he felt something towards chan, but he didn't know if he could consider it love, or if he was just thankful towards him.

-

"they won't work out, i mean, how could they work out?!" chan basically yelled, sitting on the edge of vernon's bed while vernon changed into more comfortable clothes.

"well, soulmates always find a way,"

"did you seriously just call them soulmates?"

"well... the way minghao talks about junhui, you'd think they were."

"junhui said he hated minghao just the other day," chan said, scratching his head in frustration, "god! this is driving me crazy, if he hated minghao as much as he said, why was he all cuddled up to him?"

"don't worry about it too much, chan," vernon said, "whatever happens will happen. also, you can turn back around now."

"you know, i hate you for saying that," he said as he rolled his eyes, "'whatever happens will happen' my ass. i don't want minghao to date junhui, that's not what should happen,"

vernon sighed as he looked at chan, whose ears were red. he wanted to help him, but vernon never experienced love like that before, and no matter what he said, that smart-ass named chan would always find a way to debunk him.

"let's just watch a movie, try and get your mind off of it," vernon suggested, trying to pull chan off of his bed.

"fine. what movie,"

"um... how about we can watch any movie you like, and we can order some food?" chan nodded his head excitedly as he moved down to the floor in front of the tv.

"let's order some squid, it's been a while since i've had that," chan looked at vernon as he talked, and saw vernon cringe slightly whenever he suggested that.

"okay, i'll order you some squid. i'm going to order myself something else,"

-

"when you go away, i still see you.
sunlight on your face in my rear view"
- sunsetz, cigarettes after sex

minghao and junhui walked out of the hospital just as the sun was beginning to set.

minghao was a little weak from not having moved around a lot, so he had to depend on junhui to hold him up, and help him inside the backseat of his car.

junhui asked the boy if he wanted to do anything after his first time getting out of the hospital in what felt like forever, but the boy said anything was okay, he just wanted to be with him.

hearing the boy say this hurt him, as he knew one day he would have to leave minghao, no matter how much he didn't want to.

he decided to bring minghao to his favorite cafe since he hadn't been in a while. they sat at the tables in a comfortable silence, just enjoying the time they had with each other before they went home.

minghao had never noticed how lonely he really was until he met junhui again,

he had vernon, and vernon was enough. but vernon could never fill the hurt in his heart the way junhui could.

he never wanted to lose junhui if he could help it. even if junhui left, minghao would continue to try.

if two hearts are meant to be together, no matter how long it takes, how far apart they are, how tough it may seem, fate brings them together.

whenever minghao was in the hospital, all he could think about was junhui. and as junhui slept, he whispered the words to himself,

"if death takes my hand, i will hold you with the other and promise to find you in every lifetime."