REGRET (Ashton Irwin)

10. The truth

Trigger warning!!!
For full effect read while listening to miss you by blink-182 (especially second half)
Also, harps singing voice is Billie eilish/ girl in red!!!

Harpers pov:

The rest of the week went by smoothly.

It was now a week and a day since Ashton and I confessed our feelings towards each-other, and he's sat with me in my room talking about who are the best bands.

"Your favourite is still obviously going to be blink-182." He said rolling his eyes,

"Er yeah! That's because there amazing and perfect and nothing will ever come close to being better!" I protested,

"Not even my band?" He said faking upset,

"Nope, sorry."

We messed around for a while play fighting, until my hoodie sleeves rolled up without me noticing.

"Hey harper?" Shit. No one ever calls me that unless it's serious. "Harp?" He repeated, concern evident in his voice.

"Yeah?"

"W-what...why- what's this?" He asked looking down at my wrists.

"Oh..n-nothing. Probably from like a skating accident." I lied. I couldn't tell him the truth, he would pity me, and blame himself.

"No, that's not nothing. I've known you forever. I know what I'm seeing, I just- I- I need you to tell me that I'm wrong." He begged,

It took everything in me not to cry yet.

"Ash...." I started. Before I could finish I took a deep breath. "You'll....you'll hate me,"

"I would never," he said holding both of my wrists in his large hands,

"I'm disgusting," I sobbed,

"Hey, hey it's okay. You could never be discusting red. I'm here now, I won't leave. You can tell me anything,"

"When I first got to California... I had no friends. And I can't speak to people, so I tried to fit in. I tried so hard. But it was just me, and I'd never felt so, so alone," more tears rolled down my cheeks as Ashton stared into my eyes, looking for a ray of sunshine, only to be greeted with grey clouds and rain.

"And I just, didn't know what to do. Eventually, the only people who would speak to me were all older than me, and I was too stupid, too fucking blinded by them, to realise that they were all using me and the crowd that an almost sixteen year old girl should not be around.
Especially him."

"Your ex?" Ash asked worriedly. I nodded.

"He got me into...." I took a deep breath. "Please don't hate me ash."

"I couldn't."

"He g-got me into drugs, and alcohol. And it was all too much, I tried to stop, but I couldn't get away from him. He would tell me how I was nothing until I found him, and one n-" I couldn't finish without letting it all out.

The look on Ashtons face killed me. I don't know if it was anger, disappointment or just pure hatred, but whatever it was, it wasn't the same ash from before.

"It's okay love, I'm not mad at you, I'm glad that you're here with me," he assured me before I continued.

"One night he- he started being all t-t-ouchy with me, and when I didn't let him," my head dropped as Ashtons hold on me tightened, "he hit me, and did it anyway. I was still 15."

I looked up at Ashton and noticed he had tears in his eyes. "Fuck." Was all he said,

"And I had no one to talk to about it, because...well you know my relationship with my mum has never been good, and we left because my Dad died, so I felt like I was completely worthless, and no one wanted me. God no one did! It all put me in a really bad place mentally and physically. I couldn't get away from him. That's when I started harming, and other stuff.....suddenly acting became really hard because of the characters I play, and every thing just became one big mess. I'm a mess. A complete mess.... I've never told anyone about this, I had no one to tell."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there!" He cried,

"Ash even if you did call, you'd have been on the other side of the world."

"Even if I just called you, you'd have been able to talk to me and not felt so alone! I'm so sorry. I'm never going to let someone do that again." He promised while cradling my shaking body.

Ashtons pov:

I was her best friend. Screw that. We were soulmates. And I had the audacity to make her go through that all alone.
She was raped. She could have gotten killed. Addiction. Alone.

Raped. Killed. Addiction. Alone.

The four words kept replying in my head.

"I swear to god, if I see him! How old was he at the time?" I asked,

"Well he said he was 23 when I was 15, so about 25ish now. I don't know why I even spoke to him to start with. It was just I needed someone. Anyone. To take away what I felt towards myself. But he only made it all a hundred times worse."

The longer I stare at her cut wrists, the more it hurts. It's like I expect them to disappear the longer I look.

"If you ever, ever feel like you need to do this again," I started, "I want you to take my arms, and cut as long as you need,"

"Ash, I could never hurt you like that,"

"Then why to yourself?" I questioned,

"Because I deserved it for letting that happen. It's my fault and no one else's. I'm disgusting, I was underage. I tried to tell my mum, but she was never home. Always out at a random bar coming home with different men every night, trying to fill the void that dad left. Fuck why does everything have to get so messy?"

"I won't let it. Not again. Not ever."

"Thanks ash. No one's ever listened or cared before,"

"I'll always care about you, I always have, even when it may not have seamed like it."

"Anyway, can we do something else, this is kinda depressing?" She asked,

"I saw you had a few drums and stuff downstairs, can you still play all the songs we learnt?" I asked with a smirk,

"How could I ever forget mr Ashton fletcher Irwin?" She replied imitating our music teacher mr lambert.

I got on the drum while harp eventually decided to play the bass rather than acoustic before we sang in perfect harmony to 'miss you', her favourite song ever.

I forgot just how good her voice is, it's the most soothing sound ever.