Jada's Journal

6/28/22

i need to start updating this continuously omfg. i think i might have a drug problem just a wee bit... i have such an addictive personality but at the same i can b like "yeah i need to stop" and stop whatever im addicted to instantly. its so fucking weird. i have no self control and SO MUCH at the same damn time. it might be a trauma response if im being honest. thinking about things that happened to me when i was little it most likely is. it sucks that things have to be this way.
also i got really really drunk (i literally cannot remember if it was yesterday or two days ago it feels like a fever dream in my head) and i did some things i definitely am not proud of. i feel like i betrayed myself by having little to no self control since im usually so good at controlling myself and stopping myself from doing and saying certain shit. i will NEVER be getting drunk with strangers EVERRRR.
i also have such a problem with intimacy. like what the fuck is with that? i know what caused it but still... im not exactly "moved on" from what happened to me but i definitely am a lot better at dealing with it. im forcing myself to allow people to touch my back so that i can get used to that shit again. it really scares me because i seriously get the worst flashbacks every. single. time anyone touches my back. but i have to force myself to shake it off. i really wanna allow myself to move forward. i hate being traumatized. it has ruined so many experiences for me. i hate going out, coming home, and sobbing into my pillow because someone accidentally touched me in a way i didn't like. what sucks the most is that nobody really knows i'm like this because i refuse to tell them. it's such a hard topic to bring up. after all im not gonna randomly be like "oh by the way i got assaulted! lol im a victim don't touch my neck, back, arms... oh actually, don't come within 10 feet of me!!! the only good thing about covid was that nobody would come near me. now that the world is becoming normal again people stand closer to me and it makes every hair follicle on my body stand straight up. i hate it. im always on edge. i hate feeling like i have to protect myself every second of the day.
at the same time (jfc i know. my entire "personality" contradicts itself) i craaaave intimacy. i went to be held so bad. like please just hold me and tell me everything will be okay. because then when someone else validates it then it i won't just feel like i'm lying to myself every second of the day. like damn. im a whole ass confused ass bitch, but at the same time i know what i want.
there's a lot of "at the same time's" in this entry. we gone roll wit it for now lol. i need to learn how to love myself. but i want to be loved so bad. i want somebody to confess to me man. im so tired of the one doing the confessing and getting rejected and having the whole process repeat itself. what am i doing wrong? i know that im gross in many ways but i swear to god im one of the most genuine people most people will ever meet, they just have to break my hard exterior first. i try so hard to "be myself" but it's so hard when you were raised to be so straight faced and "tough." i basically grew up expecting every important person in my life to leave me.