Jada's Journal

4/14/23

Every now and then I get stuck in a situation where I have to pass time and I don't have the preferred methods of doing such. It is at those times where I'll watch a youtube video on mute, scroll through social media I don't use, or open and close a bunch of random apps on my home screen for the purpose of making myself not seem like such a loser. It is at these moments where I realize that 85% of my time is spent alone, and I usually have nobody to talk to to help pass this fleeting time, and it makes me feel incredibly lonely.

I recently made a new friend in one of my classes at school. Although she can be a bit much, she is creative, talkative, different, and relatable. She recently got out of a year long abusive relationship, and since then has been bombarding herself with tons of people to talk to as a coping mechanism. Whether she had these many people to talk to before I befriended her or not, I don't know. Whenever we hang out, she is constantly on her phone. Whenever we're in school, she is constantly on her phone. Whenever she is not on her phone, she gets bombarded with notifications. It makes me feel really bad about myself when I see her on her phone all of the time. Am I not interesting enough? Am I not talkative enough? Although she does give me a sufficient amount of attention, am I being selfish if I ask for more? Am I allowed to take away someone's way of coping for my own benefit? I don't know, and I wish I didn't care. It's disheartening. I wish I had more people to talk to. If I had more people to talk to, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way. I wouldn't be sad that she doesn't give me as much attention as I crave. I wish I was better than what I am now. But changing myself is hard. I don't want to change, but I need to. ugh FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I FUCKING HATE myself i wish i could RESTART I WANNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha wtf is wrong with me i get why people don't get close to me :3