Jada's Journal

6/29/22

i don't know if i'm crushing on this girl anymore. i literally can't tell. this specific situation has never happened to me before. let me explain: i literally. fucking. cannot stop thinking about her, even when i DON'T wanna think about her, and i feel insanely strong emotions when i make up scenarios in my head that involve her, but when i talk to her and when im near her in real life i feel absolutely nothing—if that makes sense. there might be a smidge of "feelings" (i think???) here and there, but i 200% know how it feels to be IN love and i know what it feels like to have a crush, and the way i feel when im with her don't fit either criteria. im so confused and i hate it. i wish i never met this girl. i don't understand her or her actions nor her mindset not one lil bit. i don't even know if i wanna consider her a friend. my situation is just too weird for me to keep being around her, but right now i just have to deal with it... even though i don't want to. i wanna run away from my problems but i can't. at the same time, i desperately wanna talk this out with her, but i know i can't do that either. bringing up my past crush on her is too awkward (i already confessed and she told me she did not feel the same, after a few awkward ass weeks we just ended up going back to normal—not to mention i already told her that i don't have a crush on her anymore after my boss somehow found out about our situation and started annoyingly teasing me about it), not to mention that she's so flaky and usually doesn't text me back. i don't know why she's so bad at communicating. one of the best things about me is that i know how to communicate effectively, and i hate when people can't do the same for me. it makes me genuinely so angry and it is one of my biggest pet peeves. after all, how the fuck am i supposed to get to know you if you don't allow me to? i need one on one conversation. i don't only wanna talk to you in a group where you're focused on everybody else or something else. that's not selfish nor inconceivable. it's the most basic concept ever. not returning texts, calls, etc is so beyond rude, especially when you never give a reason as to why you didn't. like fuck, i LOVE when i call my online friends and they don't pick up and later they're like "sorry i was sleeping" or "sorry i just didn't feel like talking" or "my bad i was in a call with my other friend, we can call another day/another time." those are all such valid responses and i will never get offended by them, because i UNDERSTAND. i don't want 100% of your time. i just want to get to know you. how hard of a concept is that to grasp? maybe i wouldn't have such a love/hate relationship with this girl if she just talked to me like a normal person. i don't think i'm being over the top with this. communication is key when it comes to me, and it always will be. even with my ex, sure she was clingy as fuck and i had to cut it off, but we got to know each other so well to the point where i fell in love with her little quirks, her phrases, her jokes, her family dynamic, her dreams and passions, and even her problems. to this day i still miss what we had, and i won't lie about that or ever deny it. i love when people talk to me. it makes me feel not only validated, but TRUSTED. there's absolutely no trust in our relationship. i only feel like i can trust her when im vulnerable or when im in a bad mental state, but that's me towards literally everyone, because after all, when you're beaten down—you're beaten down. you will look for literally any smidge of attention when you feel deeply unloved. that's just how it is with me. i wish it wasn't that way, but it is, and i just have to work through it. i need this girl to stop taking me through hell and just be normal. and the worst part is... lmao... she doesn't even know what type of mental strain she's causing me. she's just casually living her life while im stuck trying to sort out my broken feelings for her whilst also battling an abusive household, a shit ton of bills, being the only person who acts somewhat like an adult, losing amazing ass friendships over s/o's, losing my sister and my family, medication issues, mental health issues, and trying so hard to convince myself that my future will be better than the present. but it's so hard. i hate saying i wanna die, but fuck man, if the opportunity presents itself i'll let it happen. because the way im seeing life right now, nothing is changing for me. it's been a constant downhill line and eventually i will hit rock bottom again.