Jay Halstead imagines

Panic attack - Jay Halstead

You have struggled with anxiety ever since you were younger. You were taking medicine, and you got it under control pretty well. But some days, the days were harder than usual. Today was one of those day. You woke up with that familiar feeling in your stomach; the vague sense of panic. It was still far away, but you could tell that today would be one of those days. You didn't say anything to Jay. You didn't want to bother him with it. You started your day like normal and tried to calm yourself down with some music.

At work, you were wrapping up a case. You finally had the suspect's location, and you were heading there.

"Chicago P.D., open up!" Jay yelled. There was no response, so he kicked in the door. You went in first and started to clear the house's first floor. Just as you wanted to say clear, someone jumped out and pointed a gun at you. Without thinking about it, you pulled the trigger. You sat down on the ground, feeling his pulse. It was faint, but it's there. You put your hands over the GSW to try and stop the bleeding.

"You okay?" Jay yelled as he came running into the room.

"I'm fine."

Jay crouched down to feel his pulse, but he shook his head. "He's DOA." He was gone. You killed him. If it were any other day, you wouldn't have any problem with it; now, you could just feel your hands shaking. The team cleared the rest of the house and found what they had been looking for.

Back at the station, you rushed into the locker room to get the blood off your hands. You were scrubbing like crazy, but it didn't seem to come off.

"Hey, you okay?" Jay looked at you through the mirror.

"Fine," you mumbled. You were too focused to get the blood off your hands.

"Alright, let me help," he said as he grabbed one of your hands and started rubbing the blood off. You looked at the blood going down in the sink. You killed a man. You killed someone. It was like it finally hit you. "I killed him," you whispered.

"What?"

"I killed him—that man. I shot him, and I didn't even think about it. I... I shot him." Your voice trembled. You grabbed the sink for extra support.

"Hey, look at me." Jay tilted your head up, so you were looking him in the eye. "He pointed a gun at you. You did what you had to do."

You shook your head. "I should've asked him to put it down. I didn't even do that. I just shot him when I saw the gun. I... shot him, Jay. Murdered him!" Your breathing started to become uneven.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Y/N, just breathe." Jay grabbed your hand. You squeezed it hard.

You tried to, but you were just gasping for air. You felt more panic by the minute. You never had it his bad before.

"I think you're having a panic attack. Come here, sit down." With one hand on your back, Jay leads you to one of the benches in the locker room. You sat down, and you could feel yourself slipping away. There was a ringing in your head that made Jay sound further away.

"I-I-I-."

"Just feel my hand. Squeeze my hand. Put your head down. Just put your head down and breathe. You're okay. You're okay. Just focus on my hand. You can do this, Y/N."

It felt like you were crushing Jay's hand.

With his other hand, Jay was rubbing circles on your back. "Just breathe," Jay kept repeating. "You're okay. Just breathe. This is not on you. You did what you had to do."

"I killed him." Tears were streaming down your face. "I killed him."

"You did what you had to do. Otherwise, he would've killed you, Y/N. He would have shot you if you didn't shoot him. This is not on you."

After a while, the ringing in your ear stopped, and your breathing returned to normal.

"You okay?" Jay asked.

You nodded your head. "I'm okay. Now it's just a migraine that is coming up," you sighed.

"I'll take you home, alright? Let me clear it with Voight. You stay here and pack your things." Jay stood up. You didn't let go of his hand. He looked at your hands and then at you.

"Thank you for being here for me," you said.

"Always, you know that."