Slow Me Down

Chapter 25

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM/INJURY

"How did you get all of those scars?" 

Foster sits up, resting his head in his hands, elbows propped up against his knees. It's been a while since he has thought about them. The ugly reminders of how broken and empty he was. It's most likely a scary thing to see. It's why he put them there, so he wouldn't have to see. He could feel all of the pain, but he wouldn't have to see and be constantly reminded of the permanence of his decisions. 

"It's kind of a long story." 

"If you are comfortable with telling it, I have the time." Foster lays back down, turning onto his side and pulling C against him. He nuzzles his face into her neck and takes a deep breath of her in to calm himself. 

"I used to be a really bad person. I still am a bad person but I recognize it now and I'm working on it. You make me want to be a good person." He takes another breath in and then out, blowing a few strands of Claudia's hair over her shoulder. "You've seen the pictures on my walls, right? All the ones of my mom, cocoa, and the one with my dad."

C nods her head, scooching closer to him, wanting as much of her body to be against his as she can. She can feel the anxiety start to creep into her stomach. Whatever he is about to say to her is probably something very difficult for him to share.

"My dad passed away when I was six. It's my fault that he ran back into that stupid street and got himself killed," Foster balls his hands up into fists, trying to keep some of the anger at bay. "For a long time after he left, I felt sad and hurt but that hurt started to turn into something empty and cold. I started losing any type of feeling other than a fading but still bitter throbbing in my chest. It's hard to explain but I hated it. I hated only feeling grief or nothing at all. I made some stupid decisions to try and get away from feeling like that."

Claudia grabs his fist and unravels his fingers, lacing hers between his, giving him a squeeze of encouragement to help him sort through his thoughts. The anxiety in her stomach replaces itself with worry.

"I made some friends who were a part of a not-so-nice crowd. We did stupid risky shit like get-yourself-killed shit. We also got into fights and sometimes those fights got ugly. I was lucky enough to get some sense knocked into me by one of the older guys and eventually, I stopped hanging out with that group. I got the scars mostly from that. Some were just me wanting to feel something, anything at all."

"What did you do after you left them? How did you fill up the time?" Claudia nibbles on her lip to bite back some of the other questions floating around in her head. 

"When I stopped that I started doing school sports. I used to be on the basketball and baseball teams. I got bored after a while so I eventually ended up quitting which is when I started to sleep around with girls. I wasn't in a good head space and when one of those girls asked me out, I turned her down because I knew I couldn't be a good boyfriend like that. I knew I didn't really have any feelings for her. Then she sort of disappeared. People were saying she left school and hurt herself. I started to feel guilty. I stopped hanging out with people after that. I found myself in the library a lot during lunch and after school to avoid people but also to avoid my mom. I knew that if I went home immediately after school every day, she would worry about my social life and stuff. I didn't want her to worry about that when she deals with so much already. Before you, I just sort of existed, going through the motions, just trying to survive high school I guess," Foster trails off.