Slow Me Down

Chapter 46

A few days pass and Claudia is released from the hospital. She still wakes up with nausea every morning, but she is still in her first trimester of pregnancy so it is to be expected. Her mom is there to pick her up and take her home. She hasn't spoken to anyone since that first day she woke up. She just holds her stomach and stares blankly ahead. 

"We're here C." Her mom pulls up to a spot directly in front of their home. C gets out of the car and follows her mom inside. "Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat?" Her mom wraps her arm around C's shoulder in a side hug, giving her daughter a gentle squeeze. C nods and shrugs her mom's arms off, not wanting to be touched. She still feels disgusted and ashamed. 

"I'll call you when the food is ready." Her mom turns towards the kitchen, and C turns towards the hallway. C opens her bedroom door. As soon as the door is open, a few sniffles escape her. Looking at her desk makes her think of when she and Foster would color or work on homework together. Her TV brings back memories of the nights they spent watching movies together. When she sits on her bed, every image of their most intimate moments flood through her mind. 

She can't stay in this room right now. It's too much. She leaves that room in search of some other place to be. She cracks open Foster's bedroom door. His bed is still freshly made from the last time he slept here. His clothes are strewn about, he isn't the neatest. A few books lay open, but face down to keep the page, on his dresser. She picks up one of them. It's filled with the gruesome imaginings of Edgar Allen Poe. After staring blankly at the pages for a while longer, she places it back onto the dresser, gently in order to keep the pages free of crinkles. 

She sits in his beat-up desk chair and leans back. Her feet don't touch the ground, they just dangle freely. She wants to be mad at him for kissing Julia, but she can't. She wants to stop having feelings for him, but she can't. She misses him. She misses his annoying smirks and his teasing. She misses the warmth she felt when she was cuddled up against him. She misses that forest smell that helped her through some rough patches. 

While lost in her thoughts of him, she snoops around his desk. She is nosey after all. Most of the drawers are filled with boring things like writing utensils, and blank paper. One drawer is full of fidget toys. 'What a dork,' she thinks to herself. In the last one of the drawers, she finds multiple letters. Some are addressed to Dawn, some are addressed to Andrew, and two are addressed to her. She decides to only read those meant for her eyes. 

Dear C, 

I know we've only known each other for half a year but I can't get you out of my head. Is that normal? I haven't had this problem with other girls before. For some reason, every time I see you, my heart skips a beat. Your long curly hair, your bright smile, the hint of sadness in those golden orbs that always shift to happiness when you see me. Being your first is the greatest honor I've ever had and I will treasure that memory forever. I haven't ever been as close to someone as I have been with you. 

You are actually the only person to ever step foot in my room for longer than 10 minutes. You are the only person that has seen me cry. I haven't told anyone else about my dad. You accepted me after you found out about my past. All those horrible things I did to others. All the scars on my body. You looked past all of that, just seeing me. You loved me when I didn't even feel like there was anything left of me to love. I will always be thankful for that, for you. 

I hope we can stay like this, watching movies, goofing off, just having fun. It's been too long since I've had fun like this. I want to experience so many other firsts with you. I know it hasn't been long, but I can feel it. You are my person. I need you in my life. Honestly, as soon as I can afford a ring, I want to marry you. I just hope I don't fuck it all up before that. It may be years before I get the confidence to love myself how you love me or before I even muster up the courage to face my past and forgive myself, but I want you to be there with me when I face those feelings. I won't be able to do it without you. 

The letter makes me look like a fucking wimp. Anyway, I love you so so much, more than the world around us. Just give me some time to get all of these feelings to you. Going from a hollow shell of a person to someone full of every emotion is a big change for me. Thank you for everything.

Foster

She finishes the first letter. After reading it, some tears escape her eyes. Her hand drifts down to her belly, just above the small creature forming inside. She has no idea how she is going to be able to do this without him. She wouldn't have been able to make it through her first day at Weller without him. She needs him. 

She doesn't think she can handle another letter like that, so she tucks it safely back into the drawer with the other letters. Just as she makes it back to her room to put the other letter away, she hears her mom calling for her to come and get some food. She sits at the table. Her mom dishes out some food and sets the steaming rectangle of nourishment in front of her. It's her veggie lasagna. C lifts her arm, cutting a small piece off of one of the corners, and brings it to her lips. She takes a bite. 

She puts the fork down and slouches over in her chair, hands over her face. Her body is shaking as she sobs. She misses him so much that it's killing her. Her mom stands behind her, rubbing her back, trying to comfort her lost child. "Do you want to visit Foster later today? I know you haven't seen him since you woke up but maybe it'll be good for you."

She listens to what her mom has to say, digesting each sound as it comes. She raises her head and then stands from her chair. She wraps her arm around her mother's torso, bringing her into a hug as she thinks about what has been proposed. She utters her first words in days. "Okay, mom." She doesn't want to continue on like this. It hurts too much. She wants to see him, even if he isn't awake yet. She needs to see him, to talk to him. So much was left unsaid. She still isn't sure what happened that night. She just knows that she needs to see him.