We Broke

t w e n t y - n i n e

MINUTE TWO

I still can't see anything.

I like the darkness, don't get me wrong.  But when you know that you can't see the light anymore?  It's a little scary.  A lot scary.  

My mind was swirling, with the thoughts of "My time is limited," and "Savor the time you have left."

But the truth was that I didn't know what I wanted to think about.  There was so much to think about that I simply didn't know what to think.  

My memories seemed like a waste of time.  The memories only brought me depressing thoughts.  Why look back in the past when there's no going back?  

It brought me back to Peter.

It was so complicated.  

That kiss, it was just so- I guess it was something that wasn't part of the instructions.  It was out of confusion.

But I loved it so much.  I felt a connection.  Something I hadn't felt in a long time.

And he was just so kind to me, most of the time.  But then I saw a different side of him.  I thought he was for the most part fixed from his trauma.  

I guess he hides behind an opaque veil, just like me.  The veil that separates heart and soul.  From our true self to our disguise.  

Julie is so... out there.

Her true self is vibrant in everything she does.  It's exactly the type of person I want to be.  She's perfect for Sam. Ever since his parents almost killed him, I know and trust that Julie has been taking good care of him.  I mean, she did for me.  Those clothes she gave are sadly gone, but the imprint of her kindness will always be gone.  Because almost no one knows she did that for me.  I only know.  And knowing that she won't be rewarded and the fact that she did that for me?  

And Sam.

Sam and I are complicated.  Maybe if my parents were murdered by his parents, we'd maybe be a couple.  Or best friends at the least.  

This is really messed up.

Just a few years ago, I was living with my parents, happily, lots of friends, home, and love.  I've expressed this long enough.

But I'm dying alone.  

I'm sure Sam's probably next to me, mourning for killing his ex-best friend, but-

It was either Julie's life or mine.  And who wouldn't chose love?  They're obviously in love.  Or at least in the "like" phase.  And killing me was the right thing to do.

If I was in that situation, I would pick me too.  

I know no one can hear me right now, but I just really wish that someone could just start eavesdropping on my thoughts.  To know what it actually feels to be me.  A mix of emotions.  

Stubbornness.  Anger.  Forgiveness.  Redemption.  Hope. 

Flashback:

2 years earlier:

I looked frantically out the window, a leg already out.  This guy that I had stolen drugs from to make some money had just snatched me from the streets.  

But he also had some windows and absolutely no guards to watch me.

He probably thought a 15 year old couldn't escape.  

I leaped out the window, smiling to myself.  I elapsed into a jog, running a little faster and faster, gaining speed after sitting still for a good hour or so. 

But soon, I got pretty tired, and I stopped at Central Park.  My favorite place.  It sure wasn't a good hideout or anything, but it was like "my place."

The place where I used to visit with my parents, the place where I went to think.  

I sat behind a bush, leaning my head in my knees, feeling my chest rise and fall.  And rise and fall again.  Another escape.  This time, it wasn't bad.  He "vowed" to make me suffer but he also just threw me into a cell- no, a room- and just locked me in with a clear glass window on the side.  

Like bro what?

I heard some commotion on the side.  I peeked my eyes over, seeing some girls my age laughing with some older boys.

I sighed.  I wished I would be with them instead of hiding out in some ratty clothes.  

I wished they would magically be thrown into my shoes and stop worrying about boys and makeup and stuff.  I was like that too.  I only cared about my appearance and boys.  But after my parents died, everything just became real to me.  I was thrown into an adult position.   A position where I had to fend for myself.  

But those girls would probably never know hardship.  They looked wealthy, happy, and healthy.  Just like how I used to be. 

I started to feel anger.  Anger for the unfairness of this world.  How a 15 year old had to worry about being captured everywhere she went just because she wanted food to eat.

--

Present:

I'm sure I won't be able to think anything or live anything in a few minutes.

That's why I'm trying to savor the time.  It's kind of hard to when that's literally all you think about.  

It's like when you practice the piano so well but at the recital, you fail everything.  

 My heart doesn't work.  

My eyes don't work.  My ears don't work.

It's like I can only think.  Which is a relief.  Who thought dying was like this?  The ability to think before you actually die.

I hope dying won't be as bad.  I was always afraid to die.  Death is something that is so joked about that when it's actually time to die, it feels so real.  So real that it's scary.  

I've left enough stuff behind for my legacy to go on.  And that's if it's actually solved.  Just because I didn't go to school doesn't mean that I don't have the smarts.  

It's only up to Peter to do this.  He's the only one who has all the keys.  The keys to solve everything that I couldn't solve.

I feel myself drifting off and on.  Maybe I'm going to die in less than six minutes.