Darkness

Chapter 6

I woke up in my room, completely consumed in darkness, telling me i had been able to sleep completely through the day. I hadn't realized that crying was so tiring. I sighed to myself and rolled over in my bed to grab the new laptop i had gotten for Christmas a couple days ago, we had spent it with Carl, moms boyfriend. I scrolled through various social media sights and found nothing interesting. I needed something to entertain me and keep my mind off of the boy next door who had now realized i was alive still. 

A jog. I need a jog. I confirmed to myself as i shifted out of my bed, a bit shocked by the cold wood but was soon comforted by my white rug. I slipped on some tennis shoes, sweats and an old shirt with a sweater over it that was thick enough to keep me warm. I grabbed my I-phone and plugged in the head phones and quickly checked the time, it read in bold print 4:36. I could take my time and think things over.

I quietly walked down stairs, careful not to wake my mom or she would have a fit even though i am 17 and it isn't like i cant take care of myself. I swiftly grabbed the spare keys from the hook and walked outside, shutting the door with care behind me. I sighed out loud feeling free and as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders knowing i didn't have to be quiet, i didn't have to hide, i didn't have to try to forget. I was free in the dark of the streets, in the quiet of the slow roads. I looked from left to right at the end of my drive way, I decided to go with the road less used, not wanting the constant interruptions of headlights blaring into my soul. I just wanted a quiet get away where it was just me and my thoughts. So i started, i jogged off, Passing Harry's house, my eyes focused on the estate getting flash backs of the memories it held.

I wanted, but then again didn't want to talk to Harry, he had left me and didn't talk to me for about two years. I cryed for a year, what did he ever do for that year? He obviously did think about me. He had just made progress, excelled, forgot, was made a-new. While i stayed behind, mourning, weeping, trying to forget the relationship, that i had lost without warning. I wasn't ready for him to go, I couldnt take on that last year of school all on my own. So that year, I Died, no i did not kill myself but i let my soul go cold, my brown eyes went dull, even my wardrobe took a hit, and with it went my full laugh and re-arranged smile. Sure is did those things but nothing felt the same as when he made me do it. He made me laugh a goofy laugh and i smiled so wide when i saw him that my gums would show and my chubby cheeks would be seen from my eyes. 

I came to the conclusion that i would speak to him but i wouldn't crumble, I cant let him off so easily. I want my friend back but what if he has changed? what if the people that surrounded him and all of the fame was bad for him? Harry can be manipulated so easily, i remember from our childhood, that when he was ten, he was at the park when a group of teenagers had taken advantage of his kindness and stolen his bike that he had gotten for his birthday that month, i laughed at the memories of Harry coming home teary eyed to his mom, not knowing that i was there waiting for him to come back. He was so embarrassed and when he didn't know where his mom was he just hugged me. 

I stopped suddenly while running. I felt it, the feeling of Harry's warm arms wrapping around my body. His tears and shaky breaths squeezed at my heart, and the memory had done just the same. I fell to my knees, in sudden realization. I had opened up a door in the back of my mind that had been forgotten, it was surrounded with darkness and had webs on the hinges, but when it opened, I broke. I screamed to the darkness in agony, sobs broke my voice and a never-ending stream of wet salty tears left my eyes. I had opened the door that had been holding my emotions. Everything that i was supposed to cry, scream, and smile at had come to me all at once in an overwhelming rage. I slowly rocked myself back and forth on the ground and just whimpered and cried, allowing myself to feel emotion for the first time in what seemed like my life, but had only been almost two years.

I gathered myself from the ground after about a good hour of crying and gasping for air when the sobs had ceased. I could feel that i looked like hell so i didn't try to hide it, i got up from the ground and began walking back to my house, i was nearly a half hour away and the sun was starting to rise, meaning it was about time my mom had already left for work and the house was empty, giving me hours to collect my thoughts and clean myself up. 

I soon had made my way home and saw that Harry's house was being clouded by paparazzi. i kept my head low not wanting to draw attention that i was his neighbor, and slowly and quietly slipped inside my house. I sighed to myself and let my limp body rest, then slide down the locked door, i bit my lip in frustration with myself, 'how could i let myself do this' i thought to myself in regards.

I was struggling, with myself, with Harry, with my mom, and my new found emotions. It was so much to take in. It was too much. I needed to let it all out, all of the things that i couldn't take and all of the things that i had to take. I missed not feeling, that hollow place was filled and i didn't like it, that feeling of being full, it was pleasant but i had no body to share it with.

"who would want to spend time with you anyway? You aren't worth their time. who wants to be stuck with a stupid, fat, life sucker" the cruel familiar voice was right. who would want to be with me. No wonder Harry stopped talking to me, it was all my fault. 

Feeling ashamed i stood up and slumped up the old stairs of my house to my black room, the only light was coming from outside my blinds, making small stripes stretch across my sheets. I laid down on my bed feeling ashamed, i didn't want to feel the terrible gut twisting feeling anymore. So i tried a shower to take my mind off of it a bit, the result was me being scalded with hot water for an hour and me meticulously scrubbing my entire body twice. I tried sleep, but with me having already slept through the entire day yesterday, it did not work. So i sat and thought of all of the different ways to make myself numb for a while. 

sleep, drugs, razor, death, alcohol

it was the least harmful thing i could do to make myself feel good. I hesitantly made my way to all of the shudders in the house and shut them. I just turned on the lights of the house to make it seem more like night, so i wouldn't feel weird being drunk at nine in the morning. I made my way to my mothers liquor cabinet and fished out the vodka from the back. She never really drank, she wouldn't miss it, i reassured myself.

I hesitantly grabbed a cup and a bottle of light soda to help give it some flavoring, the stuff by its self was way too bitter for my taste, but i needed to feel nothing again. And so i drank. The liquid burned a bit as it went down but the flavor wasn't too bad when it was combined with my soda. I turned on my television in my room and just watched family guy and drank, as i watched episode after episode, the bottle lessened in alcohol as i lessened in feelings. I was laughing mindlessly at every joke that would usually just make me frown of groan. 

By the time my mom had gotten home i had downed the entire bottle and already felt a bit sick. Sure i had drank a little and been buzzed but i had never been drunk, it felt nice but i know if i got caught i would be dead. So when i heard the front door open i turned off my light, after several fails that is, and i sloppily got into my bed and fell into a drunken coma. Even my dreams were drunk and sloppy with curves and slides and loops everywhere in them. I was feeling-less, unstable and lieing to myself that everything was OK. 

And i loved it more than reality.