Darkness

Chapter 4

7 months later

My hair was now long past my elbows, my brown eyes are now not as shiny. I had lost ten pound and my cheek bones were more prominent, i looked more like a woman. I didn't feel like one though, I still haven't kissed a boy, I have never had a relationship, accept for one boy in first grade, but after a week we broke it off. i laughed to myself quietly at the thought, i was alone in my room just thinking before i fell asleep. I have to admit, i have been feeling quite a bit forgotten, i have few people who talk to me during class, we just make small talk when we can but never really commit to full friendship. My mom and i have become a bit detached, she has had a new boyfriend for a couple months and are moving quite fast, all that they do i go out together on dates every weekend or go out for Sundays, they never ask me if i would like to join, i would. I just linger in my room now, books pile up from the library, as do empty cups and dirty laundry. My room stays a mess, it isn't like my mom ever checks on me anymore. So why even try?

It would be nice to have a friend now, but it has been months since i have had one, even though it has been a year and a half since i have had one physically here, with me. i have wisps of memories of what it was like to have one, the great, full feeling of having someone there to hear your thoughts. I miss telling harry all of my secrets, how my day went, funny stories about the people in class.

I missed him so much this year, I haven't had that good feeling of bubbly whole heart-ed laughter in months, i slowly escalated down lower and lower, down into a deep hole till i saw Red at the bottom, the voice telling me it was all my fault, that harry left me because i was the weight at the end of his ankle, sinking his swimming body to the bottom of the ocean, and now he is sky-rocketing. I cant help but agree with the voice, all of the evidence was there, i just needed to agree. 

I woke up in the morning, the lights blinding me, familiar laughter filling my ears,it was his. He was back, hope filled my heart as i peaked through my shudders to the grassy land outside to see him and his mates from the X-Factor. They were sitting on lawn chairs and relaxing in sweaters since it was winter.

"they are happy as they are, they would have come and got you if they wanted you with them. Harry is happy now, without you." The voice in my head said coldly. I sighed quietly, i sniffled a bit knowing the voice was probably right, Harry was quite obviously happy the way he was. Without me. My eyes squinted with the fresh tears falling freely from my face, i laid on my pillow and slowly listened to their laughter as the pillow beneath my head got wetter and wetter and soggier, my breaths became shaky and broken with hiccups. 

Harry says that he misses his old friends and stays in contact with all of them and visits them on break. Lies why would he lie like that! What if he just never visited me? What if it were only me?

No Harry promised me forever and always I can't give up hope on us I have to stay strong! I know he still remembers he still cares, he has to!

"But why would he? Even in school when he had the choice to be with you, he kept his distance because he didn't want to be stuck with you. You are such a peace of shit, who would want to be stuck with you anyway?" The voice in my head said loudly, making me sob louder and my head hurt, it pounded against my head as the sobbing became louder and my mouth set free whimpers.

The laughs of the boys faded as did my headache as i fell asleep again, hugging myself tight to my pillow, not wanting to face the world. I hope that when i wake up in the morning that it wont be to is melodious laughter but to silence, so the voice in my head wont have to tell me anything, so that i know by myself, that i am alone. Because hearing it for yourself is so much better than having to have it told to you, even if it is only in your head, even if your last friend isn't there, but instead in your head, taunting you everyday. As you think of what you could have everyday, and realize, it was never going to be yours.

'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.

I fall asleep every night waiting on my phone and laptop for a message or text ... It never comes so I cry almost every night cause I miss my friend... My only friend And protector. The little boy with the cracker and bright green eyes. My Harry that bought me tulips for my 13th birthday and spent the night at my house like it was nothing. The boy that I would run to on a bad day and he would chase the bully's away and hold me tight every day or night. I always will love the boy with bright green eyes and I will never forget .... Forever and always Harry....forever and always.