His Virgin Stripper

18

I came home that night and the house felt unfamiliar, like it didn't belong to me anymore.

Hindi ko binuksan ang ilaw. I let the dark swallow me whole. Hindi ko rin inalis ang bag ko sa balikat ko agad. Para bang kapag inalis ko, aaminin kong pagod na pagod na ako. At bawal akong mapagod.

All I wanted was to see my child. Just one look. One proof that he's still breathing, still safe, still mine.

But the silence was loud. Too loud.

Umupo ako sa sahig, likod sa pinto, palms pressed hard against my knees. My head was spinning, like the room was tilting and I was the only thing not allowed to fall. I already lost myself the day I pretended to be Celestine. That was the day something inside me died quietly.

Kailangan kong mabuhay. For him. For the small heartbeat that didn't ask to be part of this mess.

Pero paano?

How do you survive when every breath feels borrowed? When every step feels like you're walking on glass? Paano ako mabubuhay kung ang anak ko ay nasa panganib? Kung bawat segundo may takot na baka mawala siya dahil sa mga desisyon na hindi ko naman ginusto?

Sometimes I think about the orphanage.

Mas masaya pa ako doon. At least the pain was honest. Walang pretension. Walang mga matang nakatingin sayo na parang may utang kang buhay sa kanila. Kung hindi nila ako inampon, walang inosenteng madadamay. Wala sanang batang kailangang magdusa dahil sa mga kasinungalingan ng matatanda.

And now they expect me to just continue?

Tapusin ang pag-aaral na 'to. Smile. Perform. Absorb every lesson like I'm some machine built to obey.

Do I look like a robot? A doll you can dress up and program? Inhale the lessons, exhale perfection. Ganon ba ako sa paningin nila?

I am breaking. Slowly. Quietly. In the dark.

Pero hindi ko pwedeng ipakita.

Because if I break, who will protect my child?

So I sit there, in the dark, teaching myself how to breathe again.

My poor baby.

Elijah. He only did good to me and I repay him with this?

Sigurado akong tatanggapin niya ang anak niya. I know him. He's not weak. He's not cruel. And he's powerful enough to stand against the Cuervas. Hindi siya basta-basta matitinag.

To save my child, I only have two choices.

Finish this damn hell hole. Magpanggap hanggang matapos. Survive quietly. Protect my baby from the shadows.

Or...

Go to Elijah.

Confess everything. Place my child in his hands. Take the risk..

But trusting means surrendering control. And I don't even know if I deserve mercy.

What if he hates me?
What if he looks at me the way they do?
What if I lose him too?

Itong kwartong ito, it was hell. I wanted to escape everyday but now I had no choice but stay because they are holding my child.

Without thinking I dialled the number.

My fingers were shaking but I didn't stop. Kung magdadalawang-isip pa ako, baka hindi ko na kayanin.

It rang once.

My heart pounded so loud I thought I would drop the phone.

Twice.

He answered.

"El—"

I couldn't even say his name properly.

There was silence on the other line.

"Elijah," I finally whispered.

My throat was dry. I didn't know where to start. How do you tell a man he has a child? How do you tell him that the woman he trusted chose to disappear?

I was nervous. No, I was terrified.

"Elijah, I don't.... I..... pwede ba tayo magkita? Privately. Please I need you." Before I could end the call, he already did it before me.

My fake parents were not home yet so I took the advantage to leave.

The house was quiet. Wala pa ang mga pekeng magulang ko. I didn't even think twice. I grabbed my jacket and walked out.

Pagkalabas ko ng gate, sinalubong agad ako ng maliwanag na ilaw.

Headlights.

I froze.

The engine was running. Nakatapat lang sa bahay. As if it had been there for a while. As if it was waiting.

I didn't need to guess.

It was Elijah's car.

Of course it was.

He's been here. He didn't even wait for directions. Hindi na siya nagtanong kung saan. He already knew.

My chest tightened. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o tatakbo palayo.

He didn't step out. He didn't honk. He just stayed there.