where are you? | choi san

extra chapter ✧

y/n's pov

maybe san is right.
yeosang does surround himself with girls.
stop, i'm being really insecure right now.
i should go to sleep.
i really hope i see san tomorrow.

i woke up and immediately sat up.
"san, if you can hear me, please come out. i want to see you." i started tearing up.
"i'm sorry." san peered out of the bathroom.
"come here." i sat up and opened my arms.
he walked towards me and hugged me.
"i don't want to ever lose you. i really thought about it, and i realized yeosang isn't the greatest guy." i half-smiled at him.
"no, y/n. don't stop liking him because of me. if you like him, then date him." he was really shocked.
"no it's not because of you. it's because i overthink a lot." i chuckled.
"oh, okay then." san hugged me tighter.

tonight, i'm gonna tell yeosang my true feelings.
i called yeosang in hopes he picks up.
he picked up.
"what's up y/n?" yeosang asked.
"i'm sorry yeosang." i said without thinking.
"for what? y/n...what's wrong?" he got worried.
"no, no yeosang i'm fine." i chuckled. "i just wanted to say, i just want to be friends. i really thought it through now." i sighed.
"oh...okay. i'm sorry if i did anything." he sounded genuinely sad.
no, y/n, don't pity him.
"no, you did nothing wrong. it's just...not the right time right now." i feel really bad.
"we're still friends, right?" he asked.
"of course!" i chuckled.
"i'm glad. well, goodnight y/n." he said and then hung up before i could say anything.

it's been 3 months now.
i feel like my hallucinations have been getting lighter.
i only get one every 5 days now.
i even don't get extreme nightmares anymore.
but most importantly, i don't see san frequently anymore.
today is a day i get to, though.
"hi y/n!" san sat next to me at the kitchen island.
"hey san. i think my schizophrenia is going away, at least my hallucinations are." i sighed.
"aw, don't worry! you'll still have a memory of me." san smiled.
"you're right. i'm gonna be seeing a psychiatrist today." i announced.
"oh, that's good!" he was glad.
"aren't you sad? i won't be able to see you anymore." i frowned.
"don't worry. we might see each other again someday. maybe in the real world, maybe in the afterlife. but i promise i'll see you again someday." he held both of my hands.
"okay. i promise too." i smiled.

i took the bus to the psychiatrist since it was kinda awkward between yeosang and i now.
i really didn't want to stop seeing san.

"are you here to see dr. park?" the receptionist asked.
"yes, i am." i smiled.
"sign this please." she handed me a paper and pointed at the blank signature line.
i signed it and gave it back to her.
"okay, i'll let him know you're here." she took the paper.
i walked to sit down in the waiting room, but the door opened.
"y/n?" dr. park looked around the room.
"oh, hey." i walked towards him and we walked to his office.

"today, we'll be getting your yearly ct scan done." he smiled.
"alright." i sat down in the patient chair.
"change into this. i'll be back in a few." he handed me a patient gown and left.
after a few minutes, i heard a knock on the door.
"come in!" i said.
"alright, lay on the scanning table." he patted it.
i laid on it and he quickly went to the control room.
after a few seconds, he came back out.
"okay, you can sit down over here now." he told me.
i got off from the scanning table and sat down on the patient chair.
"well, the scanning looks pretty good. have you been having any hallucinations or delusions lately?" he asked.
"i've noticed that i only hallucinate every 5 days or so." i informed him.
"that's great news! i think maybe after a month all your hallucinations will be gone. schizophrenia can't be cured, but your hallucinations will!" he smiled.
"really? i'm so glad!" i was smiling like crazy.
the truth is, i'm not.
i would've never thought about this in a million years, but i want to have my hallucinations.
"well, that's it for today." he stood up and opened the door for me.
"thank you dr. park." i thanked him.
"oh stop it, it's just seonghwa." he rolled his eyes.

i got home completely anxious.
i don't want my hallucinations gone.
when i got home, i walked to the kitchen and tried to imagine san.
i did imagine him, but that was just imagination.
it didn't look as real as hallucinations.
it didn't have structure.
i fell down in shock and started crying.
"no...san..."

SUICIDE WARNING!

i ran upstairs and grabbed a gun.
yes, i had a gun.
it was my ex boyfriend's, he gave it to me.
i aimed it under my chin and closed my eyes.
i pulled the trigger and everything went black.

i could open my eyes.
this wasn't real life, no way.
i looked around and everything looked so magical.
i was laying on grass.
it looks like the forest san took me to.
"are you lost?" a guy with split black and brown hair asked me.
he held out his hand to help me get up.
i grabbed it and he helped me up.
"uhm, yeah. is this the afterlife?" i asked.
he laughed uncontrollably.
"no, this is the imaginary world. this is where all hallucinations live. someone must be hallucinating you." he explained.
"well, i killed myself and ended up here." i shrugged. "who could be hallucinating me though?"
"i can check for you." he started walking.
i followed him and he took me to this modern looking office.

"name?" he asked.
"y/n l/n." i told him.
he scrolled through all of the y/n l/n's and finally found me.
"here you are!" he clicked on me. "looks like choi san is hallucinating you."
what? that can't be.
choi san isn't real!
"san isn't real. i'm the one who hallucinated him!" i explained.
"well, i guess not. before, during, and after entering people's hallucinations we live just like normal people." he explained. "i mean, there are circumstances where people hallucinate you when you've died."
"can you check when i died?" i looked at the computer.
"you died...3 years ago, in a car accident." he read.
i tried my hardest to remember the memory.

(flashback)
"soomin are you sure you can drive? you're drunk!" my friend, yuna said.
"of courseeee!" soomin's speech slurred.
we went to a senior party and soomin drank a lot of alcohol.
we did too, but soomin was totally wasted.
"no, soomin, i'll drive." i insisted.
"no!" soomin gave me a hard punch.
that shit really hurt.
"i'm driving, bitch." she laughed.
she got into the car and i tried opening it, but it was locked.
i started walking the way to my house.
while walking, i was not paying attention on where i was walking.
i found myself walking in the middle of the road.
i heard tires behind me, but it was too late.
the last thing i saw were the frantic faces of soomin and yuna.

"oh, i remember now. i guess i was a hallucination this whole time." i sighed.
"i'm sorry about that." he pressed his lips together.
"can i get you some boba?" he asked.
"there's boba here? hell yeah i'll go!" my face lit up.
was this a date?