I woke up feeling depressed. Another great gift from having anxiety, you never know what mood your going to be in. Days like this I just want to listen to sad music and cry, it's hard to explain why I get like this because I honestly don't know myself. If I knew I wouldn't do it.
I got up and borrowed Luke's car. I know he wouldn't mind and I didn't want to wake him up. I just wanted to drive to a nice spot. I didn't tell anyone I left or where I was going.
I ended up driving to a beach. It was 6 o'clock in the morning so it was basically empty. I sat on the sand alone with my own thoughts, something that is dangerous, being with your own thoughts.
This past year has been crazy. I still don't know who I am or who I want to be. I'm 18 and I'm more lost then ever. Am I heading in the right direction? What direction was I even going in? Before I knew it tears were running down my face. I pulled my knees up and buried my head between them. I'm ruining myself by thinking too much but then again I kind of need to have some reflection time alone.
Why am I crying? Am I disappointed in myself? My life? I need advice that I can only give myself. Get it together Skylar. You have nothing to be down about. Yes you do. I practically have no blood related family still in your life, everyone has basically forgotten about me.
I can feel my phone buzz in my pocket.
Luke: Where are you? You didn't run away did you? Please I need you. Come back, I'm worried.
It was a text from him. For the first time in a while I felt like he cared. What am I talking about he always cares doesn't he? Am I having seconds thoughts? No Skylar you love him.
Me: I'm okay, I just wanted to explore. I'm at the beach near the that restaurant we went that day.
Luke:I'm going to join you with breakfast, see you soon xx
Me: okay but I took your car.
Luke: I see that, haha. It's okay look behind you xx
There he was standing right behind me.
"I followed you" he sits beside me handing me a hot chocolate.
"Why?" I take a sip.
"I wanted to know that you're okay" he smiles. "Are you okay?"
"To be honest not really and I don't know why either. I just woke up like this."
"Yeah I get what you mean. You know what's strange?"
"What?"
"That if you break your arm everyone will come forward to sign your cast but if you say you have anxiety or depression they run the other way, and you know what? We both stayed together Skylar so I can't see why we can't stay together now. You can come with me every step of the way" he hugs me tight.
"I know Luke but there is going to be screaming girls all over you"
"Yeah maybe but you'll be the only one on my mind Skylar." He gives me an honest look. "Other guys look at you too you know but instead of getting jealous I just think to myself yeah she's mine so go away"
I need to have Luke's attitude. He is so calm about everything. It's incredible.
****
It's been 3 weeks and I was getting pretty excited for what's ahead.
"I'm going to get a tattoo, I'm drunk and I want one" Calum speaks up.
"Me to actually" I say.
Fuck it. You know.
Calum and I go alone. Everyone else seemed to have fallen asleep. We had a small gathering and we're just mucking around before their tour starts.
"Have you decided on what you want Skylar?" We walk in to tattoo pallor.
"Yeah, buts it's a surprise. So go get yours and we will see each other later." I laugh.
I walk into a small room that reeked of cigarette smoke which made me gag a little.
"What would you like mam?" The tattooists smiles.
----------
"Why'd you get that?" Calum laughs pointing to my wrist.
"Because the word 'Calm' has all your boys first letters of your names. 'C' for you, 'A' for Ashton, 'L' for Luke and 'M' for Michael." I explain.
"That's cute" he laughs. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure anything"
"This is really hard for me to say but do you think you could break up with Riley for me? I don't think it's going to be easy going on tour knowing that someone back home is missing me, and like Michael is feeling the same way about Jess too"
"No Calum, you need to do it yourself and you don't think she's worth keeping? And please don't tell me Michael is breaking up with Jess that can't happen" I ramble on.
"Well it's just going to be so hard. And yeah we've all been talking"
"Even about me?" My eyes start to water.
"I'm sorry Skylar but yeah."
"I thought I was coming with though"
"I'd hate to be the one to tell you but obviously Luke hasn't told you our manger doesn't want anyone to come with"
There's no point of hiding it now, I was crying loudly. "You could of told me that before I got a fucking tattoo! Pull over fuck you!" I'm hurt and so mad at Luke for not telling me himself. I don't get how one minute we could be so fine and the next it felt like we're falling apart. It seems our relationship is just fraying like a cheap ribbon. How is this possible? I love him more than anything.
"Calum pull the car over now!" I yell
"No we can talk about this. The tour is only for a few months" Calum has a sorry tone in his voice.
"A few months will turn is year Cal, you know that. No please I need to be alone, I'll just walk the rest of the way"
He pulls over without saying another word. We were only a few more streets away from home.
Tears are still running down my cheeks. I hate this, being so broken down. It's the worst, you try so hard to become happy and then in a matter of minutes you're back to where you started. Right now as much as I love Luke I wish I never came here. This has brought me just as much pain as what being back in Brisbane did. Is it normal to get this way?
It's like 2 o'clock in the morning I'm still a little drunk and honestly Calum shouldn't of let me out of the car. But being the bitch I am I had to yell.
What if this pain I feel doesn't go away. But then again I have came so far from the little girl I used to be. And look at Luke I see him as a sign of hope. Yes you can recover from your pain and fears. So I just answered my own question.
So if Luke and I break up where am o meant to go? I can't stay here there's way to many memories. I really can't go back home, maybe I'll just have to move over seas. Maybe move to Melbourne, but then again I'm more than likely to run into Luke while he is on tour and I wouldn't be able to hold back anything.
Am I about to get left behind and forgotten, because if I am I may as well not bother trying to be okay.
I reach the front door opening it slowly. I hear Calum and Luke yelling, what was I doing. I don't want to ruin their friendship or their band.
"Skylar!" Luke runs and hugs me also leaving short soft kisses on my cheek. "I'm so glad you're okay"
"Truth is I'm not okay Luke, physically yeah, emotionally, no. As much as I am proud of you and call me selfish but I need you to be with Luke! Why can't that just happen?" I push him away.
"I don't want to choose between you and the band so please don't make me do that"
"I'm not! So I'll just make this easy and just leave, that's want you want isn't it? Throw away everything for what? Fame? I have a life too and a dream and they both were with you Luke this is why it is so much harder for me than you!"
"You think that this isn't hard for me too? And it's not the fame I want I really love being on stage and making other people happy. It doesn't have to be like this, I love you so much Skylar"
We were both crying.
"Look where we are Luke, love obviously isn't enough, just forget about me and continue on with your life"
"The thing Is can't forget about you, you've played such a big part in my life, I can't just let you go"
"Then what were you planning on doing?"
"I don't know, this is all just one big mess"
"Well here I'll clean it for you" I go up stairs pack a bag and walk out the door. I was emotionless. Why did I just do that? Walk out on the only thing I've ever loved.
"Wait Skylar please don't go!" Luke calls out.
I pause. I didn't think he would come after me.
"You don't have to leave babe, ever. I love you way to fucking much to see you leave my life, what has happened to the happy couple, we are meant to be forever, we nearly got married for gods sake." He stands in front of me.
"We're to young to know about forever Luke."
"No we're not, we know about forever because we're young"
"Yeah will I guess our forever was cut short"
I know that in the long run if we stay together it would just end back up like this. This isn't what I want but it's for him, it's the best thing. He doesn't have to miss me or try to call me when he doesn't have the time.
"Just remember I'll always love you Luke, and maybe someday we will meet again and pick up where we left off but right now it's better this way" I leave a small kiss on his lips for the last time. I'll miss the taste the feel and the passion in his kisses. I'll miss him all together. "Goodbye Luke" I take one last look at him, I see his hurt and pain just like he could probably see mine. I stared into his blue eyes and practically broke down inside, I gave him a sweet smile and started walking.
"I'll never forget you Skylar! I'll never stop loving you" he grabs my hand and kisses me even though I have so many tears running down my face.
He was making this so much harder to leave. I pulled away leaving me breathless. And mouthed "I love you".
