Addiction: A Jemi Story

Chapter 33: Recreating

Demi's POV

I lie awake at night thinking of what had happened today, I can't help but chuckle. That girl Camilla was such an idiot, how could he have dated a girl like her? Well I can actually see why, she was very beautiful. I wish I could look somewhat like her, to tell you the truth. I look over at Joe and see him breathing softly, his hand is laying gently on my arm. I smile and lean in gently not to wake him, but kiss his forehead softly. Then I lay back down against my soft pillow, the room is dark since we are in the basement. No windows, it makes me uncomfortable. A slight headache is forming in my head, its hurting a lot already. I get up softly trying not to wake Joe, then try to find my way to the door. Its difficult but I eventually get there without sight, I close the door quietly behind me and start to make my way up the stairs trying to avoid any creaking in the steps. When I'm up on the main floor, I tip toe to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water and then walk out the front door to the front porch. There's an old wooden rocking chair beside me, so I take a seat. I just really need some fresh air right now, that usually helps me when I can't sleep. The wind is soft but a bit chilling, I wish I brought a blanket up with me. I look out onto the street and see the other houses, all dark with no life. The only light is coming from the moon which is full tonight, it really is a sight. When i'm finished with my glass, I set it down on the ground next to me. I look down at my wrists and see that my scars are almost healed up, I shiver at the thought. Why is it that every time I actually feel happy, I still want to do it? They remind me of why I did it in the first place making me sad, why do I have to feel this way? Specially now of all times? I am for sure not going to sleep now, my mind is just gonna keep me awake with negativity. What I would do right now to get my hands on a razor or pair of scissors...

Stop.

I can't think this way anymore, I need to stay strong for Joe. At least I don't have a mirror right now, it would just make this situation worse. I have been strong for a while now and I don't want to break that streak. No matter how hard I try though, these thoughts will always linger back to me. I hold my head in frustration because my headache starts to feel worse, I feel horrible right now. My head is pounding, I can feel and hear it. Suddenly my body does not listen to my conscious as I get up from the chair and walk back inside silently. I tip toe towards the bathroom hoping that I wont wake anyone, I then close the bathroom door behind me and lock it. I start to go through the few drawers looking for anything that will do, the first drawer only has soaps and towels. The second drawer holds what I need, I take the small shaving razor that luckily is in a package untouched. I feel lucky that Joe's grandpa had this in here, exactly what I need too. I grab a towel in the other drawer and take the razor out of the package and stare at it.  

What am I doing? 

Joe'a grandpa and mom are on the same floor as me, and Joe is right downstairs. Can I really do this? Now? I look in the mirror and see the horrible sight I am, my eyes are red from the tears that are still streaming down my face. My eyes linger back to the razor in my hand for a moment of seconds, I then take a towel out of the drawer and shove it in my mouth and bite down on it. I then sit on the toilet and start to recreate the old cuts.  

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I walked back down the stairs seeing the clock on the microwave that says its three in the morning. I had been in the bathroom for half an hour, hopefully I can get back in bed without Joe waking. I rub the bandage on my wrist making the cuts sting, I'm lucky there was a first aid kit in the bathroom as well. I mean, if I wasn't meant to do what I did, then why was everything I needed in that bathroom? I had made sure that everything was back to the way it was before in the bathroom, well except for the towel and razor, I threw them in the trash can outside so no one would find them and see the dried blood. When I open the door to our room, I see that everything is the way I left it. Everything very dark and Joe laying peacefully on the bed snoring slightly. I walk over to the drawer and grab one of my sweatshirts so I can hide the bandage. I was going to have to try everything in me to keep it covered, I do not want Joe to see this. He would freak and get angry, I had promised him that I would try everything in me to stop. I knew I had the control to not do it tonight, but I wanted to so badly. I then lay on the bed trying so hard not to wake him, he stirs a little but luckily doesn't wake. I stare at his face intently seeing the innocence in him, it makes me smile. Why did I do it? I hate myself now.  

" I'm so sorry. " I say to him knowing he won't hear, that's when another tear drops tonight.

Joe's POV

I stir and start to wake, when I feel around the bed for that warm touch I usually receive, nothing is there. I open my eyes to see that I'm the only one in the bed, wheres Demi? I look around the room and see little light coming from under the door. I get up and throw my legs over the bed side, then walk my way to the door. I open it and see that light is coming from upstairs, I look at my watch and see that it's six in the morning, my grandpa usually gets up at this time, but why would Demi be up to? I walk up the creaky steps and see everyone in the living room, they are all watching the news on the tv. It's a daily routine for my grandpa, but why is Demi and my mom watching too? 

Demi looks over at me and the corners of her mouth slightly lift, she then gets up from the couch and walks over to me hugging me when she gets to me. I smile and hug her back, smelling the sweet sent of her beautiful hair.  

" What are you doing up so early? " I asked confused, she looked really tired. 

" I couldn't sleep that well, and these guys were up so I decided to join them. " she says giving me a weak smile, I wonder how much sleep she had gotten.  

" Oh, cool. " I say taking her hand and leading her back to the couch, I sit down first then pull her into my lap throwing a near by blanket on top of us. She's wearing a sweatshirt, which in my opinion, is hot on her. I like how shes comfortable with me now.

" Good morning Joseph. " my moms says smiling taking a sip of her coffee, she's sitting right beside us as my grandpa sits in his big boy chair.  

" Morning. " I say smiling back, I then look at Demi who is laying her head against my chest, she seems so small and fragile in my arms. All I want to do is protect her, she snuggles into me more making me smile and holding onto her tighter. She's slightly shaking so I pull the blanket more on top of her hoping to help if she's cold. We then watch the news all together for a little while longer, my mom luckily gets up and starts to make breakfast. I was hungry and bored of the news, Demi had fallen asleep in my arms making me smile. I'm glad she's finally getting some sleep, I wonder what had kept her up last night. When breakfast was ready, I kissed her nose and it woke her. She smiled when she saw me, we all then ate breakfast at the table. It was delicious, I love omelets. When we were finished, Demi and I went back downstairs to hang for a while. When I closed the door behind me, I sat on the bed with Demi. 

" Why couldn't you sleep? " I ask still curious, usually she loves to sleep. She just shrugged and looked down at the floor, I grabbed her hand which made her look up at me.  

" Everything ok? " I ask just making sure, I hope nothing's upsetting her. I wonder what it would be, I thought we were having fun here together.  

" Yeah. " she says with an obvious fake smile, she looks like she doesn't want to be pushed into further conversation so I just remind myself to bring it up later. I lean down and kiss her happy that shes here with me.