The Suicide Checklist

Chapter 20 - Forever

As soon as Olivia was released from the hospital we went out to dinner. We laughed and shared stories of each other's journey to the gates of death. She told me how Nameless Girlfriend #237, A.K.A. Lauren found her lying in her blood and drove her to the hospital rather than call an ambulance, something Olivia recalls thinking was an odd choice even in her distressed state. We opened up about just how much Mom and Dad's split really affected us. We laid out goals and declared intentions never to let anything stand between us and, if we felt ourselves being sucked back into the whirlpool of angst, we'd talk to each other.

I told her about the weird journey I'd been on with Jared.

"You let a suicidal boy go off on his own?"

"Don't chastise me for it. There's nothing I could've done to stop him. During the trip, I'd wake up several times to find him missing. Even if I stuck by him, eventually, he'd find a way to sneak off and kill himself. There was nothing I could do." I clutched my knife and fork with simmering resentment. I knew we'd wind up in a fight eventually. Instead of retaliating, Olivia leaned over the table and patted my head. "You didn't do anything wrong, kiddo. I'm just sorry you had to deal with that..."

She still wasn't mad at me? I felt my face tense. My vision grew blurry. "No!" I slapped my utensils on the table. "I don't deserve your love." My eyes blurred again with tears. "I can't just get away with hurting people." Tears began trickling over. Olivia grabbed my hands across the table. Her scars clearly visible. She didn't seem to take notice, or, if she did, she didn't care. "Hey. It's not your fault, okay? You're a good kid." I stared back expressionlessly at her. I didn't sniffle. There were no sobbing spasms. Tears just streamed down my face with no resistance. "Jared's life wasn't your's to control. You didn't make me do what I did. You did what you did because you're hurt too. How could I hold that against you? I don't wanna fight with you. I just want you to stop hurting." I didn't mention my fear of getting in a fight. But as usual, Olivia could read me easy. "You don't have anything to fear. There is no past left to haunt you. Let's focus on the future... Together." She looked straight into my eyes. It hurt to look into hers. Like daggers made of pure light incinerating all darkness within me. I sighed.

"Then, tomorrow, there's something I want to do." Olivia nodded and we went back to eating and sharing more stories. My tears withered dry soon after.

Once we finished, we walked out, passing all these people, and I realized I couldn't remember if a single one in there had looked at us.

It was January 1st, and I was still alive. Olivia and I were driving in her car which she told me I could use anytime now that I was a car orphan. As usual, her turn-of-the-millennium music was playing softly. Otherwise we sat in silence. There wasn't much left to say, I thought. She knew exactly how I felt, and I was fine with silence if it was with Olivia. Usually the quiet stirs up feelings of vulnerability so I just start talking in apprehension. But there was nothing left to hide.

As the song came to its end, a thought entered my mind. It felt like it wasn't even mine. Like somebody somewhere sent my mind an email thought. I grabbed her phone. "Can I put on a song," I asked.

"Please," Olivia said, eyes fixed on the road.

I searched for the song and hit play. This method of playing music reminded me how much better it was than relying on burned copies on a CD. Immediately, the electric thumping of Julian Casablancas' 11th Dimension vibrated the entire car. This was it, huh? This was the song Jared liked so much. It was catchy, but its lyrics mystified me at first. Then Olivia chimed in.

"Sometimes you have to run through the grit, the grime and all the muck just to realize what you wanted was in you all along." She sounded eerily like Jared. That's exactly something he would do, just make cryptic proclamations out of the blue. So I just nodded as Julian just kept singing.