The Suicide Checklist

Chapter 16 - The 12th Dimension

Time blurred past. Our travelling felt like one unified blear. An indistinguishable riptide of happening. After trudging along all night, blisters gnawing at my ankles, we made it to Savannah Airport. Thankfully, Savannah was on the way to what was our original destination, Jekyll Island.

"We'll throw away our stop in Georgia," I began as Jared and I wandered through the airport. "We lost the battle, but not the war. Now, if we doubletime it, we can get in one more stop before our last stand."

Our trek was tiring for sure, but it was strangely invigorating. Is that even possible? I didn't know. I couldn't read my own signals well at all. But I did feel further emboldened in my passion and my defiant purpose fortified. I couldn't say the same for Jared. At least not by looking at him. He seemed increasingly unwell. This only enraged me more. I had to hurt the Universe for giving me this boy, this gift only for it to hurl us on opposite sides of an emotional ravine, taunting us, as if it were saying, "Try surmounting this." I had to maim it for doing that to not just Jared, but to everyone I felt any shred of attachment. And double-suicide was the only way I knew how. We'd be forever bonded in annihilation. Even if they're in conflict with each other, both Jared and my Way would be satisfied with this one action.

Odd how the same act under different intentions completely transforms it. With the simple move of labelling it 'art', a urinal transforms into a masterpiece. Or at least so Marcel Duchamp believed. Again with the art references. I felt stunning clarity and focus with respect to my purpose, but my inner ecosystem was now vastly hidden from me. The walled-off inner me was reticent to inform me why she was strangely fixated with art.

As I scanned the airport for some place to buy tickets, I felt like I was racing against a timer. The pressure mounting. The Ravine's presence loomed over every action, every sight. As if the Universe knew of my rebellion. And it couldn't stand it. The Ravine was closed now, but I could feel it trembling. One slight change in weather or any other arbitrary occurrence and it might rip right open.

Eventually I found the ticket counter. While depleting my reserve of money on a flight back to Los Angeles, I couldn't retain anything the woman at the front desk was rambling about. I was being swept up by my resentful rage. My divine purpose clouded my ability to properly interact with this world as if my brain had no room for anything other than the Goal. Everything else was illusion. Somehow I managed to obtain two tickets. Is this what it felt like to wake up from a night of blackout drinking and discover something you have no recollection of obtaining?

"Sorry I don't have enough money for my own ticket," Jared muttered as we walked through security.

Jared. Yes. He existed too. Of course he did. I was too deep in my mind, so I decided to tether myself back into this realm by focusing on Jared. My anchor in the storm. Hyperfocusing on him, I started to feel a tranquility. Like the relief of a runner crossing the finish line of a long marathon. I barely knew him a few days and yet almost no one else meant as much to me as he did. No one except for...

Olivia.

The ghost that kept haunting me. My own private poltergeist. With that one thought I felt myself being dragged back into the raging ocean. She was the only thorn in the garden of clarity, the lone dark fly in the alabaster ointment. I guess naturally occurring closure doesn't exist. Not for my parents and me, not for Oliva and me. You have to force it. By double-suicide.

Suddenly, a shrill chill split right down my body. I immediately felt a wave of fear pummel me, dragging me down beneath the surf. A vicious uproar of repulsion overwhelmed and choked me. As if my throat was clenched by the clammy grip of Death. I struggled to crick my neck down to see it. When I did, the sensation was gone. Instead, a human hand rested on my shoulder. I slid through a succession of quick glances in every direction, taking in my environment. I couldn't tell how much time had passed, but it was clearly enough for me to get through security, wait around and even board the airplane. I was back in reality. Snapped back into conciousness.