The Suicide Checklist

Chapter 5 - People Watching... At Night.

"See that guy across the street there," I said pointing to some schmuck trudging down a grime-stained sidewalk.

"Umm, sure," Jared offered in response.

"Noo, no 'sure.' This challenge mandates absolute certainty."

"But there is no such thing in life."

"This is no time for philosophy, Jared. Do you or do you not see that man?"

"Uhh, uh-YES!"

"Good. Whadda you think of him?"

"I, uh, I don't know—

"Quick! He's walking away—

"I-I... I'm not sure. He's a, he's a man, a-a human being..."

The man rounded a corner and disappeared.

"Dammit, Jared! He's gone."

"I thought I was supposed to make you laugh," he bemoaned.

"You are. Have you never people watched before?"

"Uhh, yeah, like, maybe in the past."

"Good. Then, you know how fun it can be. Just look around at these street urchins scurrying around town in the dead of night and come up with funny perspectives on them. Here's an example. That guy over there, you see him?"

"Yes," Jared said, looking the completely wrong direction.

"No, not there. Here," I instructed. "You can't see anything behind those sunglasses."

"I know, but I gotta keep wearing them."

I sighed deeply. "Jared, I don't think you'll be coming with me on this trip."

"No, no! This is the trip of my lifetime!"

"Then focus, Jared."

"Okay," he said. I felt like Mr. Miyagi instructing Daniel. It was a pretty good feeling. I enjoyed how our dynamic was shaping up. Clearly, I was in charge in this relationship. It's not as if I liked bossing people around, I just liked the fact that every interaction with Jared distracted me from the crushing futility of life. Like a new parent realizing they must live for someone other than themselves. I wondered how long this feeling would last before the chasm between us opened wide just like it had with everyone else.

"So, that guy there," I said pointing to a man across the road trodding along in Doc Martins, a t-shirt with sleeves cut off, a shaved head, wire frame glasses, a thousand different tattoos, and ear gauges. He looks like a Linkin Park album came to life, yes?"

Jared did not laugh.

"Hmm..." I groaned. "You don't think so? Okay. What about that lady." I pointed to some woman a ways away. "What do you think she looks like?"

Jared took a deep breath. "Well," he said. "Umm." The way he said 'umm' was too intentional. As if it were a real word with actual meaning. "She looks like a Tawainese Ronald McDonald."

"What," I said, laughing. "First of all, she's black and she's wearing a suit."

"Yeah. Perception. Life is all about perception. Truth is subjective."

"Apparently. I feel like I'm in a kaleidoscope world. Taiwanese Ronald McDonald, huh..."

"I mean, can't you see that?"

"No. Not at all."

"But I made ya laugh, huh?" A smile struck his face as he comically wagged his finger again. He seemed very pleased with his performance. Like he was more proud of his success than my laughter itself. Like a little kid who picked last for a game of kickball who, miraculously, hits a homerun.

"That doesn't count, though," I stated.

"Awww..." His shoulders sank.

"It was so absurd. She looked absolutely nothing like that. Besides, I need to know if that was a fluke or not. Try again. What about that dude down there?" I pointed down the road. I never realized before how many people were out at night.

Now, for some reason, Jared banged against my elbow, then up my forearm with his index fingers like he was a drummer before looking at the guy. Just tapping them for maybe a second. Very odd behavior.

"What the hell was that," I asked.

"I had to prepare," he said as he shot his gaze in the exact direction I pointed. He said it like it made total sense too. I guess I forgot I was dealing with a weirdo. He rubbed his chin and went "Hmmm..." like he was thinking really deep.

I felt bad making him try again, but I was actually having fun. I liked watching him and his weird manerisms. He was certainly no threat, I could probably beat him up if I wanted. But there was no need for that. He was just a cartoon character come to life. For all the amusement he brought, I still didn't want him to tag along. So, this time, I was gonna bite my tongue no matter how funny he was.

"I don't know," he said. "I don't think this guy's got anything on him. He looks cleaner than post rehab Robert Downey Jr. With those headphones, he looks a music-loving Tom Hiddleston. Tom Fiddleston."

That man looked absolutely nothing like anything he just said. He wasn't even wearing headphones. I wondered if Jared was playing games with me or if those sunglasses really did get in the way. Although his comparisons were kinda funny, I was so distracted by the fact that that man looked nothing like the character Jared was constructing that I didn't laugh.

"Well," I said walking back to my car. "We've been at this for a little bit, and I think it's time I gave my car another shot." I took a deep, controlled breath as I opened the car door, sending a silent prayer, a mental message in a bottle into the void. Please work.

"People say the sky's the limit, but I don't think they've heard of overcast," Jared concluded as I sat in my car, getting my keys. "Anyway, fair's fair. I appreciate the opportunity and I hope you have a good trip." He didn't even suspect I was about to cheat and bite my tongue. What a good guy. I turned the keys in the ignition switch and heard the beautiful pur of a gas-powered engine flawlessly starting up. Maybe Jared's absurd ideations and wild characters put my car in a good enough mood to work.

I rolled down the window and called out from my cozy, metal-encased throne. "Is someone gonna come pick you up?"

"Mmm... Yeah," he confirmed while standing there awkwardly. He stared off in the wrong direction yet again. Something was going on here. I kept the car in park, got out and ran up to him.

"Hey," I said.

"Yeah?"

Then I flipped him off. My middle was inches away from his face.

"What is it," he asked, completely unaware of my gesture that, for some reason, people found offensive.

"Now it all makes sense. Everything," I muttered. "No wonder you're terrible at people watching."

"Aww," he exclaimed as I lowered my finger and walked back to my car. "I don't get it. What just happened?"

"You wouldn't know 'cause you're blind," I shouted from back inside the driver's seat.

Jared just stared down at the ground, looking really dejected and once again like a lost baby duck. I've never been blind. It must be hard.

I wanted to keep asking questions, but I didn't wanna turn off my car and risk another one of its mood swings again. So instead I just stared at him. Alone in the dark. An even darker dark than I was currently experiencing. In several hours it'd be light. But not for Jared.

"Okay," I agreed.

"What?" He asked, still staring down at the ground he couldn't see.

"You can come with."