It feels as though
I'm floating on my back
In a thick, black sea.
The waves cradle me.
They seem alive at times,
Perhaps an extension of myself,
My thoughts.
My mind remains at ease
And it's mirrored in the stillness of the water.
The horizon is perfectly straight
And the world is made of nothing
But deep blues.
On days that the voices in my head
Become relentless,
The waves rise like beasts awoken,
Like mountains collapsing on me.
Beating down
Over and over again.
Somehow never being given the respite
Of drowning.
Regardless of the mood of the ocean,
My gaze remains fixated on the sky.
Watching the sun rise and fall.
The clouds pass by,
Some briskly walking across like businessmen.
Watching others feels like watching spilled paint flow across the floor.
The stars follow the sun,
Moving slowly across the sky,
The mourners whispering their condolences.
The moon accompanies them sometimes.
Glaring down almost accusingly,
Pityingly.
"What of the promises you made to me?"
I have no answer.
The waves continue to cradle me.
And in my ears
Rings the echo of the water.
I feel as though
I belong nowhere
And to no one.
I know that, ironically
I wanted this independence.
At some point even,
Desired it so intensely.
Now I am just crushingly alone.
Or it feels that way.
There are soft, faint threads
Tied on my limbs.
On some days I see them more clearly
On others I'm too focused on staying afloat
Amidst roaring waves,
To remember them.
Even when they are most visible
Their translucency makes me doubt their strength.
I know they are tied to others,
Who float in this ocean with me.
I've pulled on some threads
Reached the other end,
And realized these ties were severed
Or the people drowned.
I've poured my energy into pulling at a particular one
For days on end.
The line getting thicker.
I found individuals I could trust on the other ends.
People who made this vast empty ocean a little bit easier to deal with.
Some bring with them pieces of drift wood
That we share,
Some have stories of storms.
Some are just good company to have.
Most days I'm alone.
And those memories are the only thing
That keeps me from freezing over.
