My heart seems weak.
Your words sting every once in a while still.
And there's no one to ask
If that's normal,
Or if the feeling of dread ever really leaves.
The sound of your laughter cuts through
The negative pressure in my chest.
Some cavity between my stomach and my lungs,
Seems temporarily warmed
By your whole hearted laughter.
It startled me at first.
The sound it
Made images flash across my mind.
The bad place
With velvet curtains,
And clouded breath.
Old songs hummed softly,
As she shuffles a deck of cards.
My heart preoccupied by woes of young love
And theirs by worries that were yet to colour my life.
The bad place where I laid on concrete
To watch the sunset every day.
And tried to ward off the feelings of homesickness.
It was where my clothes no longer fit me
And I was carving pieces of my new heart.
I feel like I'm stumbling blindly,
Like a newborn foal.
So uncertain,
So afraid.
There's moments when the fear grips my heart like a vice
And nothing else exists
Beyond this dread.
But then there are my people.
I turn to them
And I'm filled.
Filled with so much emotion.
I'm sorry that I cast you aside at the first sign of false hope.
I'm so thankful for every time
You pulled me back from the edge.
The love they give surrounding me.
I'm in a bubble in space
And nothing can hurt me.
Even if something does
Someone will catch me.
That hope,
That faith
Means more than I can put down.
I made this heart of mine
It will never be the same
But nothing ever is.
The ink on my hand now
Will never form the same images it did years ago.
My hand will never fit into theirs again.
But there's new pictures on my skin
And your hand in mine all I need at this moment.
Courage is the blue black stars on the inside of my wrist.
Courage is in the cards and notes pined up on the wall.
Courage is in the way you squeeze my shoulder when you know I'm tense.
Courage is all I need.
Baby steps,
Like the foal.
The world is so big and bright.
And I'm scared.
But baby steps will be
A curious, conscious march.
Headfirst into the unknown.
I have courage.
I have love.
I have faith in that love.
I have faith in myself,
That this heart I made is stronger than it seems.
