I can't remember where
I got the notion that being loved
Meant being at ease.
Being saturated with affection is supposed to feel like a pleasantly full belly.
It feels like fiction.
Love is bordered
With fear.
Atleast it is for me.
To love and be loved
Feels like giving up something.
Like leaving my neck bare
And guiding the blade against my skin.
It's a house of cards
Built on the deck of a ship
In the middle of a storm
Waiting for it's inevitable collapse.
It's surrender.
And I don't want to lose.
It's a chance isn't it?
Taking a leap of faith.
It could all go so horribly wrong
And for a while preparations for the worst
Felt like a sweet comfort.
And I forgot what love is supposed to be.
The wind blows
And it all comes crashing down.
I've come to realize that no matter what
It will end.
Love falters.
It always will.
I think the whole point
Of this elaborate charade,
Is to put everything back together.
Again
And again
And again.
The point-
If there is one-
Is that despite the futile efforts to create
An impermeable wall,
We will not stop trying.
I love you.
I look at you and I see that.
I know you're coloured with the love
Of people so much more important to you.
I look in you eyes and I am deeply afraid.
I am afraid of all that you bring out in me.
Afraid that you will not like what you see.
But I will not hesitate to tell you.
You've stood by me,
At my worst,
At my best.
I trust you so deeply it terrifies me,
But I will continue to.
I will hold your hands as long as you'll let me.
I will hold your secrets and your worries
And guard them like a dragon with his treasure.
I am handing you your blade
And kneeling on lilacs before you.
I want nothing more than to love you in peace.
I have spent a lifetime running,
A coward with my tail between my legs.
If loving and being loved is to rest,
I wish to rest with none other than you.
