The sunlight wraps you in a halo.
The texts on my screen
Bringing out lilac hearts.
The half eaten food between us
And you're lost in the warmth of this moment.
You sit across from me,
The air is bright around us
And the laughter is still bubbling in my chest.
Your face turns to stone.
"Are you... lonely?"
And all at once I'm sucked into darkness.
I can feel the squelching in my chest
The arrow you unknowingly shot
Struck, bull's-eye.
I.
Can't.
Breathe.
Everything feels like it's trapped behind
Molten glass.
My forearm throbs.
And I know.
I've been lonely for as long as I can remember.
It feels like a curse I've given myself.
It doesn't seem fair to tell anyone.
How do I look the ones I love in the eye,
"You're standing right beside me,
Your hand is warm and real in mine,
But my head is so loud..."
And this feeling is so tangled in me
I feel like trying to pull it out
Would only make a wreckage out of me.
How do I say
My childhood is dog-eared
By that feeling.
Alone. Alone. Alone.
How do I say that was the sound of the drums beating in the background of my life?
And that drove me to stand over porcelain,
On my tip toes because I could barely reach the tap.
The red going down the sink,
Comically bright.
I knew loneliness before I knew anything else.
The admission feels so selfish.
I had everything.
It could've been so
Perfect.
But I wasn't.
And that just feeds the monster in my mind.
Those few moments in my life-
That the blue of my heart
Blended with the yellow of love-
I treasure so dearly.
I love so hard.
But I'm scared to love harder.
They say when love leaves
You ask to leave the door open behind them.
But there's so many open doors in my heart,
My fingertips are getting frostbite from the breeze.
Your hand over my chest snaps me back to reality.
My heart beats under your fingers
And all I can feel is fear.
It's all too familiar.
A hand too close to my heart,
The threat looming over the horizon
I don't have time to move away.
You push into my chest,
Slipping through the space between my ribs
And you wrap your palms around my heart.
It's beating too hard
And it hurts
Still you hold on, gently but firmly.
I'm so terrified of resting again.
What if this loneliness is the only thing holding me together?
I'm looking in your eyes
And I want to beg.
Please don't give me respite.
It's such an unfamiliar warmth.
I'm too much of a coward to survive
If the fire goes out again.
