Beneath The Scars

Chapter 18

When I got home nothing had changed.  My room still had the black and pink theme I left two years ago . With my pictures hanging on the wall near my bed and my painting and poems stuck on the other side of the room.  The room felt different. I felt like something had changed . All these colours were giving me a different vibe. It felt dull and lifeless.  I went near my art wall and used the tip of my fingers to brush over the words. I sat on my bed thinking of everything that had happened in these two years. From the part where I was kidnapped to where I was raped and how I met Josy. Life is really funny,the older you keep getting the more you see things in a different way. It has a funny way of teaching us. One thing life has thought me is to love the people who saw me in my misery,when I was invisible to everyone . Those that stuck by my side encouraging me. Life has also thought me that to pluck a rose there are two outcomes, to either get hurt or to pluck it with ease if you are lucky.
I dug into my bag which was placed near my bed till I found the envelope given  to me by Josy. What could be in the envelope was a mystery to me. I held it tightly as I opened it up and picked out the piece of paper inside. Just as I was about to open the piece of paper my brother walked in. I quickly place the paper back in the bag and watched him approach me." Hey sis." He said "Hey" I replied. I noticed him sit by me and I shifted feeling uncomfortable. We sat there without saying anything for a while until I voiced out my thoughts. " This is awkward". I said. " You know ,I missed you. I missed your teasing, your tricks,your voice . I remember the time when you used your eye liner to draw a moustache on my face and the time you threw water on me. I got mad at you but these memories are what always came to mind when I thought of you. I know I've not been the best brother. I know most of the words I spoke to you were hurtful but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all those times I embarrassed you at school. I'm sorry for all those times you needed me and I let you down. I'm really sorry. I can no longer live with this guilt . I missed you so much."  He said . I looked into his dark orbs only to see tears in them. He was shedding tears for me. Thinking of everything he had ever done to me, what Josy told me about keeping relations and what Lydia told me about family always being the compass that guide us through the good and bad times I went closer to him and hugged him."  It's ok ." As Dave Willis once said " Family isn't defined only by the last name or by blood , it's defined by commitment and by love .  It means showing up when they need it most. It means having each other's backs. It means choosing to love each other even on those days when you are struggling to like each other. It means never giving up on each other. "  You're my brother and I will always love you. There's no need to ask for forgiveness it makes us look like strangers. I said. " Thank you , I promise to always have your back as my younger sister. We sat there and talked for a while till we were called for dinner. After dinner I went back to my room lay on the bed and took out the paper Josy gave to me.
Dearest Riley,
I believe you are curious to know what is written in this letter. This letter contains a part of my life I have hidden from you. This letter is about the things I went through after Amy's death .                                                 
After Amy's death , I was depressed and had insomnia. The days that followed just reminded me of how my carelessness had killed my daughter. Some days I could see a shadow of a baby reaching out to me and other days I would hear it cry . I was traumatized. I became a living corpse . Sometimes I refused to speak and other days I refused to eat . I was later thrown out of the house by my aunt . That was when I felt the urge to commit suicide. I roamed the streets for days  eating the leftover food people had thrown away . I was homeless and had to find a way to survive . One day I had a very severe fever. I was sure I was going to die , I was sure I was going to meet Amy . While I was laying on the street a woman passed by and told me she could help me . She took me to a fancy house and treated my fever. She put a roof over my head and listened to me narrating my problems. She told me there was a way to get rid of all my pain and that she would help me if I was ready. With images of Amy always floating in my mind and the constant pain in my chest I asked for her help. She sent me over to a man in his mid-30s and asked him for her regular. I was confused . What could it be that she would take regularly? He placed a bag in her hand and she requested we go." Life is a game baby girl . On the street you have to find your means of survival. " She said to me.  When we arrived at her home she opened up the bag with a huge smile on her face." What could it be? " I thought . She took out the packet and placed it on the table and sniffed it ." This is so good baby girl try it you would love it ." she told me.  I was confused whether to try it or not but then I saw Amy's face and sniffed the content in the packet. It was weed. It was so strong that it made my problems subside. I was in my own world and I didn't care what people said. I felt so relaxed.  I felt happy. I began to think if this was only what one dose felt like then maybe more would stop the pain so I constantly took it for six months until the lady requested I pay for it if I needed it. I was so engrossed in it to the extent I could do anything to get that white powder near my nostril. I couldn't do without it. I needed it . I could even kill to get it . What she said was very easy. I just had to introduce people to it like she did to me. She needed people to supply it to so she can raise money to buy more since one  dose  cost more than hundred dollars . My life was at risk if I were to be caught but I needed it so bad. So far I hadn't felt guilty and I wanted it that way.  I started distributing drugs to students and others. As long as I got the money I can talk about them. There were days when she would refuse to give me the weed .  On such days I acted as though I was mad. It was my only means of survival. One evening after supplying the students with their favourite drug and was returning home I felt someone following me. I pulled out my pocket knife and faced whoever it was. It was a teenage girl she looked so scared . "What do you need ?"I asked "I need a place to stay. I'm begging of you." She said. "What's your name and how old are you? "I asked . "My name is Amelia and I'm 16 years old ." she said . "Listen Amelia life on the street is hard but you're gonna regret going with me if I let you." I told her ." I'll never regret. I promise .
I'll do anything you ask of me." She replied back . "Anything , even risking your life?" I asked. "Anything." she replied back. Follow me. I told her . I took her home that evening and had my boss explain everything to her . She promised to always stay obedient and like me she was also given a taste of her new life. Things were going out well. We made so much profit and the business was expanding with us exporting them. Amelia was made to sell them to students in need while I sold them to people of higher rank. I switched from smoking weed to injecting heroin.
Everything was going on smoothly until one day Amelia came home running telling us the cops were after us . My boss Emelia , was mad more like furious . She packed some of the goods and clothes and asked us to make a quick exit . The others were in the basement when it all happened but rushed out when they heard the gunshot. Everyone was running trying to find an escape route. I couldn't give up now. This is not the ending I wanted . I wanted to be happy and to do that I needed to run . There was another gunshot and I watched Amelia's lifeless body fall to the ground . I stood rooted to the spot I was as I saw the cops place handcuffs on me. Amelia was dead that too because of me. I introduced her to this , I caused this. I saw Amy's face and Amelia's flash before my eyes. I killed them both. At night time I would see both of them call me with Amelia crying for help . I couldn't take it and my only means of support was gone . I was in jail and was sentenced to three years in prison . This was no surprise since deep within my soul I had always expected this . The urge to take drugs became my only motive. It was all I could think about. Some days I just wanted to end my life because all I could feel was pain. During my stay there I met other drug addicts like myself who were also sent to rehabilitation. The demand for drugs decrease after a year of staying there. Slowly I started living freely without the need for weed or heroin yet I still couldn't forgive myself for what I did to those who reminded me of my mistake. A Catholic father came over one Monday morning and asked for those who wanted to give their lives to Christ. He spoke about how Christ forgives all sinners who come to him and the joy it brings  unto Christ.           " Would Christ really forgive me?" I thought . The Catholic father asked everyone who wished to be born again to say a prayer and I said mine with an open heart . As the months passed I gradually told Father Augustine everything about myself and he assured me I have been forgiven.
He came every Monday to enlighten the youth and adults about Christ's love. He is and will always be one of a kind. Due to my good conduct I was released eight months earlier. The Catholic Father sent me to his church which provided me with shelter and better education. The church helped me to forfill my dream academically to be a psychologist. They helped me a lot. I still see Amy and Amelia in my dream and I know they keep watching me . I have forgiven myself and hope they forgive me also . You know during my stay in jail I met an elderly man who told me about his life . He said , to escape being caught for stealing and doing drugs he ran away from home. He left behind his wife and his son and daughter  . His daughter might be the same age as you but his son might be a little older. He told me about the regret he felt leaving his family and not watching his children grow. He has been in jail for 11 years . He also said if time could go back and if he could change one thing in his life he would change and become a better person someone worthy of his children's love. This man taught me a lot from his life story. I learnt that harbouring pain just leaves a scar. A scar which never heals and increases with time . Your past is done and gone so forget it but remember it's lessons .  Your future will definitely come so dream about it but your present is now so live like there's no tomorrow . Letting go of the past is the only way to move further so please forgive them . Forgiving them doesn't mean forgetting it. There will always be a time when it flushes through your mind but forgiveness is the only way to move forward.
I ended the letter with tears  in my eyes . One thing I've learnt during my years on earth is that life is not always perfect. We will not always get what we want . Even though it hurts alot things that shouldn't have happened , happened . People who we never thought would leave, left . Our lives will not always turn up the way we want but  all we've got to do is let go of how we thought life should be. We've got to forgive those who wronged us because if we are waiting for them to give an apology before we forgive then that will probably take a life time .