anxious and alone |dnf|

MIA

TW: Anxiety

George's POV:

"Can you edit my video, please?" I pleaded. I hear a groan seep into my ears along with a sigh, "George I always edit your videos."

"But that's because you always make them really good, pleaseee?"

"Sorry, not this time. You're a big boy, you can do it on your own." Clay yawned. I sigh leaning into my chair, crossing my arms, and pouting even though I knew he couldn't see me. "I'll edit your next video. How about that?" I agree. "And you promise you will be there for my stream?" I ask. "Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world. I'll be there at 3 pm my time."

Though I didn't say anything about it something seemed off, Clay's mood was altered. He was normally preppy and enthusiastic but for the past couple of weeks, he's seemed less interested. Like he's fallen out of love with streaming, his passion. I worry about him. I just hope he's doing okay.

"George I'm gonna go lay down now, I'll talk to you in a little while." He says, his voice sounding raspy. "Okay," I respond. Everything about his last sentence felt wrong. I could hear the frown on his lips. I hear him mumble something before disconnecting from the call. I don't know what was said, but I heard his voice crack. His voice slightly quivering. My heart fell slow as I replayed his sad voice in my head over and over.

I reach for my phone and go to our messages, scrolling to a few months ago. His mood had changed completely over the span of days. His texts became dry and his humor was almost completely gone.

"Clay, are you alright? You've seemed different lately like something drastic happened and I'm getting worried. Your mood has been less like yours, you've been less humorous and not asking to talk as much anymore. I really want you to be happy and safe. If there's something wrong you can tell me, okay?" My thumb shakily hovered over the send button but quickly retracted. I delete the message entirely and instead play music. He probably wants some space.

I silence my phone and begin editing, fully zoning out on anything around me. This was brutal. There were so many parts that needed to be cut and subtitles added. There had to be at least an hour of material that needed to be fully transformed.

After about half an hour I shut everything off and check my phone. Clay had messaged me, 19 minutes ago. "Do you wanna facetime?" he asked. This was the first time he'd wanted to facetime in days. "Sorry! I got caught up on editing and didn't see your text until now." I reply. After a few minutes pass with no answer I text again. "We can facetime now if you want."

Read. He writes something, then deletes it. Waiting a little bit to write again. "I'm just going to go to sleep." I frown, walking into my room and sitting on my bed.

"Have a good sleep, I love you." My breath shakes quietly as I delete the last three words, sending the message. It doesn't go through. He turned off his phone.

Clay once told me how he overthinks. He explained how it was like he was sabotaging himself. Like his brain was being picked apart by his own hands. He told me how it physically made his chest feel like it was caving in and how his stomach had sharp pains. He lives alone, nobody to help him with his thoughts. He's drowning in the words he tells himself and doesn't have a lifejacket to save him.

I think that's what has been affecting him so much lately. The longer we wait the worse it gets. I want, no, need. I need to help him before he gets pulled deeper into his head, further than he can be pulled out. I don't know how to help him. He's strictly stated he doesn't want me going to Florida until he has the "dream team house". I don't know if he can last that long.  He said he doesn't want me to see his tiny house, saying it's a mess.

He was extremely sleep-deprived when he told me all of that, I haven't brought it up since. I know it embarrasses him.

I don't want to see him in pain.

<<<>>>

Hours pass, it now being 8:04 pm (3:04 pm for dre) and Clay still hadn't texted me. The stream was going to start in 11 minutes. I called him, and it went straight to voicemail. I had also texted him a few times without it going through.

Another 30 minutes go by with no response. Then an hour.

"Hey everyone, something came up so no stream today. Will try to stream soon!" I tweeted.

After another long while he responds, saying sorry over 10 times. I call him, slightly smiling at his terrible timing. Though as he answers the call my smile fades. His voice sounded broken again.

"George, I'm... I'm really sorry that I missed it. I-... I just woke up and I just, I've been having terrible sleep the past weeks. I finally got s-some decent sleep and I slept through your stream even though I promised to be there. I'm so.. I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry." He quietly choked up at the end, breathing in deeply and letting out a shuddery breath. It seemed like he was sobbing but only with his breathing.

"Clay it's okay. You're okay. Alright? I'm not mad at all. Just take a breath, please."

~

Awww this one is sad

I love this a lot actually