anxious and alone |dnf|

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TW: anxiety, drugs, lying, addiction symptoms

Dreams POV:

A week has passed and I've been feeling good. Like really good. I've been having better sleep than usual and have even streamed twice within the past few days.

I cleaned up my room and tidied the rest of my house. George and I have been on facetime almost every day, he's noticed how my mood has gone almost back to normal and tells me how proud he is of me.

"Have you taken any today?" He asks.

Yes.

"No, I've been able to push through today." I respond. "I'm so happy that you're feeling better, do you know how proud of you I am?" He says, his voice giddy.

I keep lying to him. I don't need him to know how many I'm actually taking, he'd treat me like I'm broken all over again.

My dose is 0.5 mg each, and I have been taking four every day. It's not that bad, it's not like I'm going to get addicted or anything. I take the amount that I do because taking only one doesn't last long. Taking the pill relieves all the tight nerves in my body, loosening my aching chest. It feels like I'm able to finally live freely without having to worry about the damage I cause myself. The drugs stop all of the negative feelings that run through my body, leaving room for me to breathe. I've never felt this relaxed before and I don't want it to end. So when I feel the tight feeling come back in my chest, I take more.

I'm streaming right now, playing bedwars, and talking about random things. It was just me and chat. Everything felt right, I was about to break the last bed when I quickly glance at the chat. Everyone was asking about George, asking when we will meet up.

George. Now that made my body tense. I thought everything was going well, everything was under control. My vision got blurry and I fell quiet. I try to finish the bridge I was making but I fall, dying. Everyone was confused. I'd gone fully silent and took my hands away from my keyboard.

"Is he okay?"

"DREAM WHAT'S WRONG?"

"Chat STOP!"

I look back over and blink slowly, a few tears falling over the edge. "Sorry, I zoned out." I look over to the pill bottle. There is only one left... ONLY ONE. HELP I CAN'T BREATHE.

Everything in my body froze, and I found myself unable to breathe again. Until I went from no breathing to heavy breathing. Everyone could hear. "Alright, well I am sorry everyone but I just realized I need to go out. Thank you guys for everything, love you all." My voice cracked. Fuck.

I end the stream and grab the last pill, swallowing it. I grab my keys and walk out of the house and into my car, driving to the nearest pharmacy.

"Are you able to refill this?" I ask placing the bottle on the counter. "Sure, do you want a higher, lower, or the same dosage?" The pharmacist questions. Higher.

"Higher please," I respond. My leg bounced up and down, she took note of that.

"Alright, is 1 mg okay?" My eyes light up and my heart beats faster. "Yes."

"Okay, that will be $243.86"

I pay for the drugs and thank her, she nods and hands me the newly filled bottle. The moment I close the door to my car I open the bottle and take another pill, even though I took one only 20 minutes ago. On the drive home I felt my body relax even more.

I still felt guilty. I have taken 3 mg just today, it's 5:43 pm. George would be disappointed. Knowing that I was lying to him the entire time. That's why he can never find out.

~

Sorry for the short chapter, honestly had no clue what to add near the end :/

I'm gonna be 100% transparent and tell you now that I have no clue if that's how it works with all the higher dosages and stuff including mg. I've done research so I'm just making an educated guess from there of what I think would happen <3333