anxious and alone |dnf|

end

TW: talk about suicidal thoughts, talk about addiction

George's POV:

The rehab center was larger than I expected. There were a few entrances and many windows. As I walked through the front door I was met by a sweet lady. She asked me if I was carrying any drugs or alcohol and proceeded to check my pockets, afterwards, she walked me towards a room that was labeled "visitation"

"Clay is not yet aware you are here. Please keep in mind that our goal is not to trigger him. Try not to talk about his addiction or anything that you are aware bothers him."

"Of course."

She opens the door and walks in before me, standing next to a couch. I sit down and fiddle with my finger, waiting and waiting. What's taking so long? As I look back at the woman she checks her watch, seemingly asking herself the same question. 10 minutes pass, I become restless. Right as I'm about to ask what's going on, Clay walks into the room.

I stand up staying frozen in my spot. He looks so much more lively. His skin isn't ghastly anymore, his bags under his eyes are gone and his smile is back.

He walks further into the room, hugging me. "I'm sorry." I explain

"Don't ever apologize again. I'm so fucking sorry for what I did and what I said to you. You.. you don't need to forgive me, I was awful." His voice was quiet and muffled, sobs cutting him off.

I look at his eyes and watch them move back and forth between mine. "I forgive you."

I sit back down and Clay sits on the seat across from me. My smile slowly faded. "I never intended to hurt you and all I ever wanted to do was make sure you're okay. When everything went to shit I was so scared and I didn't know what else to do, I didn't want you to go too far and..."

"George. Why are you here?" He cuts me off. "Because I wanted to make sure you're okay." I try to read his face.

"How the hell did you figure out where I am?"

"Well your mom and I-"

"You're talking to my mom?" I watch as fear and regret wash throughout his body. "Clay, I had to tell her what's been going on. You completely banished and she was fucking worried."

"You.. you told my mom?" He begins pacing. "She," he pauses, "Oh my god."

A man to the side glares at me, then looks back at Clay, worried.

Clay pulls his hair back, holding his forehead in distress. As he continues to walk back and forth I notice his breathing becomes staggered, and he's gasping for air. His grey jeans made a noise every time he moved his legs and the zippers to his sweater clanked against each other.

He pushes the door opened and leaves. I stand up and try to go after him, though, the man tells me to go home and then follows immediately after Clay.

Did he really think I would just let his mom sit there and wait for a word, anything from anything, scared out of her mind because her son disappeared from the face of the planet? He's got to be fucking kidding me. The way he hyperventilated and paced, it was like the end of the world to him. "Is that it? He just gets to leave?" I ask. The woman brings me to the exit, explaining to me that she can't give any information about Clay unless it's to a family member.

<<<>>>

After weeks of wanting answers, Clays mom explained everything to me; the hospital, the detox, and rehab. The text message was long and dreadful. I had to stop several times in between to gather myself. Clay doesn't deserve to feel like this, nobody does.

"Hey George, thank you so much for keeping me up to date with everything. And thank you for everything you've done for my boy. Who knows where and what he'd be doing right now if it weren't for you. I am sorry for the lack of communication, I've just been trying to cope with everything myself. The night you called the police on Clay he was taken to the hospital, where he was tested. He fought and yelled so they were required to cuff him to the bed. After being tested and looked at Clay underwent the detox stage. Doctors told me he suffered a lot of pain and discomfort, though he surpassed it. The detoxifying took a few days, and he was in the hospital for a total of 5 days. He refused to eat or would not be able to keep down any food, therefore being the reason he was kept longer than expected. When he got to rehab he was taken care of, he ate, went to group meetings, and even attended personal counselling. Before you went to visit him I was made aware of some concerns that his counsellor has. Clay expressed how he was scared of leaving rehab, fearing that he will end up dead. When I asked him why Clay was worried, he explained to me that Clay has been struggling with suicidal thoughts for years and that being alone triggers so many things in him that he thinks he'll either relapse, or commit suicide. I was given resources to Halfway Houses in Orlando as well as Hospitals. I went to see Clay today and he wasn't stable. He's been through so much and continues to endure more and more pain. George I understand this is hard for everyone, especially you. I am so grateful for everything and I will always be here for you. Clay and I talked and we came to a decision that it is best for him to stay in rehab another month and afterwards live in a Halfway House. He wants to restart. And in order to restart he will no longer be able to stream or make content with you or anyone else. Once he arrives at the Halfway House he is going to get a job and once he's ready, live his life. This is what is best and needed for him. You should go home George, be with your family and friends. Everything that's happened between you and Clay is heartbreaking, and I want both of you to find peace and comfort. Clay needs a fresh start. A new job, new house, new people. This isn't a goodbye George. Once he's settled into the Halfway House I will let you know, when you and Clay are ready you can decide what to do from there. I'll keep you updated, but seriously, go home until you're both healed. Once again, thank you for everything, Clay wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."

I had never sobbed this hard before. Clay deserves everything and more. I hope he finally gets the love and support he needs.

~

End.

Or is it?