anxious and alone |dnf|

i dont care

TW: addiction, withdrawal, drugs, drug use (includes buying drugs, using crushed Lorazepam, heroin, and snorting substances), anxiety, depression, self-harm

I will put a warning down when any major drug use begins, if you'd like to skip this part then you may scroll to the very end of the chapter and I will write a recap.

Dreams POV:

No matter what I'd done I still had spasms of stabbing pain that seemed to shoot up my ribcage, along with the unpleasant burning sensation that went on for hours. The last time I spoke to George was at least 3 hours ago. He didn't want me to notice, but he was crying, he sounded heartbroken. I never wanted to do that to him. I hate myself for doing that to him. He didn't deserve it. 

"I... I'm sorry G-George, I c-can't promise you t-that. I-I'm so s-sorry." Before I hung up he sounded as though he stopped breathing. Like what I had said stopped his heart. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that, what if he got panicked? What if he thought I was gone? 

I sat, still, balled up, and leaned into the corner of my dark room. Thunder rumbled my house every so often. My knees were tightly tucked against my chest while my fists were curled tightly together, nails almost piercing my palms. My eyes had been closed for a while, and my lips were slightly parted as I forgot how to breathe out of my nose. 

All of a sudden the burning pain grew larger, being ubiquitous no matter what I did. "AHH! OH- OH MY F-FUCKING GOD!" I vociferated. I felt like I was burning alive. "Stoppppp. Pleaseeeee." I sobbed loudly. How the fuck am I supposed to just wait it out?

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I un-ball my fists and open my eyes, seeing clear indents of where my nails were. I relax my legs and lay them down on the floor. I was now sitting straight up, trying to move my legs over to the side. Every time I moved I felt a fire consume another inch of my chest. "J-just fucking d-d-do it!" The energy was wasted any time I tried to talk, my voice shivered, and my bottom lip quivered. I finally stood on my knees, trying to reach up and grab something to hold onto but had nothing. I fell onto my hands, the impact hurting like hell. I crawled to my desk and slowly pulled myself up into the chair. I couldn't move very quickly, not because of the pain, but because my body wouldn't let me. 

I searched for the button to turn on my PC and turned it on, resting my head on the desk as I waited for it to set up. Tears continuously fell off my chin and into my lap. Once it was ready I partially looked up at the screen and very, very slowly typed in "Where to buy drugs"

(Warning: talks about a variety of drugs)

A whole list of DarkWeb links popped up, and I found one that was in my area. A bunch of people had been selling Cocaine, and Meth, and even Fentanyl. After scrolling for a little while my hand stopped moving, it froze. I take my other hand and try to scroll more. Finally, I find someone selling Lorazepam. He had put his number down and said that it was crushed. Who cares, I need it now.

(Warning over)

I slide out of my chair and crawl back over to my phone, turning it on and shakily dragging my thumb to the messages app. I type in his number and text him, only leaving a few spelling mistakes. "Hey, ypu still selling? I konda need some stufg rn"

He texted back almost immediately. "Yeah. I'm gonna need to meet you at your place tho, don't need you being a cop or anything." (Just a reminder I've never been involved in a drug deal so I have no clue if this is even close to accurate.) "Ok. 23 Oakwood Street SE. How fqst can you be hwre?" I didn't care about him knowing where I live. I just need something to help with the pain.