Arcane (Regulus Black)

fourteen

Today was another quidditch match for Gryffindor. So we all knew what that meant. James and Sirius were even more unlike themselves. They had to make sure the team was fully prepared and that their house was ready to dominate the crowd.

This morning Sirius sat with me for breakfast, alongside the others, he had his arm around me as we dove into the food. In less than a minute James and him had finished and were pushing the rest of the team out towards the field. I had lessons to attend and thus did not go and cheer them on during their training. Remus and Peter did.

***

All fourth period lesson were cancelled for the Gryffindor vs Ravenclaw match. Sirius entered with James and waved towards the crowd. He flew towards the crowd and blew kisses but not in my direction. I ignored it. It was just Sirius being Sirius. Nothing intentional. The Slytherin crowd was empty with a few groups. Gryffindor was packed. It was a struggle to lift ones arms to cheer. I stood with Peter and Remus and Lily to my surprise. We cheered when Gryffindor made3 their heroic entrances, same for Ravenclaw but louder for Gryffindor. Nobody could top the entrances when James and Sirius were on the teams. Both silently competed to be the first to fly onto the field. James blew kisses in Lily's direction. Sirius was busy flying around the Gryffindor cabin, grabbing other girls hands. The last hand he grabbed was Remus'.

It was the eyes. The secret of love was in the eyes. The way one person looked at one another, the way the eyes communicated and spoke even when the lips never moved.

I brushed it away but some part of me could not let it go. Every time he blocked a score, he cheered and looked towards our cabin. I watched his eyes roam around the cabin and halt towards one person and smile. That smile was love. True love.

Just not for me.

Perhaps it was not love. But it was something.
  Something greater than love. Then again nothing is greater than love. That's what we were all taught growing up. No? Maybe it was, maybe it was not.

Maybe. Almost. Such similar words with the same meaning.

The saddest word in the whole world is the word almost. He was almost in love.

We almost had something. I almost had him. But then again he almost never was mine. He never was. Almost. Maybe we were just two souls. That stared into each other's eyes for too long. Ones who called themselves best friends, which mean even more, when secretly we both knew it was way more. Two souls that felt completely content in each other's company. Two people that talked for endless hours. One who never got bored of listening. ones who would show up no matter the time or place. Ones who lit each other up, on fire, in the best possible way. It was forehead kisses and holding hands. Ones who read each other's souls like a book.

Maybe it was not love. But it was something. Something that meant a great deal to me but other the time, it diffused. Becoming a mere memory. All the things we used to do. For you had found a new person. Something that was not me. Someone to complete your almost and your maybe. Just not me.

***
  I sat in the tower, my legs hung on the window as I sat trying to get through the last remaining chapter but I could not. I shut my book and closed my eyes. I felt the cold air brush past me. Shivers went up my spine as the cold breeze brushed past my skin. I saw the stars flicker alongside the moon. How it glowed in the dark candescent light.

I thought about how different my life could have been if I had just forced myself to follow my parent's expectations. I would be in Slytherin. With regulus. I knew him before. If I had stuck to the tradition I would have somebody on whom I could rely. Somebody who actually loved me for me. Genuinely loved me.