𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎

13

THE STARS SHINE beneath me, littering the dark sky and the clouds join them. The crisp air sends chills through my body as I lie in the wooden bench, only the thin material of my summer appropriate clothes protecting me from the chilly weather.

I stare up the beautiful sky feeling completely and utterly numb. It's past my curfew and way past midnight. It's today.

The comforting sound of the wind swaying the trees is the only thing I can hear. A drop of water splatters on the tip of my nose and I let my tears free silently in sink with the drops as they blend together. They spill from my eyes where they were trapped in and on cheeks guiding their journey to my neck. I don't try to stop them or even wipe them away. I let them fall like the rain.

The rain becomes heavier and heavier till it's become a full on thunderstorm. Every so often, the sky lights up with bold lighting strikes. The water has soaked me and washed the salty flavour off my cheeks, even though I never stopped crying. The tears keep running and the rain keeps pouring and I lay there, unamused.

I raise a hand up and place it where my heart is. I close my eyes as I feel the heartbeat. Tick, tick, tick. It shouldn't tick. It should stop and put an end on my pathetic excuse of a life. It should have stopped four years ago. It should have been me.

I let out a muffled sob and let sleep take me with that thought swinging on my mind.

###

My eyelids flutter open slowly, my head is pounding from the grieving tears I shed last night. I sit up and take a shaky breath letting more tears dance across my cheeks.

I make my way to my house, unlock the front door and drag my feet up the stairs. When I reach my bedroom, I close the door behind me and drop to the hard floor.

I let sleep consume me as I lay on the floor, I don't deserve a bed. I don't deserve anything. Especially today. I just want today to end.

I either sleep through the whole day or wake up for a few hours to cry. I sleep and sleep and sleep and cry and cry and cry. I don't bother changing clothes, or getting up from the floor or even eat. Today, I don't do anything. I simply exist—something I shouldn't have the luxury doing.

###

I stare at my clock app, watching the seconds go by.

23:59:52
23:59:53
23:59:54
23:59:55
23:59:56
23:59:57
23:59:58
23:59:59
00:00:00

It's over. I immediately get up from the floor, wipe my tear stained cheeks and head to the bathroom. I gaze at my reflection, narrowing my eyes.

I don't recognize the girl gazing back at me. She isn't me. That girl isn't me. Her cheeks are puffy from holding all those tears. Her lips are as dry as sand, her skin as pale as snow, her eyes as red as blood. Her hair are tangled. She's ugly.

I lift up my front hair stands as much as I can revealing the scar from that day. It isn't visible to the rest of the world but it's here with me everyday to remind me. I trace a finger across it and wince at the memories.

I shake my head, shaking my horrible thought along with it. I drop my clothes to the floor, step into the shower and turn on the water to full pressure and heat. I scrub my skin clean with my vanilla shampoo. I squeeze some hair shampoo on my palm and apply it on my head. I rinse and repeat the actions.