The Secrets We Keep ( trixya )

Not Again

Katya POV

It was a beautiful night in LA. Usually I would have loved performing at a gig on a night like this but I was just feeling out of it tonight.

Trixie held me same as she did always before we went on stage. She stared into my eyes in a way that made my heart flutter. I knew that we had confessed our feelings, but it was almost as if it had never happened the way we were acting. I probably wasn't good enough for her. No, I knew I wasn't good enough. She deserved so much more than me.

" you okay? What's on your mind?" Trixie asked. I snapped out of it breaking my longing gaze into her eyes.

" just thinking, that's all. Nothing important" I lied. I was thinking. That was true but it was important. But it wasn't anything I wanted to worry her with. My mind was a dark place and the only ray of light and hope was Trixie. I smiled at her. She had no idea that every day she was saving me from death. From relapse. From all the habits I wanted to fall back into. When I looked in her eyes I wanted to kiss her. But it was unclear where we stood. Very unclear. I didn't know if I could kiss her and hug her without it being weird. I was confused and it was eating away at me.

The gig ended and I was exhausted. Mentally. I felt myself slowly fading back into a deep dark hole that I never thought I would fall back into.

In the car ride back I decided to ask her. " just clarify, we're just friends right?" I was still unsure.

" what? Oh um yeah I don't know. I guess we can be more than friends but less than lovers. Right in between. It's not that I don't love you it's just im not ready." Trixie clarified. I smiled a little before I felt it fade.

" I love you trix but you deserve more than me. Go find someone else, don't tie yourself down to me. You deserve more than a lousy recovering addict who has treated you like shit. Your too good for me." I state. Nothing but the truth. I notice her knuckles get white as she grips the steering wheel tighter.

" Katya stop talking like that I don't like it. You know that makes no sense. If people ask what we are just say we're figuring it out. You are perfect for me kat, I don't want to find someone better. There is no one better." Trixie taking her eyes off the road to look at me.

" wow that was......... sooooo cringy" I bursted out laughing. But in my head I felt like it would all be better if I wasn't alive.

" shut up! Im being sincere!" She laughed.

She dropped me off at my apartment.

" just call me if you need anything." I nodded and went inside. I felt like shit.

TRIXIE POV

I had just snuggled into bed when my cell phone buzzed. It was Katya. We really had to stop doing this. The whole calling each other in the middle of the night was getting insane.

" Katya you okay?" I asked my voice tired.

" no" she said as if she were in pain. As if she were dying. I felt wide awake now.

" what's going on?" I snapped sitting up in bed.

" I- I did something bad and your going to be mad but I need you to come get me." She stammered. She sounded awful

" okay im on my way right now" I said. I drove as fast as I could

I had so many question that I didn't want to ask. I really hoped that this was just a cold and not something serious.

I pulled the key to her apartment out of my pocket and quickly opened the door.

"Katya?!" I called.