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today was awful.
i was getting ready cuz i thought that me, mom and grandma are going to the beach. and then last second grandma tells me that shes not going cuz she busy. she was not.
i don't wanna go alone with mom cuz first of she wont wanna go to the water, second someone needs to stay and look after our stuff, i would be alone in the water doing literally nothing.
also found out that tomorrow we were suposed to go to another beach too. but i cant go twice to a beach bc i will burn and i already been at the beach and i just don't wanna go anymore.
i threw a small 'tantrum' i just said i didn't wanna go anymore but i went after grandma said that shell go too.
mom yelled at me a bit which made me tear up and i was like in the front seat trying not to sob or som cuz i didnt want them to know that i was tearing up. luckily natma was messaging with me so that cheered me up.
the forest was pretty around the beach. the beach not.
it was tiny af, lots of ppl, sand hotter than lava, no rocks, water uncofertably warm, water stank like death, water slimy, sand in the water was slimy, it was shallow af. ew.
i only went in once up to my knees. had to walk like a kilometer to actually get the water that deep.
went back and sat alone under an umbrella and watched tiktoks for an hour. grandma and mom went into the water and came back. grandma agreed that this beach was shit. mom didnt care and just got angry at me again.
at least i found a cool rock on the road for natma.
didnt eat much today. when I'm sad i don't eat.
only ate donut before i got sad at like 7 30 and some chicken soup at 18.
am writing more of chapter 7 rn.
oh yeah and mom got me ice cream like it would magically make me feel better.
it didnt.
played plague inc.
i hate vacations with people. if something bothers me i make it very clear that it does and that makes people around me angry at me. if they didnt plan this entire vacation on their own and let me be when i didnt wanna go anywhere then there would be no problem but no. i have my own tempo and order of things and if someone break that order I'm gonna get snappy. i plan my entire week on my own for only me. i don't include other ppl cuz i don't wanna force them. if they follow me bc they want to then that's fine but if they suddenly force me to go to the beach when its 36 outside and I've been to the beach yesterday then I'm not gonna go and they cant force me to go. period. but it seems like no one understands that. also just bc u never see me do things doesn't mean i don't do them. 'you never go outside when we are somewhere' 'you only lay on the bed with your phone' no i don't. when you are out I'm doing my own things. while yes i don't really go out much but that's bc you always get the most over populated places to stay at and that its somewhere in the middle of the town.
i wanna go into some forest where ppl arent hiding around every corner or were children arent screaming everywhere. if we were in such place i wouldn't sit in the room 24/7 but we aren't. so ofc I'm not gonna go out much since I HATE PEOPLE. I'm barely able to open the door for the post dude or go out with my dog because I'm scared of social interaction. even just simply looking at me makes me stress out.
I've never been inside a store alone for all my live. how do you think i would react to any one saying something to me if i was walking around outside.
BADLY. i would make such a fool of myself. sure maybe i wont get some panic attack right there but when i get back home I'm gonna break down crying on the floor and regretting my every choice i ever made.
i hate this so much but i cant do anything about it on my own. my mom wont get me a therapist cuz 'my daughter is just quircky and shes completely fine'. none of my friends take me out anywhere ever so i don't have any support when i socialize.
i cant do this on my own. i tried i really did but its not enough. i need someone to either slowly ease me into socializing or a therapist that helps me get more confident in myself. BUT I DONT HAVE THAT AT ALL.
wow.
that's a big vent.
lmao/
i hate life
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