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Im writing it now so i dont forget
Again
She got angry at me again
I think
She said something with shut up again. Literally the worst thing to say to me bc that actually hits me.
Gaslighting me into believing i did something or just not believing that what i said was true
Morning she said i only like doors (Roblox game) bc of the fanart. Like no?? I only saw like two fanarts ever and she was like yeaahhhh. At first i thought she believed me but after saying yeahhh multiple times i finally realized that was sarcasm.
Im bad at detecting sarcasm like really bad
And even after insisting that i like it she didn't stop and i got frustrated and poked her in the side.
Like i said last time. I react very quickly with violence towards any thing that sets me off.
Acted mad all day. Atleast it seems like it. I didnt talk much since her mood rubbed off on me.
When we were going back to bus. She pushed me and i flung myself against her. Pushing her back.
Then she started pulling my bag and i said stop and poked her side again. I guess that pissed her even more off and she started swearing at me and telling me to shut up and stuff.
And then she said she was only joking. I was confused so i went along and just mimicked her.
We saw bus, ran towards it. I sat in a random row. First thing she says is why do you pick the dumbest spots.
What does it matter? All are the same expect a few which were already taken anyway.
I started talking and was like: i never knew the bus came at 16, well atleast now i know. And she started mocking me and telling me to stop complaining.
Bitch how tf is that complaining. Then she said that i always complain and thats how i sound to her.
How tf is that my fault first of all and second i dont complain about everything.
Only things you hear me complaining about is school, gym and how the sun is too bright. And i guess some people sometimes.
Its literally the same things she complains about so i dont see the problem.
I hope the bus isnt full today isnt a complain. Its just me hoping the bus isnt full
Why do we get so much homework isnt a complain. Its a question
Like things i say arent that deep. It means literally what i say.
I hate dutch means i hate dutch. Not that i dont wanna go to dutch class. Im not complaining about that at all.
I say a lot of things i think out loud. Just because you hear it doesn't mean i ment it towards you.
I got upset and just listened to music whole way back.
Today i realized that when im stressed or upset, thats when my motivation and energy goes away and i dont wanna do anything at all.
When she wanted to show me something right after she upset me i just said i didnt want to anymore.
Now im not surprised that i dont have any motivation.
The amount of times she made me upset or frustrated. Jesus its a lot
Since i can get angry over anything very quickly. Even the smallest things can piss me off
Especially when i say something and people twist its meaning and try and make me believe thats what i meant.
Bitch i think i know what i ment with that.
God i just wish she would stop pushing my boundaries. We know eachother for so long you would think she would notice which things make me angry or upset BUT NO
All i am to her is boring and annoying. Shes not interested in anything that she finds not interesting.
Oh im talking about a game i like? If she doesn't like it too she wont even fucking glance at me and just do shit on her phone.
It makes me so mad. Fucking selfish.
Why tf do i have to listen to what she likes if she cant do the same to me. She doesn't even try to get to know the things i like at all. But if i dont know a game she likes then i have to download it and play it.
I have to find out stuff about it so she can talk to me about it. And when i dont like it at all she gets offended and tells me im boring.
Its so fucking one sided
All i want is that my boundaries arent pushed everyday and that she actually tries to know the things i like too instead of making me like the stuff she likes.
Anyway
I was in the restaurant part of school today. Didnt do shit lolol.
Went out of school quicker but we had mixed art class after two hours.
I went to albert hein with natma and bought lots of candy
She wanted me to watch kung fu panda.
I have nothing against it but i wasnt really interested. Mid movie i finally gathered the courage to tell her i dont really find it interesting and went to do other stuff.
Then we had first class of mixed art ever. I liked it. Natma didnt but it seems she doesn't like shit.
First i thought she did because i miss heard her but she gave me a look and said she didn't.
Oh yeaah! Yesterday i watched treasure island. The one russian cartoon made in 1989. I was watching with one eye open. Was so sleepy.
I liked it a lot. Was interesting. Dr livesey was my second fav. First fav was Jimmy.
Also played evade with natma even tho i was tired and about to fall asleep.
Now im just sitting at home.
Im thinking that i should ask natma about that stage. Honestly all she needs to do is ask them if i can do stage there and give me their email so we can talk.
I wanna do it now than later since i have only like 20 days.
Next week i think i need to give my contact all filled in to school too.
So no i technically dont even have 20 days.
But seems like i cant really count on her. Doesn't even mention anything to me about stage.
Even tho she complained that we should do the same and that if my mom finds me another blah blah blah.
Sorry that mom helps me ig??
Ill play doors for a bit
Hopefully finally write my fanfic. I keep forgetting :(
Do my homework
Eat a lot of candyyy
Just looked back at all the vents i ever wrote. Bruh. I think i may have some disorder bc i literally cant tell what emotions people have unless its like absolutely shown on their face. I don't understand social norms, i dont get sarcasm, i cant tell when things i say affect someone (thats why i try not to say anything that can sound harsh)
I cant tell what i did wrong when people get pissed at me. Unless its something i know is bad. Its like im absolutely clueless about emotions. Honestly not surprised. Years of 'isolation' and no social contact with people does that.
I dont wanna say i have something but i think its getting clear that i am not exactly healthy in the mental part.
I already suspect i may have social anxiety or just anxiety. Since i seem to have a lot of the symptoms and honestly its fucking shitty. Thats why I'm thinking bout those social classes from school. Tho im fucking stressing over them too.
Maybe its another smaller symptom of anger issues idk. I dont even remember anymore. Its been so long lmao
Im just gonna say im bad at social. Easy peasy lol
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