Unfair

33

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It had been three days, and you were still in Nanami's house. The only time you decided to go home was when you went to pick up more clothes to stay over, and that was two days ago. You were cuddling with Nanami in bed, right before midnight. You played with his fingers as he talked about his family.

"So how many siblings do you have?" You asked.

"I have an older sister, she gave birth before christmas, remember?"

"Yes! I do! Congratulations to her!" You smiled as you wrapped your fingers around his.

"What about you?"

"I'm an only child."

"I thought you would be, to be honest."

"What?" You sat yourself up on your elbow to turn and look at him with a surprised look. "What's that meant to mean? I'm selfish?"

"No." He chuckled as he looked at you, shaking his head. "I'm only joking."

"Are you close to your sister?" You resumed the conversation as you rested your head back on his chest. "Yeah, I'd say that I am, she's taught me a lot as I was growing up." You smiled at his answer. He's such a sweet man.

Nanami told you so much about his family, almost a little too much to overcompensate for the fact that you felt uncomfortable talking about yours. He was a good man to you. There was never a day that passed where you were not told you were beautiful. There was rarely a day (so far) where you bickered over anything. You could tell that he wanted to treat you well. You loved it. So did your friends. They saw how you glowed, how, in such a short time, this man made you feel somewhat fulfilled. Sai was shocked when she found out you were staying at his house for another day. "What? Are you planning on getting married?" Is what she said when you told her, resulting in a laugh from you. She was surprised that you wanted to spend so much time with him, to her, it only reaffirmed how she thought you guys liked each other so much.

You didn't need to chase him for anything, nor did you have to act out to grab his attention. His attention was always on you. He recognised you without you having to take yourself out of your comfort zone. He saw you before anyone else did.  What ever you asked him for, you got. He communicated with you openly and wasn't afraid to speak his mind in a calm manner.

He was almost too good for you, a part of you hated it. There was an annoying thought in the back of your head, telling you that you were doing too much. Whenever you thought about all the good things that Nanami was and is, your mind wouldn't hesitate to tell you that you were over-romanticising the man in front of you. Do you really know him? No. Were you getting to know him, though? Yes. Despite you trying so hard to fight those self-sabotaging thoughts, you couldn't help but think that you were possibly thinking of a man that wasn't real. What if you guys get into a serious relationship and he's not right for you? What if he becomes a bad person once you're in a relationship? Why do you keep thinking of bad things every time something good happens to you?

You don't know.

You were so lost in your mind once again as you stared into his eyes, so much so that you didn't even know what he was speaking about once again. "Do you get me?" He asked, a phrase to affirm you were listening to whatever he was talking about.

"Yeah..."

You didnt deserve him and you know that. He was too good to be true. He was too good for you, and you knew that. He came from a picture perfect family, a picture perfect background, and you didn't. He's not had much bad ex's and you've had way too many. He listens to everything you say, and sometimes you get too lost in thought that you barely care enough to listen to some of the things he says sometimes. He is always open with you, and you're not. You can't help but worry when it feels like him the negative sides of yourself outweigh the positive sides of him. Often times, you felt like you can't balance each other out and even though Nanami hasn't noticed that yet, you have.

"[Name]..." The topic of your mind sat up on the bed, and you mirrored him, sitting up on the bed and crossing your legs as you faced him. "Yes?" You responded.

"What do you want out of this?" You pursed your lips as you heard this question. To be honest, you knew it was bound to come up. No hookup, or situationship, or random friends with benefits, just stays at the person-they've-been-fucking's house for two/three days, and you know that.

"Uhh.." You couldn't give a direct answer out of his question, as you avoided his eye contact, he stayed silent and looked at you. "I want... I want something like a relationship..." he nodded his head at you. "But, I don't know if I want it now."

"Okay." He nodded his head again.

"But If I do want one, it would be with you." He sighed, looking away from you before looking at you.

"[Name], I like you a lot..." You nodded your head at him, waiting for him to continue. "A lot more than you think." You tried your hardest to hide your smile in the midst of this serious conversation but you couldn't, which only made him smile a bit. "But.." he chuckled. "I can't have you doing things like this, and expect me to just be okay with it."

"Doing things like what?" You asked.

"This." He pointed at the clothes you were wearing, which was just a really big tshirt that he owned. "Staying over at my place, doing coupley things...I rarely let people stay over at my apartment, [Name]."

"So what do you want?"

"I want a relationship with you." You widened your eyes slightly at his answer, fiddling with your fingers. It was silent for a moment, you couldn't think of an answer to give him. "I understand commitment is hard for you but I'm a grown man, I haven't been trying to go out with you for the past few months for us to just call ourselves a situationship or whatever that is."

You nodded your head at him, yet, with no answer.

"Look. I've been thinking about this for a while since you started staying, I understand if you feel like you can't give me an answer now, but I don't think this can continue." 

"What? Are you cutting me off?" You asked, furrowing your brows.

"No. [Name], I like you way too much for us to do this kind of thing casually." You nodded your name, waiting for him to continue. "I don't want to feel like I'm being led on."

"You're not being led on, though." You sighed, but you knew it was (kind of) the truth. "So then what is this? What are we?" he asked. You didn't want to answer those questions just yet.

"Kento. I like you. I like you just as much." You straightened your posture as you spoke to him. "But I don't know if I can call this official just yet." 

"Why not?" He asked, eyes boring into you as he waited for a more direct answer. A few moments of silence passed before you could answer.

"I don't know if I'm actually ready for another relationship, Kento..."

"Why?"

"I don't know...Kento, I really don't know.." You couldn't be direct. In all honesty, you didn't want to be. You didn't want to talk about every single thought that came into your head in this moment, because if you did, you'd come across horribly self-deprecating. You didn't want to show him that side of you. That side of you that thinks you don't deserve a good man like Nanami, that side that keeps telling you that he's too good to be true, that will give you a doubt for every positive thought you have. You don't want to tell him that you have a fear of intimacy, a fear of staying with someone for too long, of being too open with someone for too long. 

You got up from the bed. "I should probably go." Nanami didn't object just yet, instead getting up with you. "Wait, why?" You avoided his gaze as you grabbed your toothbrush from his bathroom and a couple of panties that you left to hang dry in there too, shoving them in your handbag. "It's getting too serious for me... I'm sorry." you threw off his big shirt and left it on his bed, revealing your half naked body to him as he stood from his bedroom door, watching you put your clothes on, "[Name]..." He called your name to you. "You don't have to go." Once you were fully dressed up, with your shoes on too, you walked past him. He tried to grab your hand but you moved it before he could even grab and take a hold of it. "No, I think I should, Nanami. " He watched as you rushed out of his apartment and shut the door on him when he tried to stop you from leaving again.

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