the road home // josh kiszka

diary

chapter song: diary- bread

//

february 2017

-JOSH'S POV-

"So, uh, when do you leave then?" she asked

I could see her internal conflict reflecting on the outside--it was the same one that I was having. Why did a moment that I waited for for so long feel like such a heavy burden right now? The timing could have been so much better. In that moment, I wasn't sure that if I had wished that I hadn't decided to help Jake with his dream, or if I wished I hadn't met her. I looked at her, her eyes clouded like a stormy sky. I let the thought leave my head--how could I even wish I hadn't met this woman? She was an angel.

"I think the 17th." I said, quietly.

"Oh," she said "I'm happy for you, Josh. I am. I just don't know if this will work."

My heart felt like it snapped in two, like a twig being stepped on.

"I think we can." I said.

Her head lifted from its focus on the ground and met my eyes.

"You do?" she questioned.

"Yes," I said, grabbing her hands "Y/N, I haven't thought about anyone else since I first met you. I don't plan on it. I have been waiting to meet you for what seems like all of my lifetimes. I can't give up on this, not before it has even been brought to fruition. I don't care what kind of emotional hardship this will bring, as long as I get to experience it with you, I'll be happy for the rest of my lifetimes."

She was silent, pondering. I realized I had spewed a bunch of very heavy shit at her, but I needed her to know that I hadn't taken this lightly. I needed her to know that I needed her in my life, no matter what the cost.

"Okay."

"Okay?" I asked, a smile lighting up my face.

"Yes. I want this to work, or at least have us try to make it work."

***

The week or so leading up to our trip to the west coast were filled with romantic endeavors. We were leaving after Valentine's Day, and I wanted to make this Valentine's Day memorable for her, so I pulled out all the stops, including asking Jake for advice.

"I need your help, man." I said over the phone.

"With what?"

I explained the conversation with Y/N and how we had finally decided to take a chance on us. I told him about how fragile the situation was and how I wanted to do something to solidify how serious I was about wanting to be with her, and how I would make that work when we were gone.

"You have to do something really special for her." He said.

"I know, that's why I came to you, you're the master of romance."

"I wouldn't say that," He chuckled "but I think I may have an idea."

-YOUR POV-

I hadn't really been able to process the good news Josh had given me and I was starting to feel terrible about it. I rolled on my side in my bed, and assumed fetal position. I felt so proud of him, but I knew that that was not what I had been projecting outward. I didn't want to feel disappointed, but I couldn't help it. I had only started entertaining the idea of Josh and I together when it already seemed like it wasn't going to pan out. I wanted to be optimistic, I really did, but what would happen to us? He was going to be famous, I just felt it in my bones. Once he was, there was no way he would settle for me. He would be able to have anyone he wanted. There was no way that this was going to last. It was doomed from the start. I groaned as I pulled my pillow over my eyes and rolled over again.

"Y/N, are you still in bed?" Reina asked, tapping on the door.

I groaned.

"I'll take that as a yes. Come on, let's go out. You can't stay in bed all day."

"Yes I can, its the weekend." I pouted.

"Well then I'm not letting you. I want to go to the farmer's market."

"Then you go, I don't wanna." I said, unwavering.

"I'm coming in." She said, opening the door.

"What are you doing? Get out." I shouted.

"Nope, I'm not going to let you feel sorry for yourself." She said, tugging my legs off the bed.

I screamed, slipping off the bed and pulling my sheets, looking for any kind of anchor.

"I'm not going to let you self-sabotage. You can make this work, and you deserve to have a relationship like this. I know Evan really fucked you up, but you can't close off your heart. You saw how hurt you felt when you saw him with someone else, just imagine if he was out of your life completely. You can't let him slip out of your fingers, he's one of the good ones."

She was right, of course. I knew she was right, but something in my brain kept telling me otherwise.

After a little while, she coerced me out of my bed and into the bathroom to get ready. I stared at myself in the mirror. I noticed my eye bags had become darker against my now paler skin, flushed with the dark tones of sleepless nights. My hair strung sideways from static and my face felt so puffy. I had no clue what Josh had seen in me. I felt like a mess. I felt unlovable. For most of my life, I had felt invisible. It wasn't that I needed validation from anyone, but it was nice to be acknowledged for once, adored. I was sure that if I had voiced these concerns to Josh, we could find a solutions to these worries, but this was more complicated than that. What if he thought I was too much work, work that he didn't need on top of handling the record deal? What if he thought that this would work just because he was here in the moment with me? I just had a feeling growing in the back of my brain that he would find someone so much more than he could have imagined just as soon as he left Michigan? I was fine being his friend. He would look back so much more fondly on our time together. There would be no bad blood, no risk. I didn't want to push Josh out of my life all together. I would rather us keep things the way they were now. It was hard to push out of my head when all I wanted to do was kiss him. To feel his lips curl into a smile, pressed into mine. I dreamt of feeling the weight of his head on my lap, his curly hair framing his chiseled face. I dreamt of him in ways I hadn't thought too much about before. This was just a silly crush that would be gone the second that he was.

This is just a silly crush on someone who was nice to me, that accepted me at my lowest.

This was just a silly crush.

Wasn't it?