the road home // josh kiszka

i've gotta get a message to you

chapter song: i've gotta get a message to you-bee gees

A/N: thank you all for 1k reads on this story! x 

//

december 2018

-JOSH'S POV-

Life had felt like a whirlwind lately between the copious amount of interviews, photoshoots, and prepping for our first major tour. Although I was grateful for the positive response to our music, I was overwhelmed. It was a big transition from playing in dive bars on the weekend, and it was exhausting to be honest. We had been living at home, but I couldn't remember the last time we had sat down for a family dinner or movie night. I needed at least a moment to breathe. I was grateful that the label had allowed us to have this holiday to ourselves to enjoy our time before we were touring for a large portion of the next year. It was the first day of our two-week break and my brain had turned to absolute mush. There were no coherent thoughts in there. None except the thought of Y/N. She had been in the back of my mind ever since we parted ways, but now that there was time away from work, I really did miss her. 

I had no right to be thinking about her, not after the way I treated her and the way she had looked so hurt when she knew I was leaving and not coming back. She had been there for me through the ups and downs that the path of music had to offer me. Hell, she had made my dreams happen. 

"Deep in thought?" Jake asks, walking into the living room with his cup of coffee. 

"Not exactly." I chuckle.

"You're thinking about her again aren't you?" 

"She's probably home for the holidays." 

"Josh, no, you can't do that to her." 

"I know I can't, but I just miss her, man." 

"I know you do, which is why I told you that you shouldn't have been so hasty to push her away."

"I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to keep hurting her."

"If you had just talked to her, man. Been honest..."

"Jake, it would've been too hard on her during tour. The distance would have been too much."

"Did you hear that from her or are you putting words in her mouth as justification for what you did?" He asked, plainly.

I felt rage exploding inside me, but I knew he was right. I hadn't talked to her about anything that had been on my mind. I hadn't let her make a decision. I made it for her, and then I just disappeared out of her life, thinking that that was what she wanted. 

"You're right."

"I know." 

"So what do I do?" I asked him, clueless.

Jake had always been better at reading people than I was, better at communicating. I had always been the one to run when things got too hard, and I hated admitting that. I wanted something that lasted. I wanted to be with someone who understood me, someone who wouldn't mind that I was constantly overthinking things, someone who reassured me that my worries were just that. I wanted someone to take adventures with. When tour life got to be too much pressure, I wanted someone that I could come home to and sit in comfortable silence with. I needed peace incarnate. While I wasn't sure that Y/N and I would find that in each other, she was the first person who got me thinking about what I truly wanted out of life. 

"Are you serious about her this time?"

I nodded. 

"Give me your phone." He said.

I handed it to him and waited patiently as I watched him type away. When he handed me back my phone, I skimmed the unsent message that he had typed out. 

'Y/N, I know that the way we left things off was horrible. I was wondering if there was a chance you would hear me out. I just want to apologize, and I want to do it in the way you need me to.'

"Jake, I don't know about this." I said, a knot forming in my stomach. 

"Ultimately, it's her decision as to whether she wants to hear you out or not." 

"I know, but I can't just waltz back into her life right now." 

To say I was apprehensive to reach out would have been an understatement. I wanted nothing more than to see her again, but it didn't feel right. Not after this long. It was ultimately her decision, but I didn't want to hear that she hated me. I would rather tell myself that there was a part of her that still cared about me, that cared about us. 

"You decide what you want to do, but its written out. All you have to do is send it." Jake said, getting up to leave. 

I sighed and sat on the message for a few more minutes before hitting send. 

**

It had been a week since I had sent that text to Y/N, and there had been no response. I wasn't sure why I had expected anything different than that. She was kind, I thought, and no matter how upset she was, she would've responded. That was naïve of me. Being hurt changed a person, made them put their defenses up. If I had been in her position, I would've done the same thing. It was almost the new year and I was feeling particularly lonely. I always did each year. While this year had been good to us, and led us back down the path that we were destined for, I felt isolated. I was walking through the town, watching people on the streets shopping and drinking with smiles plastered on their faces. It was almost the time where we could pretend that we were starting our lives over again. We could be a brand new version of our former selves if we wanted to. This time of year had a glimmer of romance behind it, and it seemed like I was the only one without that vital thing in my life. Even Jake, Sam and Danny had been preoccupied with their girlfriends during our break. We were leaving so soon after our break for a long tour, so it made sense that they would want to optimize their time with them. I just couldn't help but feel left out. I wondered if I did have someone, would I truly feel fulfilled? Would I be happy knowing that when our music career ended, I would have someone to grow old with? 

It was a particularly cold winter in Michigan, and the bitterness that my heart was holding made me even colder. I ducked into Harvest Coffee House to warm up, and was instantly saddened by the thought of how when Y/N had come to help me take care of my grandmother, we had frequented this coffee shop. She was fond of the coziness, and it felt almost wrong coming here without her. I hated that I missed her so much, and that I had been the one to push her away, when all I wanted was for her to be around all the time. My phone buzzed. Probably a text from Sam or Jake, missing dinner tonight and asking me to tell mom. 

I pulled my phone from my pocket. It was a text from Y/N. 

'y/n 🌺: 

new years eve party, 8 pm. don't be late.

-pinned location- ' 

For the first time in months, I felt myself smile.