the road home // josh kiszka

changes

chapter song: changes- black sabbath

//

october 2018

*YOUR POV*

It had been a full year without Josh. No phone calls, no texts. Nothing. I couldn't say that I was successful in getting my mind off of him. I was following their interviews, listening to singles, and although it was casual, it left me thinking of very little but Josh. Their first studio album was supposed to release this month and I was feeling a melting pot of emotions. Part of me wanted to send a text saying that I was proud of him and that I would be cheering him on from the sidelines, but he made it very clear that he didn't care. Every time my thoughts circled back to him, my heart would fracture again and I was running out of bandages to put on it.

I wrapped myself up in my warmest cardigan and decided to go for a walk. I couldn't be around when Reina came home. She had started dating again and my gloom wasn't welcome in the apartment whenever her partner was over---and they were always over. I sighed. I wish I had made more friends than just Reina and Josh, but now I was in my second to last year of college and making friends felt pointless. I needed to be around someone, but I needed them to simply coexist with me in silence. That's not exactly poster behavior to attract friends. The loneliness had long burned a hole in my chest, and nothing seemed to fill it anymore, so I filled it with the only thing I knew--work. If I was constantly busy, my thoughts wouldn't regress back to all the miscommunications and emotions tied to any interaction I had with Josh.

What hurt the most was the fact I had thought he was different. I thought he was different than Evan, I thought he was special. He just found a more creative way to say the exact same words Evan had said to me. I wanted to be able to hate him, I was aching for that stage of my grieving, but right now I just wanted to be emerged in his presence again. I wanted his sunlight to shine on my face, to warm me, and remind me that things were going to be okay because he would always be around. Instead, the cold October air scratched at my skin, wanting to break skin. I wanted to offer it up, shedding my old skin and adopting a new one was what I needed right now. I needed to be someone completely different. Someone nobody recognized. I had walked to the nearest café to get a coffee when the thought dawned on me. I could change my identity. I could change the way I look, and adopt a new personality. I had no friends to point out that I had changed, so there was no harm, no foul.

I returned back to my apartment and made a beeline for the bathroom to avoid Reina and her partner, Stephanie's judgement. I examined myself in the mirror. My face was pale. The tears I had spent for the millionth night in a row had made my face puffy and sunken. I hated the way I looked. It was time for a change anyway. I opened the drawer, pulled out the scissors, and started snipping away.

**

I laid the scissors down on the counter and took deep breath. It didn't look bad but it was definitely different. My wavy hair always remained in a loose bun atop my head, or laid flat. It never had anything special about it. I had attempted to give myself bangs and make my hair edgier to match the personality I was hoping to take on. I left the bathroom and got an instant gasp from Reina, who had been sitting on the couch.

"Y/N! What did you do?" She asked, panicking.

"Made a change." I said, nonchalantly.

"Sweetie, that is a big one."

"I know. I'm fine with it. I like it."

"I like it too, it looks good." She said, approvingly.

"Thanks. Where's Steph?" I asked

"Working a night shift tonight."

"Gotcha." I said.

Reina tended to be much nicer when she was all alone, but I barely knew how to talk to her anymore.

"Did you want to do something together?" She asked, quietly.

"Um, did you have something in mind?"

"Not really, we could go out or stay in. Whichever you prefer."

"Let's go out." I said.

"Really?" She asked, her eyes widening.

"Yeah, why not. I've got this new hair, might as well." I shrugged.

*JOSH'S POV*

"You guys are dropping your debut album this month, is that correct?" The interviewer asked.

We all nodded, "On the 19th." Jake added

"Wow, that's soon! What can you tell us about this album?"

"We don't want to give too much away, but each song on the album is a story. Stories grounded in unity, peace, and love." I said.

"A storybook of an album? I love that concept. What were your major inspirations for this album?"

"People in our lives, loved ones, mainly. Experiences that we've had." Jake said.

"Loved ones?" She raised her eyebrow.

We all knew the answer she was looking for. We had discussed this multiple times. Our relationships were private.

"Yeah, our families, friends." Sam said, quickly.

"I guess the question is then, do you boys have a special someone in your lives? Josh?" She asked.

Why me? Oh right, I was the front man.

I let my mind drift to Y/N for a moment. I had thought about her everyday, but I had been so successful at pushing it aside amidst all the other hectic shit happening. I thought about how hurt she had looked when I left that day. There was probably no redeeming that relationship. She had probably moved on by now.

"Aren't all these guys special?" I asked, grinning, and very obviously avoiding the question.

"Romantically." She specified, laughing.

"No." I said, flatly.

I could feel Sam, Jake, and Danny's eyes on me. Worrying. The interviewer was silent for a moment. Picking up on the tension in the air, she moved on.

**

*YOUR POV*

After dragging a drunk Reina for what felt like 10 miles, we were finally back at our apartment. I laid her to bed and left some water on her nightstand. After I made sure she had everything she may need, and that she didn't vomit on herself, I went to my room. The thought of having to take my makeup off exhausted me, so I decided to open up YouTube instead. On my home screen, I saw Josh's angelic face in a thumbnail in an interview for a some rock station in California. My finger hovered over the thumbnail as the angel and demon sitting on my shoulders argued as to whether I should watch it or not.

I had just cut my hair and spent the night out to try and forget Josh. He wasn't coming back.

Well, how could I really know that the process was working unless I was able to watch an interview without crying? I hit the thumbnail before I could let myself mull over the decision any longer. The interview was fairly standard and it made me happy to see all of them looking so happy. They sat politely, in their outfits, that were no doubt from their mom's closet. They hadn't gotten used to so much attention, and that was evident. Their debut album hadn't even come out yet, but they had had a handful of interviews just regarding their singles. It was as if everyone knew that they were going to start a rock revolution. I was snapped out of my daze as the interviewer started to ask them about their love lives, specifically Josh. I knew that we weren't anything anymore, but my heart started racing. A pitiful look grew on Jake, Sam and Danny's faces. Josh was silent before simply stating 'no'. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't an answer so cold.

I should be relieved that Josh hadn't become romantically involved with someone after me, but something in the way that he spoke so simply led me to believe that there was no more chances for us. That the one shot had been it, and we wasted it.

I pressed my eyes closed, begging the tears to stay in for tonight. Begging for a night of restful sleep after the nights that I had grown anxious, paranoid, and lonely. I clutched the tarot card that still hung around my neck every day for the last year. My breath hitched in my chest as I unclasped it from my neck, placed it on my nightstand, and shut off the light.