A journal I guess

Don't know what to do.

Currently listening to: Honey I'm Home by Ghost and Pals.

He's constantly here, singing in my ear. I drown it out with music, but just how long can that go on? It won't stop our souls, or whatever the fuck it's called, from merging. Something he said haunts me.

"YOU'RE ME AND I'M YOU."

I'd rather not believe anything. I was in denial for so long, convincing myself I was imagining it all. But having to constantly wrestle him for control, that isn't..imaginary. His growls when he's in my body aren't imaginary. My voice sounding absolutely deranged and deep isn't imaginary.

But we are, we are becoming one. I can feel myself slipping away, my personality. So hard to gather my thoughts into coherent sentences. I'm fading. And there isn't anything I can do to stop it. His screeches get louder every day.

"THERE IS NO ESCAPE."

"YOU CANNOT BE SAVED."

He's not wrong. I could put them off as taunts and threats to make me more submissive. But, he isn't WRONG. I can only sit here and TAKE IT LIKE A FUCKING WHORE.

Sorry. Sometimes things get mixed. Our voices. Nevermind. I can't focus enough to, to explain anything. My entire focus is on staying in control. SHUT UP MY GOD.

I have no appetite for food. No wonder, that thing's a fucking cannibal. It wants bloody human meat, not rice and beef skewers. Ahah. Haha. I'm so out of it. Such a fucking mess. God. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. I WANT TO BITE INTO BLOODY LIVERS.

What do you WANT from me? I escaped His controlling infection, and now I have to deal with you trying to control me? It's always something. Always something that goes wrong. Why? My god, why can't things be peaceful for once? SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING INTESTINES OUT YOU MUTILATED CORPSE. I feel so ANGRY. BLOOD MAKES IT SO MUCH BETTER.

I hate it. Not being in control of my body or my thoughts anymore. I could be starving and still throw up my food because he REJECTS IT. NEVER SATISFIED, ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE MORE BLOOD AND TEARS. NEVER ENOUGH. This overwhelming pressure runs through my body and my soul, like I'm drowning in the sea. IT'S NEVER ENOUGH. When he's here, I can burst into a fit at any time. He's always ready to be angry at something, ready to have any reason to kill. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.

I've been so unhinged. I can snap at anyone and not be able to stop it. I have snapped. There is so much pressure on me on so many sides, I don't know if I can juggle Habit along too. He doesn't care who he hurts. That's Habit, and he's coming for us all. He is all of us. Inside every bad habit you have.

HABIT MADE ME DO IT. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

STOP. Why is it so overwhelming for me, you ask? Yeah yeah, you probably don't think it'd be that hard. But trust me, when a monstrous entity with the most gruff voice is constantly mocking you and your deepest insecurities, you'd bend under the pressure too. He's right. He amplifies what's already there. He uses those demons against you.

Maybe it's better if I stay away from everyone. I'm like a ticking bomb. Dangerous. Unhinged.